INCORRECT DUBU THREAD

Kibum: I'm totally into dark humour.

Jinki, turning the lights off: Wanna hear a joke?

Kibum: Shake it.

Jinki: *shimmies*

Kibum:

Kibum: The bottle of juice, Jinki. I was talking about the bottle of juice.

Interviewer: What are your future plans?

Jinki: Lunch.

Interviewer: I meant long term plans.

Jinki: What, like dinner?

Jinki: I bought a horse.

Minho: Why di-

Jinki: His name is Mayo.

Minho: Yeah but w-

Jinki: Mayo neighs.

[at the flea market]

Kibum: You can't sell this crap.

Jinki: What do you mean? I've got great stuff for sale. Here, take a dead battery. It's free of charge.

Jinki: I found a genie!

Kibum: Okay don't do anything stupid.

Jinki: *finishing his 3rd taco* Like what?

SM: Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?

Jinki: Um, apparently, I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass?

Taemin: Hyung, I got a pet snake! What should I name him?

Jonghyun: I’m sorry, you got a what now?!

Jinki: William Snakespear.

Jinki: How do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?

Kibum: A glass of water is an inanimate object and is therefore incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic English.

Jinki: Water you doing?

Jinki: It is scientifically proven that the more you think, the more negative it gets.

Jinki: Therefore in order to boost our serotonin levels we must abandon all brain cells.

Taemin: Hey can I have a fry?

Jinki: These are called nacho fries. Because, in literal sense, they are ‘not-your-fries’. They’re mine. I bought them. And that’s why they’re in my possession.

Jinki: What kind of fish is only made of two sodium atoms?

Jinki: 2 Na

Jinki: What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Jinki: Core-an.

Jinki: I generally think of myself as an okay leader, but I remember I'd somehow forgotten to show Taemin what an owl was and he thought it was called a wood penguin...

Taemin: Aren’t you tired of being nice? Don’t you just wanna go apeshit?

Jinki: Aren’t you tired of going apeshit? Don’t you just want to be nice?

Jinki: *sees a child crying at the grocery store*

Jinki: Hey, kiddo.

Jinki [crouching down to his level]: Can you move? You're blocking the bread.

Kibum: That outfit looks weird on you.

Jinki: You bought everything I’m wearing.

Kibum: You weren't supposed to wear it together.

Yoogeun: You don't have a lot of friends to play with.

Jinki: I guess not.

Yoogeun: I told my mum you always play with yourself.

Jinki: ...Thanks, Yoogeun.

Jinki: *Lifts 100 pound weights*

Jonghyun: Jinki is so intense.

Kibum: I wonder what drives him.

Jinki: *in his head* I’m gonna be so good at hugging.

Jinki: I’d tell you an airplane joke, but it would fly right over your head!

Jinki: I ascended mortality today by eating nearly an entire box of cocoa pebbles for breakfast.

Taemin: NICE.

Kibum: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Jinki: That's the general gist of the reactions I've gotten.

Jinki: I’m going to start being more assertive, if that’s okay with everyone.

Jinki: Love is a lie. I'm all alone in this deteriorating planet. Romance is dead.

Minho: ... Are you okay?

Kibum: Oh my god, I didn't know the cheesecake was yours-

Jinki: HEATHEN-

Jinki: Look, I can say no to people.

Kibum: Oh really? Like the time those Girl Scouts talked you into buying a dozen boxes of cookies?

Jinki: That wasn’t my fault! There were four of them and only one of me!

Jinki: I would like to.. become a bumble bee. Sit on flowers. Be yellow. Not understand capitalism.

Jinki: Has anyone seen my glasses? I can’t find them anywhere.

Taemin: [looking at the glasses on Jinki’s head] I’ll help you find them for five dollars.

Kibum: Jinki, cause a distraction.

Jinki, throwing raisins: Raisins! Raisins! They used to be grapes!

Jinki: Please do not get mad at me if I don't use your futuristic slang properly. Are we cowabunga on this?

Bartender: That girl wanted to buy you a drink.

Jinki: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think she'd buy me chicken fries?

Kibum: It's unhealthy to eat after 9PM.

Jinki, ordering chicken at 3AM: Oh man, it's a good thing time is an illusion.

Jonghyun: Past tense of William Shakespeare? William Shookespeare.

Jinki: Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

Kibum: STOP.

Jinki: I just tried to make a reservation at the library...

Kibum: You don't need a reserv-

Jinki: But I couldn't get one.

Kibum: Please stop talking.

Jinki: It was fully booked.

Jinki: Cake can be a powerful thing. Cake can bring people together.

Jinki: I'm wearing my cowboy clothes, I guess I'm ... ranch dressing.

Jinki: I’m a cool parent. That’s my thing.

Jinki: I’m hip. I surf the web. I text.

Jinki: LOL, laugh out loud. OMG, oh my goodness. WTF, why the face.

Jinki: I know all the dances to High School Musical, so...

Jinki: Of course I eat consciously.

Jinki: I can't eat unconscious.

Taemin: Good morning, hyung! Let's get this bread!

Jinki: Send me a picture of the bread you want and I will see if the store has it

Jinki: I've been working on my summer body.

Jinki: It's my regular body, but with more popsicles in it.

Jinki: Don't make Jinki mad!

Taemin: Okay but what is he gonna do? Hug me?

Kibum: Hey, your shoes are on the wrong feet.

Jinki: I don't have any other feet!

Kibum:

Kibum: I can't do this anymore.

Jinki, being kidnapped: Will I need my toothbrush?

Kidnapper: Shut up.

Jinki: I’m assuming that means you're providing the toothbrush.

Jinki: Kibum, ask what kind of tree I have.

Kibum: No.

Jinki: Minho, ask what kind of tree I have.

Minho: No.

Jinki: Jonghyun, ask what kind of tree I have.

Jonghyun: What kind of-

Jinki: It's a Chris Pine.

Snickers commercial: You’re not you when you’re hungry.

Jinki, always hungry: Who am I?

Jinki: What does the chef recommend?

Minho: Hyung, this is a Mcdonald's.

Jinki: My bad.

Jinki: What does the McChef recommend?

Jinki: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?

Kibum: …what?

Jinki: It becomes daytrogen.

Kibum: …I’m going to bed.

Jinki: Good nitrogen.

Jinki: Sleep tightrogen.

Jinki: Don’t let the bedbugs bitetrogen.

Taemin: What country is next to the USA?

Jinki: USB.

Jinki, about Kibum: He never wants to best friend cuddle!

Kibum: Best friends don’t cuddle.

Jinki: Maybe not in Meanie McMean town where you’re from.

Jonghyun: So, Jinki, how was your day?

Jinki: Someone pushed me down.

Jonghyun: Did you push them back?

Jinki: No?

Jonghyun: Uh huh, Minho?

Minho: I'm on it.

Interviewer: What do you wanna be when you're older?

Jinki: Cloud.

Minho: Is Jinki hyung around?

Jonghyun: Yeah. Why don't you ask him what he's doing?

[Minho looks over; sees Jinki shampooing a cow]

Minho: I'd rather not.

Jinki: Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

Jinki: It’s just a moo point.

Minho: A moo point?

Jinki: Yeah. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter. It’s moo.

Minho, to Kibum: have I been hanging out with him too much or did that all just make sense?

Jonghyun: So how was your night out?

Jinki: The music in the club stopped for a minute and everybody heard me open my velcro wallet.

*At the mall*

Jinki: Who is this Victoria, and what is her secret?

Kibum: That’s just the name of the store-

Jinki: I’m intrigued. Let’s go in.

*A few minutes later*

Jinki: *wide-eyed* That was not what I expected. Also, there was no secret.

Jinki: I'm tired of you fake Ratatouille fans thinking the rat’s name is Ratatouille.

Jonghyun: Please I only said that once.

Lee Sooman: You've acted like SHINee's dad for years.

Jinki: More like their slightly older, much wiser brother.

Lee Sooman: Whatever you need to tell yourself.

Jinki, stomping his feet to reveal his light up crocs: Will you be my light in the dark?

Kibum: I have to get out of here.

Jinki: (dressed as Santa Claus) Everyone wants a little Christmas cheer from Jinki's big sack!

Minho: Maybe don't say 'big sack'.

Jinki: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called...

Jinki: An octo-lie.

Jinki: I have a very vague understanding of what a 7 year old is. I know it’s a child. But what grade they’d be in, how much they would know about, I dunno, science, or how big they would be.. I have no idea.

Taemin: I’m sure they have teeth.

Jinki: So they’re weaponized.

Taemin: What are you listening to?

Taemin: *grabs earbud*

Jinki: No, wait-

Audiobook: It was at this time that Christopher Robin told his friends that the honey had run out. "Oh bother!" exclaimed Pooh.

Taemin: Can I have some of the candy on the shelf?

Jinki: You know the rules.

Taemin: No candy before dinner?

Jinki: No, those are Kibum’s rules, my rule is that you bring me one, too.

Jinki: People always want to take pictures with me. I’m like a sunset.

Jinki, lounging on the grass at ISAC: (laughs) Everyone is stupid except me.

*chips packages are empty*

Minho: How many did you eat roughly?

Jinki: I ate them gently.

Jinki: What does a house wear?

Jinki: Address.

Kibum: [gets a pancake stuck to the ceiling]

Kibum: Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say-

Jinki: Batter up.

Jinki: I can literally feel my stats double when I put on a nice sweater.

Jinki, sipping apple juice from a champagne glass and staring into the middle distance: I've had it.

Jinki: In 2020, we do not try to domesticate a raccoon, BUT if one wanders into our home because he thinks the couch is nice and he likes the atmosphere, then he can stay.

Jinki: There’s a leak in the sink!

Kibum: I’m not falling for this again, last time you said there was a flood and you went off about an emotional flood of happiness.

Jinki: But there's an actual leak!

[in the bathroom]

Kibum: *sighs*

Jinki: *pointing at leek in the sink*

Jinki: Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

Minho: They’re Marsupials.

Jinki: They don’t have the koalafications!

Minho: Why are you running so slowly?

Jinki: It does not matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop - Wisdom of Confucius

Jinki: Yeah. Can’t eat pie fast or you’ll cramp. That is a science.

Jonghyun: Someday, I would love to live in a world governed by your rules of physics.

Kibum: I can’t believe you left Jinki alone!

Jonghyun: He’ll be fine. He’s our leader.

Kibum: That’s just what he’s called, doesn’t mean he actually knows what he’s doing!

Minho: Hey, hyung?

Jinki: Yeah, bro?

Minho: Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Jinki: Brochure.

Taemin: Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?

Jinki: I sure hope he does.

Jinki: Did you know that you can't spell ‘self’ without elf?

Jonghyun: What does that even mean?

Jinki: I don't know but it cheered me up earlier.

Taemin: Where do the cool kids hang out?

Jinki: How should I know?

Jonghyun: Could I borrow a pencil?

Jinki, pulling out a pen: The 'cil' seems to be missing from my pen. I hope you don't mind.

Taemin: Can we go out for ice cream?

Jinki: What did Kibum say?

Taemin: He said no.

Jinki: Then why are you asking me?

Taemin: Because he's not the boss of you.

Jinki, internally: It's a trap it's a trap it's a trap-

Jinki: I like to establish my dominance by staring at the others while unplugging their phones from the charger to plug in my own phone.

Jinki: I lost the cover to the fried chicken bucket. I have to eat all of it now.

Minho, pointing to the cover on the table: It's right there.

Jinki: Where?

Jinki: *throws the cover*

Jinki: Fate has forced my hand. I must eat all of this fried chicken.

Jinki: Crocs are like old friends you've known all your life.

Jinki: But they are the kind of friends who will pour sand in your drink.

Jonghyun: What kind of cake do you like?

Jinki: Well, my favorite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there’s writing on it make sure it’s not all caps... I don’t need my dessert yelling at me.

Taemin: What if ducks threw bread back at you?

Jinki: You’d have to duck.

Kibum: I hate both of you.

Kibum: In light of what you did for me... you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Jinki, immediately grabbing him into a huge bear hug: Forty-five seconds?!

Kibum, already struggling: NO! FOUR TO FIVE SECONDS!

Jinki: [got full score in a test, even though he didn't study for it]

Jinki: They say you are what you eat but it's funny because I don't remember eating a legend.

Minho: Why won't you share?!

Jinki: It's chicken flavour!

Minho, nodding: Say no more.

Jinki: The human life is a strained and tense one. I envy the life of a smooth rock resting on the beach… warmed by the sun… unaware of the trials and tribulations of sentient life…

Kibum: Do you need to talk?

Jinki: I wish I was a croissant.

Jinki: God, pigeons have such good coos. They're like horoorororo. I love it. It vibrates in the chambers of my heart and awakens my soul from a slumber that was far, far too long. Horoorororo.

Minho: Hyung, you don't eat a hot dog wearing a tuxedo.

Jinki: This hot dog's not wearing a tuxedo.

Taemin: I want some ice cream.

Jinki: Oh, I don't keep junk food in the dorm. Not since I ate it all last night.

Jinki: What if one of us takes the blame, so that the rest of us can go unpunished?

Kibum: Good, Jinki, get all of those terrible ideas out of your system.

Jinki: Why do ducks have tail feathers?

Jinki: To hide their butt quacks.

Jinki: My beautiful baby, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Taemin: Can I have a dorito?

Jinki: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my doritos.

[SHINee groupchat]

Jinki: how make chicken

Kibum: What?

Jinki: where buy chicken

Minho: this isn't Google.

Jinki: avocado

Jinki: When life gives you free food, you don't question it!

Jinki: Don’t you just love dogs? I love them so much my eyes swell with tears and I can’t breathe.

Minho: HYUNG, YOU'RE ALLERGIC -

Jinki: You can't trust people who step on flowers.

Jinki: I saw Yoogeun carrying a hamster the other day so I asked if I could pet it.

Minho: Yeah, and?

Jinki: It turned out it was a muffin...

Jinki: Follow your dreams, keep sleeping.

Jinki: One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

Minho: Are you okay?

Jinki, planted face down: I'm having me time.

Jinki: *pointing at Kibum* My last braincell.

Jinki: A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.

Jinki: Baa Dum Hissss!

Jinki: I’m eating just in case I get hungry later.

Jinki: Why me?

Taemin: Because people like you. You’re quiet, you say ‘excuse me’. You look like little birds help you get dressed every morning.

Minho: Get up! It's morning, sun is out!

Jinki: And what am I supposed to do? Photosynthesize?

Jinki, cheerfully answering the phone: It’s the dorm of Shining SHINee, what the fuck do you want?

Jinki, trying to be relevant: The earth may be flat but this ass isn't.

Kibum: He can be so immature sometimes.

Minho: Remember how excited he got when he found out he could drink two Capri-suns at once?

Jinki: *Holding three Capri-suns* Guys, you’re not gonna believe this!

Jinki: Breathe if you think I’m cool.

Kibum:

Jinki:... you’re turning blue.

Jinki: Has anyone seen my salami sword?

Minho:

Minho: your what.

Minho: What are your plans for the new year?

Jinki: I wouldn’t know. I don't have 2020 vision.

Jinki: I fucking love toast, like what genius took a bite out of a piece of bread and was like "Cook it again". Unreal.

Taemin: Denim underwear.

Jinki: I think you mean... jeangerie.

Taemin, to Adam and Eve while lying face down on the bed: And then I called him dad.

Jinki, to PINee while trying not to cry: And then he called me dad.

Jinki: *Sighs* 2019, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Kibum: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they’re a wide eyed mess.

Jinki: WHAT KIND OF SUBWAY DO YOU GO TO?!

*loud crash*

Jinki: What was that?!

Taemin: Nothing!

Jinki: Okay *mumbling* Parenting is easier than it looks.

Jinki: 13 year olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day.

Jinki: Why have abs when you can have kebabs.

Jinki: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on here?!

Minho: It's hard to explain, but Taemin-

Jinki: I've heard enough. Forget I asked.

Jinki @ Jongtae's Internet War stage: I have PTSD from your PDA.

Jinki: I dreamed about you last night.

KFC delivery guy: Sir, please just sign the receipt so i can leave.

Kibum: I did a little sleuthing on our competition. You want me to spill the beans?

Jinki: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

Jinki: [googling] are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

Kibum: You don't think I can fight because I don't conform to rigid gender roles!

Minho: No, I don't think you can fight because you're wearing a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Jinki could fight in that dress, either.

Jinki: I'd still make a radiant bride.

Jinki: Sleep and Eat is my motto, and it’s not as easy as it seems. Sometimes you eat too much and you can’t sleep. Sometimes you sleep too much and miss the meals.

Kibum: Wow, your life is such a delicate balance.

Jinki: You have no idea!

Jinki: Don't freak out, Taemin!

Taemin: I'm not.

Jinki: Well that makes one of us!

Jinki: I’m not lying in bed physically but I am lying in bed spiritually.

Cashier: Woah, 58 boxes of chicken tenders! Having a party tonight?

Jinki:

Jinki: Sure.

Kibum: If you skip the cheese on your hamburger you could save 5876 calories per year.

Jinki: How about you mind your business.

Jinki: Can we take a snack break, please? I haven't had anything since 2.

Minho: it’s 2:15.

Kibum: We are not posing as a couple again.

Jinki: Are you sure? Because I’ve got a lot more terms of endearment to use. Honey pie. Sugar plum. Bread pudding.

Kibum: Why are they all high-calorie foods?

Jinki: Do you want me to call you celery stick instead?

Jinki: Do you want to know how I got hurt?

Taemin: Yes?

Jinki: Hula hooping! Jonghyun and I attend a class. I have mastered all the moves: the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle-

Taemin: Why are you telling me this?

Jinki: Because no one will ever believe you.

Jinki: I’ve got tea.

Kibum: Oooh, spill it!

Jinki: No, I mean actual tea. Why would I spill my tea?

Kibum: That’s not what I thought you meant.

Jinki: Back away from the tea!

Jinki: Sorry I'm late! I was at home sitting down.

Minho: You're on a date with someone when they refer to guacamole as avocado jelly. What do you do?

Kibum: Leave.

Taemin: Propose!

Jinki: Bold of you to assume I'm on a date.

Jinki: I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

Minho: And what happened?

Jinki: Now I live in constant fear.

Jinki: People always ask me how I manage to lead SHINee so easily.

Jinki: The secret is, I don't. This morning Taemin called me and when I showed up, Minho shot me in the throat with a nerf gun.

Jinki: Life...is an egg.

Kibum: Elaborate.

Jinki: Sometimes... there's chicken in it.

Jinki: Oh fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

Kibum, crying: PLEASE, JUST SAY FUCK.

Jinki: Let me tell you about the birds and the bees.

Taemin: Wait- No. Please...No.

Jinki: Did you know there are over 10,000 species of birds?

Taemin: What-?

Jinki: And that bees are dying at an alarming rate?

Taemin: I-

Jinki: Get your jacket. We're gonna save some bees.

Jinki: How do bees keep their hair looking nice?

Jinki: A honey comb!

Minho: Bees don't have hair...?

Jinki: A HONEY COMB!

Jinki, to Taemin: We're not mad, we're dissapointed.

Kibum: Yes, we're mad.

Jinki: Right, we're mad. Furious. Livid... But we're going to let this one slide.

Kibum: No, we're not!

Jinki: I'm not a mind reader, Kibum.

Taemin: Okay, hyung. Do it now!

Jinki: Kibum.

Kibum: What?

Jinki: The tea is sizzling, sis. Wig snatched.

Kibum:

Kibum: Ten years just dropped off my lifespan. I can feel it.

Jinki: My body screams “VEGETABLES” but my heart screams “ICE CREAM”.

Minho: What does your brain say?

Jinki: It just screams.

[SHINee groupchat]

Jinki: A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Jinki: The bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

[Jinki has been removed from the chat]

Jinki: Taemin came down with updog.

Kibum: What’s updog?

Jinki, levitating: My whole life has been leading up to this moment.

Your crush is coming. Act natural.

Jinki:

Minho: This is coming from a guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.

Jinki: It’s called protecting your sandwich!

Jonghyun: Try to talk to the children about children stuff.

Jonghyun: You know? Relate to them. On their level.

Jinki: Okay. So, like, um, chicken nuggets and, uh, e-mail?

Jinki: This guy, *slides photo accross table* I want you to shoot him in the leg.

Gangster: This is you.

Jinki: My members want me to try Zumba.

Jinki: What are you drinking?

Kibum: Soy milk.

Jinki: Hola, soy Dubu Leader Onew!

Kibum:

Taemin: Hyung! What are you doing in my room at 1 in the morning?

Jinki, frantically: I need you to teach me how to use emojis.

Lee Jinki: trying his best to be a cool, respectable leader while wearing a ducky bandaid on his finger.

Minho: We don't download films illegally because we are hard working and honest people.

Jinki: Also, I don't know how.

Minho: Did Jinki hyung tell you he finally responded to a hateful comment online?

Kibum: Oh yeah, he did.

Minho: I mean, as an idol you’re like, “I’m not responding to any of this, are you kidding me?” but Jinki was like “come at me scrublord, I’m ripped.”

Jinki: I once quoted a vine in front of Taemin. Nobody believes him and now he lives in fear of my supposed knowledge of the internet. It’s delightful.

Kibum: So Jinki, do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Jinki: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's February 14th.

Jinki: I hate when people say I'm lollygagging when I'm clearly dillydallying!

Jinki: Sorry, I was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it.

Yoogeun: [starts screaming at 3AM]

Jonghyun: [half-asleep] Your turn.

Jinki: Ugh, fine...

Jinki: [starts screaming]

Kibum: What do you want?

Jinki: What do any of us want? A decent standard of living, a little respect, a quarter ton of chocolate mousse.

Jinki: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Minho: Okay, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Jinki: Yup, they’re all birds.

Minho: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?

Jinki: Breakfast.

Minho: FAMILY!

Jinki: Oh, right, family.

Jinki: *bends over to pick something up*

MVPs: EVERYONE! SALUTE SOUTH KOREA’S NATIONAL TREASURE!

Jinki: If I was food, I could be a pizza 'cause I'm so cheesy!

Jinki: Or a hamburger 'cause I got great buns.

Minho: Dude! There was the biggest nerd sat right where you are yesterday!

Jinki:

Jinki: That was me with glasses on.

Kibum: Did it hurt?

Jinki, blushing: When I fell from heav—

Kibum: When you fell on your face, I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Minho: Hyung, what are you drinking?

Jinki: Water.

Minho: Really? It doesn’t smell like water.

Jinki: It’s ... imported water.

Minho: Uh-huh. Imported from where?

Jinki: ...Russia.

Minho: Hyung, are you drinking vodka at nine in the morning?

Jinki: It’s nine-thirty.

Jinki: No really, I love children! It’s not weird at all that their teeth get pushed out of their heads by other teeth!

Taemin: I slept with Jongin.

Jinki: Well, I hope you both grabbed extra blankets.

Taemin:

Taemin: No, I mean we had s -

Jinki, not ready to accept that Taemin is sexually active: I HOPE YOU BOTH GRABBED EXTRA BLANKETS!

Jonghyun: Girls are hot.

Jonghyun: Guys are hot too.

Jonghyun: Why is everyone so hot!?

Jinki, deadpan: Global warming.

Taemin: I don't like your accusatory tone.

Jinki: Well I’d use a different tone but I'm about to accuse you of something.

Jinki: Please understand, I am not emotionally invested in this situation.

Kibum: That’s the nicest way of saying “I don’t give a fuck” I’ve ever seen.

Jinki: Where’s the General?

Soldier: *gestures ahead* There.

Jinki: I mean where’s MY General?

Soldier: *sighs and points to KFC*

Jinki: Caterpillars have more muscles than humans but I’d like to see one try to fight me irl and see what happens.

Jinki: You're too young for a boyfriend.

Taemin: And just how old do I need to be?!

Jinki: A year older than you are now, and every year it increases by one!

Bartender: I'm cutting you off.

Jinki: But I'm not drinking, I'm eating chicken fingers.

Bartender: This is your eighth basket, you're scaring everybody.

Minho: What’re you eating?

Jinki: A salad.

Minho: Yay!! I’m proud of you for eating something health-

Minho: Hyung, this is a bowl of croutons with a single lettuce leaf in it.

Jonghyun: Jinki, is it a bad sign if I can't read the fine print on the shampoo bottle anymore?

Jinki: That's nothing, Jonghyunnie. Yesterday I stopped my car in traffic for 15 minutes just to let a hedgehog cross the street.

Jinki: Then I realized it was a pinecone.

Jinki: What does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean?

Kibum: I don’t know, I love you, talk to you later.

Jinki: Okay, love you too, I'll ask Minho.

Kibum: Jinki figured out how to secretly stick notes on to people’s backs, but he doesn’t know that he should write things like ‘kick me’.

Kibum: So they just have puns on them.

Taemin: Hyung, what do we do?!

Jinki: *panicked* I don’t know!

Minho: But you’re the oldest!

Jinki: *panicked screaming* NOT MENTALLY!

Jinki: If you don't a l l o w me to be cheesy, you are NOT my bowl of macaroni.

Jinki: *holds up Taemin like Simba*

Jinki: This is my son and I’m proud of him.

Taemin: You wouldn't understand, hyung. You're not "with it".

Jinki: I used to be with "it". Then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't "it", and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. And it'll happen to yoooooouuuu!

Jinki: Wait, so Jongin kissed you and you said “thank you”?

Taemin, embarrassed: Yes.

Jinki, very proud of his son: Well, that was very polite.

Jinki: I almost dropped my phone onto my soft carpeted floor, but thanks to my lightning-fast reflexes I was able to slap it into the wall instead.

Jinki: I'M TOO HOT...

Jinki: *points at Kibum*

Jinki: :D

Kibum:

Jinki: :D

Kibum:

Jinki: :D

Kibum: *sighs*

Kibum: *monotone with deadpan expression* Hot damn.

*texting*

Jinki: Answer your phone.

Taemin: Give me a minute, I can't find it.

Jinki: Alright fine.

*five minutes later*

Jinki: You are a terrible child.

Minho: I’m running to the store, need anything?

Jinki: Some fruit, please?

Minho: Of course, what kind?

Jinki: Fruit loops.

Jonghyun: It’s a scam, Jinki. Not everything you read on the internet is true.

Jinki: So there are no beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

Kibum: How do you usually meet people?

Jinki: I'm retired.

Kibum: From meeting people?

Jinki: I know enough people already.

Kibum: Ugh, I have an eyelash in my eye, eyelashes are supposed to stop things from getting into your eyes.

Jinki: How EYEronic.

Kibum: Oh no, shut the bloody hell up-

Jinki: No need to LASH out.

Taemin: Look, someone’s gotta be the weirdest person in any given social group and it might as well be me.

Jinki: [scoffs]

Jonghyun: What are you doing?

Jinki: [tangled in Wii nunchuks] I’m in the middle of my workout session.

Jinki: And remember, never let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to put in, let your heart decide.

Jinki: For example, my heart has decided to use the whole bag.

Jinki: I gained another pound today. But I think it's a pound of knowledge.

Jinki: How do turtles communicate?

Jonghyun: Hmm. I’d assume through sight and feeling. I’m not sure turtles have other methods of direct communication, but-

Jinki: With shell phones.

Taemin: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Jinki: Did you finish your dinner?

Taemin: No.

Jinki: Just one then.

Jinki: Somebody said to me today that I look like I can only eat cool original Doritos and I don’t think I've ever been more offended.

Taemin: If the moon is made of cheese and Saturn is six, how many pancakes could you eat on Mars?

Jinki: Yellow.

Taemin: The correct answer is packing peanuts.

Jinki: Oh I see, because you carry the two and–

Kibum: What is wrong with you people?

Taemin: You’re alright for an old guy.

Jinki: I’m not that old.

Taemin: You keep telling yourself that.

Jinki, standing there as a breeze tussles his hair: The wind... It's speaking to us.

Jonghyun: What's it saying?

Jinki: I don't know, I don't speak wind.

Jinki: I went to get doughnuts for my members, whom I lovingly refer to as 'my boys' and when I placed my order, I told the cashier I was getting doughnuts for 'my boys.'

Jinki: When she asked me how old 'my boys' were, I panicked and told her they were all between 5 and 7.

Minho: Dude, where are you?

Jinki: I'm next to a cloud that looks like a lion.

Minho: Could you be more specific?

Jinki: Simba.

Jinki, checking out a pair of sneakers: “Designed by Little Wayne”

Kibum: No, its Lil.

Jinki: Oh, like Lilian.

Kibum: .. No.

Jinki: My wife is going into labour, what do I do?

Midwife: Is this her first child?

Jinki: No, this is her husband!

Jinki: Hey, I need your help. I'm in danger of leaving everything behind to work as a deckhand on a local lobster fishing boat.

Kibum: Nothing I can say will make that less alluring to you right now.

Jinki, taking a swig from out of a flask: You want some of this?

Minho: Sure.

Minho, takes a sip: Is this soup? What the fuck?

Jinki: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?

Taemin: Yes. And that’s coming from me.

Jinki: You know Orion’s Belt? Waist of space.

Jinki: I know, I know, not a great joke.

Jinki:

Jinki: Three stars.

Jinki: Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old so I'm giving it anyway.

Jinki: *traps a wasp under a cup*

Jinki: *puts two more cups down*

Taemin: Please, no-

Jinki: *starts shuffling the cups*

Jonghyun: People who fall asleep right away freak me out. Don't you bitches have thoughts?

Jinki: [about to fall asleep] No thoughts. Head empty.

Jinki, to PINee: You’re the only motherfucker in this galaxy that understands me.

Jinki: (hums the Jaws theme as he sits down to eat dinner)

Interviewer: Describe your perfect date.

Jinki: That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.

Jinki, sobbing: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Taemin: *standing in the corner of the room, eating a Kit-Kat the wrong way*

Jinki: PLEASE, JUST STOP.

Jinki: Can I get a birthday cake?

Kibum: It's not your birthday.

Jinki: The cake won't know.

[at the eye doctor's]

Jinki: E, H, 4, M, potato shape, coffee mug shape, smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge, and the rest are all smudges.

Kibum: Oh my god, you drove us here!

Jinki: I get ignored so much. My name should be “Terms and Conditions.”

Kibum: If you could shapeshift, don't even deny that you would shapeshift into a subtly hotter version of yourself over time.

Jinki: Um, no, I'd be a kitty.

Jinki: I'm an okay dancer 'til I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

Jinki: Buying yourself chocolates isn't called "indulgence."

Jinki: It's called "Tuesday."

Jinki: I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, in my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Jinki: I’m gonna make a belt out of watches.

Kibum: That sounds like a waste of—— I hate you.

Jinki in 2012 SHINee fics: Chicken won't divorce you. Chicken won't betray you. Chicken won't cheat on you. Chicken won't fight you. Why don't people just marry chicken?

Jinki: One bonus of being the oldest is that I get to grossly misuse modern slang on purpose and watch my members cry inside.

Jinki: A fine example: The other day I pointed at a laptop and, while looking Kibum right in the eye, said, "Man, is that bae or what?"

Jinki: I pretend that I'm all edgy but in reality, I go to bed at 7:30.

Minho: Full offense, hyung, nobody thought you were edgy in the first place.

Jinki: I don’t consider myself hip. I’m shoulder.

Taemin: No, you’re definitely a bum.

Jinki: Just discovered a trick. If you make brownies but don't cut them, you can eat the whole slab and say you only ate 1 brownie.

Jinki: Don't try to tell me that hungry is not an emotion because I feel that shit in my soul.

Kibum: Jinki! Your fly is undone.

Jinki: Ah, the cage may be open, but the beast is asleep.

Jinki: I’m all about that GRIND.

Jinki: G et rest

Jinki: R est

Jinki: I like to rest

Jinki: N ot a fan of not resting

Jinki: D on’t bother me I’m resting

Taemin: Hyung, can I eat on the couch?

Jinki: Sure, as long as you're caref-

Taemin: I spilled my drink.

Jinki: Of course.

Jinki: How loud would it be if all the cats on Earth meowed at once?

Jinki, doing finger guns: Cat-astrophically loud.

Jinki: I don’t get why people think I’m clingy.              

Kibum: So we’re just going to forget about the time you woke me up at 3am because you wanted to make sure we’re still friends?

Jinki: I appear and disappear as I please. It’s part of my charm. I’m like an outside cat.

Jinki: It’s 2020, why hasn’t a bank had a slogan like “it’s common cents” yet?

Jinki: I say we demand change.

Jinki: These puns would surely catch anyone's interest.

Jinki, singing: I can show you the world~

Kibum: I don’t wanna see it.

Jinki, singing sadly: Okay...

Minho: Hyung, do you have any plans for the future?

Jinki: I’ll probably grab the biggest slice and hope you don’t notice.

Minho: The future BEYOND when our pizza arrives.

Jinki: Oooh, deep!

JongKeyMinTae: I-

Jinki: COME HERE MY LITTLE CUTIES LEMME SMOTHER YOU IN SMOOCHIES AND AFFECTION.

Jonghyun: Growing up is a myth. Take Jinki for example.

Taemin: Huh? Jinki hyung's like, an ADULT adult.

Jonghyun: He takes afternoon naps.

Kibum: He wears flip-flops on his days off.

Minho: He still sleeps with a stuffed teddy bear.

Jinki: They spark joy, okay?!

Yoogeun: I need you to check under my bed for monsters.

Jinki: Look, kid, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster it’s gonna eat us both.

Taemin: What if you could blow something up with your mind.

Jinki: That would be pretty mind blowing, wouldn't it?

Minho: Don't worry about him, Taemin. Jinki hyung will be fine. I once saw him fall down 3 flights of stairs, get up and then keep eating his hot dog like nothing happened.

Minho: Lee Jinki, the leader and oldest member of our group, has 51 distinct hugs, and I've taken time to understand the subtle meaning and usage behind all of them.

Jinki, hugging Minho: I love you Minho!

Minho: Number 23, a quick congratulatory hug he does for his members.