we got a new guy in the shop named John. This is his 1st shop job. He’s heavy handed but i like him, his head is on straight n he’ll be ok. i started calling him Johnny Woodshop n everyone else does too & now his name is Johnny [Insert whatever he’s got going on at that moment]

it was his bday the other day and his friend got him like a $500 knife. super nice fuckin knife n first thing john did literally the next day was try to open a coconut with it. absolutely wrecked its shit. it looked like a serrated blade. we started calling him Johnny Coconuts

he’s been late the last couple days. we start at 9. he’s been rolling in about 9:05-9:10 when we’re all sitting down for our morning shop meeting and today i went “ayyy Ol Johnny 10 O’clock!!! there he is” everyone has been letting him have it all morning

this morning he went to support his gf while she sold her car to some guys from craigslist. they got there and the guys were some rough looking characters and they muscled john into selling the car for $1000 less than his gf wanted. lmao. we’re calling him johnny bluebook

john went back to the suburbs last night to get his tax shit from an old job and he got dinner w some friends. naturally they went to guitar virtuoso Steve Vai’s italian restarant and lounge. i’ll say that again just for fun: steve vai’s italian restarant in naperville illinois

this morning at the meeting he was going on and on about steve vai’s carpaccio and he also ordered mussels. this is funny enough to me. getting mussels at steve vai’s italian restaurant. but he insisted they were good, telling us all he’s gonna take us there

an hour into the day this morning john started shitting his ass off and he had to go home. lmao . we’re giving it to him

connors been calling him Johnny Six String all morning

ok.......

johnny was telling us about valentine’s day and for some reason his gf asked him where she ranked on the 1-10 scale of hotness. (this was a few days after getting his guts poisoned by Steve Vai’s mussels btw, he has been home sick for a few days at this point )

for a reason no one could possibly explain john said to her “you’re a 7 or a 6 on the street but to me you’re a ten”..........

i can’t believe i forgot this story about john: he and his girlfriend moved in chicago from naperville, this was a few months back now, they got a nice apartment somewhere off the red line

a week afterward they were waking up with all these little bug bites, which they immediately thought the worst about. they thought they got bed bugs. john looked like he been electrocuted every morning cos i know wasn’t sleeping, up flipping the mattress over all night going nuts

john is BRUTALLY earnest and honest. good religious kid who addresses everything head on so he is not afraid to be candid about stressful or embarrassing situations he was telling us all about this we were trying to help him figure it out

by his own research he became convinced beyond any doubt that it was carpet beatles not bed bugs. so he was deliberating with us about how to address his landlord

instead of calling them or emailing them when he got home, john gets on the damn work laptop right there in the shop where we all clock in and out and he start writing out like a i don’t even know 2000 word opus in his gmail account

of course i didn’t know it at the time, i saw him standing at the computer for an hour while he was supposed to be rubbbng some wood down. but after work brent, one of our other guys goes to clock out n sees not only john didn’t log out , he left the damn email up on the screen

now if youve never been to a woodshop you wouldn’t understand that to work in one, you have to lack manners and respect of all varieties. it goes without saying that if your boy leaves a email up on a public computer it’s yours to read as much as anyone’s

im at my bench doing something and i see brent over there. he starts reading this shit out loud lmao he’s DYING

brents reading, he’s like a pragraph in at this point: “we haven’t slept in a week” we’re all screaming

“when i’m at work i’m paranoid im feeling phantom bugs.

“i have bug bites ALL over my body, including my genitals”
brent turns around to us and screams “my GENITALS!!!!!!”

lmao. man . we’re calling him johnny bedbugs. brent is grilling his ass “john. why the fuck would you say GENITALS to your landlord” lmaooo

john is always a good sport. laughing at himself. he was like “well in hindsight i have no idea why i said that. i was trying to convey the urgency of the situation” lmao. i love him