The assortment of Barbies on Amazon is sending me [THREAD]

“My dad is a super racist Texas oil tycoon” Barbie

“My father is a Supreme Court justice who raped a girl in college” Ken

“Do you want to see the most beautiful thing I’ve ever filmed *cries watching camcorder recording of plastic bag blowing in the air*” Ken

“Dad had an extramarital affair and accidentally knocked up his mistress so I look nothing like my sister” Barbie

Cultural appropriation Barbie

“5 pounds from my pre-baby weight” Barbie

“I’m a high-power advertising executive who secretly moonlights as a merman on nights and weekends” Ken

Slightly overweight Hot Topic employee Barbie

“I work at a tech startup” Ken

“Former child actress best known for her role as the adorable daughter on a popular Disney sitcom who is now pursuing an ill-advised career as a pop star and will inevitably end up on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” Barbie

“I played lacrosse at an Ivy League college and got a job in sales and trading at Goldman Sachs through alumni connections” Ken

“The babysitter who is sleeping with your husband” Barbie

“The bartender at the restaurant who’s had sex with all of the waitresses” Ken

“Ma’am you said there was a fire but the house is fine and you answered the door wearing lingerie” Ken

“I walk around in sweatpants carrying a gallon jug of water and go to planet fitness 3 times a day” Ken

“Salad with no dressing or croutons” Barbie

“High school valedictorian who was offered full-ride scholarships to Princeton, Stanford, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Columbia, Brown, Dartmouth and University of Chicago” Ken

“I’ll meet you Friday night and ghost you by Monday” Ken [Jersey Shore Edition]