resolution for 2020: tell and hear moar Dad Jokes(tm)
Q: why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

A: because they’re so good at it.
a skeleton walks into a bar. he says to the bartender: I’ll take a beer and a mop.
previously... https://twitter.com/histoftech/status/1210223503888265216?s=21
and. https://twitter.com/histoftech/status/1211796118973100032?s=21
feel free to add your own. we’re gunna need them this year
i ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon.

.
.
.

i’ll let you know
what do you call an illegally parked frog?

toad.
this dad joke needs to be told out loud:
two fish swim into a concrete wall. one turns to the other and says:
“Dam.”
where do you find a fish in orbit?

trouterspace
What do you call it when a cow is doing surveillance on another cow?
🐄

A steak out.
What did one nut say when chasing another nut? 🥜

Imma cashew🏃🏽
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage🥖

At first I was confused🤔
but then the zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable💁‍♂️
You ever notice how you don’t see many DeLoreans on the road?

It’s because their owners only drive them from time to time.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the rabbit: "What can I get you?"

The rabbit replies "I have no idea. I'm just here because of autocorrect."
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you even see it.

(plz send more dad jokes)
whoever stole my copy of microsoft office, I will find you.

you have my Word.

#dadjokes
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to ikea
Normally, I knock on the fridge door before I open it.

Just in case there's a salad dressing.
How do you mend a broken Jack o' Lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.
My friend accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

Their next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
Did you hear about these new corduroy pillowcases?

They're making headlines everywhere
My wife buys all my clothes.

And because she’s my wife I give her a really good discount.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews first... only 1 star.
A patron walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."
tryin my best to dad joke my way thru this monday. I don’t know how else to function at this point ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
2 bros are fighting and one draws a line in the sand. He says “if you step over this I will punch you in the face!”

That was the punchline
what did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K for the first time?

HDMI
announcement:
due to the pandemic I will only be telling inside jokes
I was freezing so I spent the whole night in the corner—it’s 90 degrees
What food is the opposite of ladyfingers?

mentos
Why did they reduce the penguin’s bail?

They decided he wasn’t a flight risk.
I asked my partner for a phone book, and they just laughed and handed me their iphone.

Long story short: the spider is dead, their iphone screen is cracked, and they are really pissed off at me.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up—it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know she means well.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.

Turns out chickens don’t even know how to make sandwiches😠
What is a ghost’s favorite type of logic?

Boolean
Why did the bank hire a dog to fetch sticks?

They needed a new branch manager
Did you hear about the T-Rex who got caught selling weapons?

Apparently he was a small arms dealer
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

They’re dead.
What kind of car runs on leaves?

An autumn-mobile🍂
Just saw a movie about how ships are put together.

It was riveting.
FIRST DATE

Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad (turning to daughter): "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
the bartender says, "we don't serve time travelers here."

a time traveler walks into a bar.
This weekend I installed a skylight in my bathroom.

Boy were the upstairs neighbors pissed.
🦉🍕 https://twitter.com/Kristen_Arnett/status/1312791292334747658
There are only two hard problems in distributed systems:  
2. Exactly-once delivery 
1. Guaranteed order of messages 
2. Exactly-once delivery

(from @mathiasverraes)
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says we don't serve food here.
My girlfriend said she’s mad that I don’t buy her flowers.

Honestly I didn’t even know that she sold flowers🤔🤔🤔
Why don't horses use the internet?

Because they don’t have stable connections.
I asked my dad if he had any secret talents.

He replied: If I did, how the hell would I know about them?
What do baby mathematicians drink?

Formula.
I was going to make a chemistry joke but I didn’t think I’d get a reaction.
Have you heard about the patron saint of e-mails?

It’s Saint Francis of a CC:
You can follow @histoftech.
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