Future me when I have to train a new officer someday

"It is a bad idea to wander in the service corridors or the lower level tunnel, especially after dark. Have a destination in mind and walk toward it. Do not pause in the darkness, nor peer into the shadows. They get upset."

"Your reflection is not a foe, but it likes to play tricks. Do not encourage it by making eye contact — except in the bathroom mirror, where it is mandatory that you do so. Do not speak to it. It will feel entitled to make snide commentary and distract you from your patrol."

"The lobby is always safe. Three feet around a vending machine, and the atrium spaces onto which the elevators open, are usually safe. Well, they are unless you've woken something up. — What's that? … How to know whether you've woken something up? Oh, it'll let you know."

"A word on offices with the lights off. If the door is open, it's safe. If the door is closed, do not open it; walk quietly past. There is no need to tiptoe, but do not be loud. Do not think loud thoughts. Do not look inside. They can tell if you're watching. It agitates them."

"Remember what I said! Do not pause in the darkness, including while patrolling poorly lit cubicle floors like A2, A3, and A5. They have only emergency lights, like tiny lighthouses at sea. Stand in that pool of light all you want — but not in the shadows between cubicles."

"Hit most, but not all, badge locations. The doors are loud. You may be briefly paralyzed with fear if you accidentally open the walk-in freezer. You'll get a blast of icy air to the face and hear a squeal somewhere between the howling winter wind and the shrieks of the damned."

"The secretaries for many of these office spaces will leave out chocolates, mints, or other sweets as a gesture of hospitality. A warm presence near the desk is usually a low-tier astral projection from the secretary. Take a piece (only one) of candy; it would be rude to refuse."

"Carrying sweets serves a twofold purpose: if you feel yourself getting rapidly weary, you can eat one to maintain your strength until you reach the lobby. You can also drop them on the floor, where they will serve to deter almost any Thing that might be pursuing you. … Almost."

"Pace yourself so that you do not tire. Drink from fountains and ice machines in well-lit rooms. Water sources in shadow are safe only if you clearly maintain your purpose in mind. Most people are unsuited for such deep concentration; their minds will fracture under the strain."

"Truly astute guards will perceive that they are being watched while on patrol. This is no cause for concern. It is comforting to have many small eyes upon you; they watch the biggest predator in the vicinity. Be concerned if they aren't looking at you; it means you're prey now."

"A photo, portrait, statue, or sculpture of a dog is a good omen. Dogs, and dog effigies, faithfully guard against intruders onto our plane of existence. Close proximity to dogs guarantees your safety, even in total darkness — as long as you do not look any Thing in the eyes."

"Do not expect the same loyalty from cats. The average cat will flee the instant it catches a whiff of danger, whether on the breeze or leaking from the air ducts. And a cat who does not run is just as likely to quietly sit and watch you get disemboweled as it is to defend you."

"After about four hours, you may notice tiny fluttering wisps on the very borders of your field of vision. Psych and physiology experts say this phenomenon is derived from fatigue or low-frequency vibrations rapidly jittering your eyeballs. They're wrong. It's very small ghosts."

"If you have a chance, take a short break and continue your patrol outside. All (I think) of the Things for which you ought to be concerned prefer to remain indoors. Those that venture out do not concern themselves with you, so do not waste your own energy worrying about them."

"Now, there are Things that live outside, but they're more like giant sheets of clouds or fog. They descend from the mountains to quietly suck tiny quantities of life out of vast tracts of densely-populated valley cities. They get mistaken for inversion during their peak season."

"You may also have had a particularly frightening (though usually harmless) run-in with some vagrant low-tier Things while asleep or daydreaming. These Things generally appear as faint humanoid apparitions with elongated torsos and animal heads, rather like Egyptian deities."

"Corporeally insubstantial Things sniff out a brain's electrical output and latch onto its unconscious stream in order to attain the fleeting exhilaration of a physical form. They suddenly, albeit briefly, manifest as animals that have recently crossed the host's mind."

"A tangent. I mentioned the freezer, but I forgot to tell you about the oil storage door, which is one of the locations you'll badge that doesn't open. It's an oddity. It's securely locked, but it often rattles noisily. Do not attempt to open it. Do not look in the tiny window."

"The third floor of K building is unfinished. I know they say to do every floor. Avoid that floor. Lighting is very poor, and I have never stayed put long enough to search for light switches. The one time I patrolled K3, I didn't see anything, but I felt distinctly ill-at-ease."

"While we're discussing K building, don't open the inner loading dock door on K1, the giant automatic roll-up door in the middle of the wall. You can't miss it. It hasn't been oiled, so it jams in place. That distraction could break your focus at a critical moment. Stay safe."

"An enormous murder of perhaps 300 crows gathers and roosts in the trees by the parking lot west of K. They caw and caw all night. If you drive over there on car patrol, turn off your lights, roll down the window, and listen for a bit. Resist the urge to honk the horn at them."

"There's a refrigerated trailer permanently stationed in the crows' lot. It's set at -10℉. The generator starts when it rises to -3℉. Check it 3 times during your shift. I shouldn't have to say this, but don't mind the green fluids slowly leaking out, and DON'T OPEN IT."

"Every laboratory space has automatic doors that will open when you swipe your badge at the checkpoint. You shouldn't ever need to enter a lab. Each one is identical: a mad scientist-type bottle and vial layout, tangles of computers and cables, and a persistent dog food odor."

"A notable exception to the 'all lab doors open' rule is Lab 2 on the second floor in the Research South building. The lock won't disengage. It shouldn't, anyway. Make sure those doors are secure every time you check Research South. Nobody and nothing should get in — or out."

"The Customer Experience showroom on C1 is always lights-out during the night patrol, but there are plenty of 4-foot-tall LED screens showing cats eating daintily from their bowls. Note that while these cats are video playback, they have a tendency to come and go as they please."

"The C1 showroom also has ten AR headsets charging on a table. You'll see a sign that reads DO NOT USE in bold letters. They're customized, powerful gear. Don one of those AR headsets without supervision, and your mind will spiral inward upon itself and take you to bad places."