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two years ago i had a shamanic healing that i almost didn’t go to because i was sick the whole week leading up to it, i decided to quit smoking cigs a few days before it, and everybody in the building heard my cries bc noise machines couldn’t cover them. (thread tw/cw abuse/rape)
i still had my cigs in my car bc i didn’t know if i would end up quitting for good this time but the whole way home i didn’t reach for them and had no desire to. i had no idea what had happened, just that i tackled a fear of mine and i was okay.
that fear? old men in my space without causing me harm. more fears: addressing what needs to be healed without knowing how to heal it, trusting the process, projection-based confrontation from others, not being seen/heard accurately, or generally understood.
nobody wants to admit when another thing has influence over them probably because of pride or unawareness of situation but i’m autistic and this is a thing i’ve dealt with constantly throughout my life and knowing that was an issue, i can see it more clearly when/if it happens.
mistakes i made: having unrealistic expectations of the healing session aftermath, not communicating to who i was around that i was having the session (bc of other underlying issues like lack of respect for my privacy/being asked questions i don’t know how to answer/etc.),
i’d also consider being in the environment a lot of my abuse occurred a mistake because that didn’t exactly help the flashbacks and the issues i had with my mom (that have been worked on since) were exacerbated and she had to deal with my moving cross country soon too.
even tho i was already mostly out of the house bc of college and was home to go through my sht after i dropped out/was waiting for moving day, i was still sleeping in the same bed i was raped in until i could get out.
it gets fuckin ugly after the initial afterglow period of a healing session like that and you have to keep choosing yourself and your healing. a lot of the progress i made up until that point felt meaningless as shortly after there was a large depression/regression period.
another mistake was getting online and listening to anybody who sounded like they knew what they were talking about. they don’t!!! they’re just good at playing games and acting!!!! i’ve fallen into that hole a lot but y’all ain’t shit.
the session i had two years ago was already after a solid two years of trying to get a handle on my mental health (that was inaccurate af until this year) and healing my body bc i have pcos and hated being on birth control, but also didn’t recognize what i experienced was ptsd
from being around the people who i wasn’t fully aware had raped me lmao. thank god i don’t let that shit define me. and i see now that it was a lot harder for me to let go of pursuing my education because it was another person’s choices that impacted my ability to do so.
all that sht was unfair and as i said to my cousin the other day, “i am only this angry at the gross and cruel injustices of the world” and i mean that. idk when i turned into a comic book character but i’m my own hero now.
that took a weird turn. beneficial things i did following my session: allow myself to feel fully without judgment for it, digging deeper to understand how i really felt, learned & became reiki attuned to be in control of my healing,
weeded out my support system so it only consists of mutually respectful and loving beings who understand me the first time i say something, who ask for clarity if not, bc i’m more than willing to try and find another way to break something down if we all understand it better,
dedicated myself to my life studies rather than the concept of school or a paper degree, let myself die a million times to get back to my core before expanding solely from my heart and even then, invite death in before i’m aware of where it’s needed.
now i’m a reiki master preparing my own courses to offer, further developing my abilities every day, and confident in what i know i’m capable of offering. i love myself and the work i do and how that work reflects my love and care for others.
a slow burn to the biggest fire i’ve ever danced in. all in divine timing. thanks y’all.
