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Some of you guys may be aware that my sister has been being stalked by a ex-partner she met on a dating app - but this week, to our GREAT relief, he’s been sentenced to 18 weeks in prison and a restraining order. Only 1% of stalkings are convicted - so a thread on why this was:
BE CLEAR: we told him once, in clear and polite terms, in writing, to stop. He replied saying he understood and would do so (spoiler alert - he did not.) At that point, we took a screenshot - hoping we’d never need to use them - just in case.
DO NOT ENGAGE: once he’d been told, we didn’t reply to anything he sent - no matter HOW upsetting, enraging, or cruel. He’d been told he wouldn’t get a reply, and wasn’t entitled to one - no matter how many tantrums he threw for attention.
DISENGAGE EMOTIONALLY, TOO: he used manipulation, suicide threats, insults and intimidation (in that order) - all while painting himself as the victim. We called police for a welfare check after the first suicide threat, because we’re not made of stone - and got this response:
(That “promise” lasted under a week. And I am not saying it’s POSSIBLE to disengage emotionally - I’m just saying, if you can, even just a little, it makes it easier. Sticks and stones, and all that...)
RECORD-KEEPING: we took screenshots of everything - call logs, fake accounts he’d created, every single message (with timestamps) - and saved them, dated, in a folder. If you have to give a police statement, this will help both as evidence and so you don’t have to go from memory.
TAKE PHOTOS: if they turn up at your house (and you can safely do so) take photos throughout the period they’re there. Timestamps will prove how long they were loitering - which for us was essential, because he denied it on arrest.
DON’T BE AFRAID TO CALL THE POLICE: they attended last week and let him go, but with a warning - which, admittedly, at the time was disappointing. But he didn’t FOLLOW their advice - which gave them grounds to make an arrest.
TALK TO SOMEONE: the whole experience can make you feel scared, isolated, and anxious. Talking among friends and family will remind you that the way they see the world (and you!) is not accurate, and deeply unfair - and will help you keep your head above water.
AND REMEMBER: it is not your fault. Even if they’re an ex-partner, or they say you’ve MADE them do it - no-one has the right to invade your space or your thoughts when you have asked them to leave you alone. If they do, whatever happens - it ain’t you. It’s them.
There are lots of resources available if you ARE struggling with something like this - @womensaid, @live_life_safe, @paladinservice are all far more qualified than I am to advise - but hopefully our story helps a little. Peace out x
Thank you to everyone who has been so so KIND in response to this thread which has ABSOLUTELY blown up. Adding this video of her being an Actual Angel tonight - you can find more of her music at http://reverbnation.com/beckyrose ">https://reverbnation.com/beckyrose... x
