boys on here will tell you they love you for as long as you live and don't even know that you were the last baby born before the dissolution of the firmament shortening lifespans of all babies born after by millennia and you're 6900 years old and the last of your kind but w/e

boys on here will say they're not scared of you but still pack a silver knife when you go camping together and he was right because you did plan on turning into a monster and eating him but now the whole thing's weird and you gotta break up because he's problematic but w/e

boys on here will be sad their grandma died like you're not a zombie and you won't dig her up if they ask but they don't ask and it's this weird tension that lasts until he breaks up with you for leaving an entire arm in the shower

boys on here love shark week on tv but don't even care about the REAL shark week, where you try to drag as many people to the jaws of sharks as possible in the span of one week

boys on here still claim to be scared of ghosts even though youve been showing up in his nightmares every night for years

boys on here dont even wanna TRY making out with their government-assigned sleep paralysis demon even though you put so much makeup on (you go through a lot of lipstick because you have 27 mouths)

boys on here say "you make me the happiest man alive will you marry me" but then you put the ring on and the inside is covered with garlic because he tried to use your engagement ring to peel garlic somehow and long story short you're down a finger now

boys on here benefit from institutional racism and sexism but get weirded out when you shapeshift to look exactly like them to climb the corporate ladder at another company and don't even wanna make out with their clone a little bit

boys on here say "i want a catgirl girlfriend" but call the cops when you show up with cat ears sewn to your skull and claws sharp enough to slice through stone

boys will say they "love science" but get scared once you get the look in your eye that means you're about to wake up in 24-72 hours behind a dairy queen covered in blood and oil with a new terrifying invention that bends the definition of "possible" on the rampage

boys on here say they think cryptids are cool but get annoyed when you show up blurry in every picture they take

boys on here won't even TOUCH their human flesh casserole, even though you lied and said it was pork like he asked you to do. was it the wink when you said pork? it was probably the wink. why did you wink oh god he's sighing and looking at his phone

boys on here dont even SLIGHTLY get attracted by the idea of a giant lamp even though it brings the tastiest moths to within tongue range

boys on here want big romantic evenings but don't ever want to do the most romantic thing of all: bank robbery

boys on here get angry and confused when you show up and you're a mirror image of them and you both share similar personality traits but your posture is better and over time it turns out you're just a better person than them and you lock them in the basement forever to prove it

boys on here claim to "respect all women" but when you try to mimic the form of every woman in the world at once and turn into a shambling mass of faces they run away screaming

boys on here learn you can shapeshift and ask you to start looking like their ex

boys on here don't understand the meaning of "ra'xrrrax'rhh ggrha'xx x'uraxxh"

boys on here claim to be "woke" but yell at you when you take away their ability to sleep

boys on here will gladly go to thanksgiving at your family's place but then he asks what's for dinner and you start chuckling to yourself and he stops the car and leaves and now you have to go to thanksgiving without a main course

boys on here don't understand the true meaning of pain but when you offer to teach it to them they say maybe later and you keep bringing it up but they keep saying maybe later and it's starting to feel like he doesnt actually want to know the true meaning of pain

boys on here say they like e-girls but hate it when you infect their computer

boys on here say they love mothman but run away when you show up flapping your wings and warning their house is gonna burn down in seven days

boys dont get it when you watch horror movies together and you cry when the monster dies

boys on here claim to be true hardcore gamers but when you give them a copy of polybius for their birthday it melts their brain :(

boys will give you a booty call but when you show up at the door they refuse to actually invite you inside so you just have to kinda stand there all night like an asshole

boys on here seem so happy to see you but then they drop a bag of 2,394,185 grains of rice and when you look up they're gone and the sun is frying your skin

boys on here ask to go hiking with you but dont tell you the trail includes a bridge over running water

boys on here ask you to bite them but get mad when it turns them into a werewolf

boys on here say they want to experiment in the bedroom but get pissy when you strap them to the bed and start putting electrodes in their skull

boys on here say they love to make women laugh but hate it when you're practicing your maniacal laugh in the shower at 3am

boys hate it when you use their hunting knife collection for ritual sacrifice

boys ask for a cool mug for their birthday but get mad when you give them a human face

boys on here try to help you out on crafts night but run screaming when they see you're crocheting with deer intestines

boys on here don't understand when you break up with them because their bones are too weak to turn into an effective skeleton minion