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Why 2019 was A YEAR: my coming out story.
a thread
a thread
I didn& #39;t think i would see 2019 come and go, i didn& #39;t think i would live it. on 4th September 2018 i was stood on a cliff face ready to disappear, ready to take my own life.
i had been suicidal for a while before this and suffered with severe anxiety and depression, all because of one thing. my sexuality.
i grew up in a very religious household, my mother raised my siblings and i as a strict denomination of christianity (JW). Growing up it was very clear what the stance was on homosexuality and the messaging i was fed was blatant and harsh.
i vividly recall when i was no older than 7 years old my mother saying "if any of my children turned out to be gay, i would never speak to them again" I was so young, but that has stuck with me ever since.
because of this I grew up in fear of who i was on the inside and i did everything in my power to try and eradicate it. by aged 8 i had started to suffer with my mental health which i kept a secret from everyone and carried on as a "happy child"
i was successful at playing this character, i hid who i was and played up to the norms that were set for me. i even made the decision to be baptised into the religion at 17 and continued my path as a "model christian".
soon enough i got into a relationship, with a beautiful girl i had known since i was 10 years old and she was my best friend. we genuinely had the most amazing bond i had ever felt with anyone. to this day i believe we are soul mates.
as is the expectation within the faith, we were engaged in a short space of time and were planning our wedding which would take place 9 months after i proposed. at the ripe old age of 20. (!)
so here i was, a married man at 20 living a strict heterosexual, christian lifestyle. i had everything i was told i needed in my life and for a moment i was thrilled but that was fleeting as i realised that every part of my life was based on the desire to please other people
it was superficial and there was no authenticity in my life. which when you realise this, is soul destroying.
this obviously took its toll and over time, i became depressed and anxiety hit me HARD. the more i tried to hide my true self the more insular i became. which is when the suicidal thoughts began.
i knew that by embracing my true self, i would loose everything i had been conditioned into thinking i *needed* in my life. not to mention be cut off from the community/religion i had been part of my entire life. i was terrified.
but all the while i felt like a fraud. every day for 24 years i put on a mask to be the person everyone else needed me to be or expected me to be. until one day i had had enough. that day was 4th September 2018.
i drove myself to a cliff face, knowing exactly what i was planning on doing. i was tired of editing myself, knowing i could never live up to the standards set for me. because of my sexuality.
standing on that cliff face, balling my eyes out was when i realised that taking my life wasn& #39;t going to solve anything. it hit me that my life is so much more important than the feelings/opinions of other people.
i dont know where this inner strength came from but i& #39;m glad it came through. i knew that i needed to live my truth, despite my beliefs, despite my marriage, despite the knowledge that i would be cut off from everyone in my life. this is what needed to happen for my own happiness
it took me a year to get from accepting and realising all of this to doing something about it and finally coming out in October this year.
i started by telling my wife, which was the hardest and most heart wrenching to do as this decision to be myself affected her life too.
she was devastated, but her reaction was loving, kind and understanding. and to this day, despite the pain that has been caused to her in this situation, is wonderfully amicable and compassionate.
i then told other members of my family who told me that i could be fixed through the "power of prayer" or "if i just gave it my best shot, with their help", my mother even told me i could take some hormones 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Auf den Kopf gestelltes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Auf den Kopf gestelltes Gesicht">(this comes from a misinformed mindset rather than a malicious one btw)
i have since been cut off from everyone in my life who was linked to the religion. i lost everything and anyone who was important to me. i& #39;ve been called "satan& #39;s puppet", "selfish" and been told that i& #39;m "unrecognisable".
i havent spoken to my mother, my sister, my nephews or my best friends of 8+ years, since i decided i was going to be myself. this hurts alot. there are days where i just cry because i want to reach out so badly. it feels like i am grieving the loss of my former life.
this being the case, i have recognised that if this is what i needed to sacrifice in order to live my truth, it is worth it 100 times. over the past couple of months i have met/engaged with some bloody brilliant people both on and offline.
. @davidgodfrey00 was the first person i told my situation to and he was so understanding, empathetic and helpful. He& #39;s been instrumental in me being where i am today and that is a beautiful thing. my best mate 5eva.
. @jackremmington was an absolute gem and despite him recieving a beggy DM from me at a low moment he was gracious and loving, i& #39;ve not met someone with as much genuine care and concern for people in this community and its absolutely golden to see. LOVE YOU.
. @brettgladden123 is solidly my hero. since coming out he has been a guiding light, always checking up on me, inviting me out and making sure i always have something in my calendar to look forward to. (usually with him and his bf) so much love for these boys.
. @HRWright is an oracle of gay knowledge and one of the funniest people i have met but also has provided me with some of the best advise i have ever received. an actual gay icon whom i will stan forever x
also my mate george, who isnt on twitter but is a genuinely lovely and caring person who always calls me out on when i& #39;m being too extra, but loves me for it regardless. he took me to get my ear pierced which was one of my favourite moments of 2019. forever my therapist.
basically what i am getting at is that, in the very short time that i have been part of this community i have been met by nothing but love, support, guidance and genuine friendship by those within it.
i NEVER thought i would come out, i genuinely thought i would die before i lived as an openly gay man because i never saw this as part of my future due to my upbringing.
but coming out was the best decision i have ever made in my entire life. its been hard and it has come with its negatives, but the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices i have made.
i feel genuinely happy for the first time in my life, that after 24 years of living with a mask on, i can finally wake up every day and show the world who i really am on the inside.
for so long i was scared of being defined by my sexuality. but coming out has made me realise that none of us can be defined by our sexuality. i am a gay man, but i am so much more than JUST that. i am special and i am worthy of my own happiness and love and you are too.
as LGBT people, religion can alienate us, it can make us feel worthless and unlovable and tear us down for simply BEING. so for any of you who are struggling with a religious upbringing, be strong and be you.
i know that religion for many is comforting due to the sense of community with likeminded people, this is something i LOVED about being part of a faith. but just know that there is an even better community out there, who will love you for YOU.
so to my LGBTQ+ family who are still in hiding, for whatever reason, be it an oppressive and homophobic family or fear of the environment you are living in. when you& #39;re ready we are waiting. we are waiting with arms open wide and hearts full of love to share with you.
@threadreaderapp unroll pls hunni x
