My sister got married when she was 18 years old. To a man that was considerably older than her and whom she thought she loved. A week after the wedding was the first time he lost his temper and proceeded to launch into vicious verbal abuse directed at her.

Nearly a year later things transpired into physical abuse. For five years my sister braved the storm on her own without breathing a word of it to us. On the surface she was happy and despite being young making her marriage work.

Her in laws, opposed to the marriage from the beginning wasted no opportunity to humiliate her. She was harassed sexually several times by her father in law and verbally abused constantly by her mother in law.

Everytime she tried to leave she was met with his manipulative apologies and empty promises that things would change. My excruciatingly desi mother stifled her pleas for help with the typical “log kya kaheinge” and “ghar basao”

It wasn’t until she caught him having an affair with a woman even younger than her that she decided to leave, regardless of what he or my mother said. This man, who has placed on my sister the burden of his emotional outbursts, anger, abuse and gaslit her into staying,

had quietly gone and found another woman. I helped my sister pack her bags, her money, gold and we left. Since then, she has received accusations of adultery, being a bad wife and being a sinner for seeking divorce. My mother, in spite of being reluctantly supportive

Never misses an opportunity to remind her how terrible and shameful divorce is. Despite being a divorcee herself. Despite being the target of the same accusations two decades ago, my mother felt it right to subject her to a similar fate because “tumhari marzi hai”.

The reason I write this thread is not to air out the dirty laundry of my family but to say this to any woman trapped in an abusive marriage and to any parent who’s telling their daughter to have “sabr”

There is nothing more shameful than being an abuser. The shame of ghar torna rests on the shoulders of the men who choose to abuse and hurt the wives they’ve sworn to protect. Who betray, lie, cheat and manipulate.

Our society is so habitually inclined to blame the woman that we forget how absolutely shameful it is to beat your wife and to condone having your daughters beaten in the name of “ghar basana”.

The foundation of a marriage should not rest on the blood and tears of your daughters. A marriage which works at the expense of your daughter’s self respect and wellbeing needs to be broken down until it’s dust.

Desi parents love saying that divorce shakes the seven skies. Will your just and merciful God take pleasure in your daughter’s pain? How does it sit right with you that under the facade of a marriage is a bruised and exhausted woman?

Divorce is not shameful, mama. Not protecting your child is.