"Step off the Triangle"

- one of the best bits of advice I've been given which I consciously remember and exercise on a regular basis.

What is "The Triangle"?

Thread:

The Triangle is a conceptual lens for understanding the dynamics in dysfunctional relationships, or even particular moments of interactions between people.

There are three points which you can find yourself occupying.

The Victim.

This person/group feels (rightly or wrongly) that they have been oppressed/attacked/marginalised by

The Oppressor.

This person/group has (in substance or perception) hurt the Victim.

The third point on the Triangle is occupied by

The Hero.

Also called the Saviour, the Rescuer.

This person/group defends the Victim from the Oppressor/Bully.

So far it seems simple enough - we want to be Heroes, right?

No. To be the Hero is to remain on the Triangle.

We want to step off of the Triangle.

The Triangle is a triangle only because it has three points but it's not a fixed state. It's more like a compass which always points north wherever you are on your hike; the positions on the Triangle can and do shift fluidly.

Here's an example.

The Left claims that they have been Victimised by the Right.

Left = Victim
Right = Opressor

The Media act as Heroes to condemn the Right and seek justice.

This makes the Right feel victimised.

Right = Victim
Media = Oppressor

This is a limited example.
Play it out with other situations such as military conflicts.

Dictator = Oppressor
People = Victims

Our Military = Heroes

Dictator (eventually) taken out.
Military enforce order.

Victims = People
Oppressor = Our Military
Heroes = Insurgents?

There's something else that can happen though.

Heroes can fail.

Failing victims can place the Hero in oppressor status as well, as rather than rescuing they make have either harmed or been perceived to have harmed the Victims.

Another aspect is that not all Victims know they are Victims.

Try intervening in an abusive relationship and there's a risk that the Victim will view you as Oppressor rather than Hero because the Oppressor seems like a Hero.

And the Oppressor (abusive partner) feels like a Victim who needs rescuing/defending from the Hero (you) by the Victim - placing you as oppressor, the abuser as victim and the abused as hero.

One of the key principles it's easy to overlook here is that these positions on the Triangle are not objective realities but are perceived and relational realities.

With prior example if you hold to objective standpoint and find yourself placed in the other roles...

... then you may feel victimised for playing the victim and all the points have shifted again. Perhaps even simultaneously.

(Hint: Left and Right simultaneously occupy each of the positions).

The solution?

Step off the Triangle.

Refuse to allow yourself to be a victim. Likewise don't take the bait and enable another to perceive you as an oppressor.

And the killer, resist assuming the mantle of Hero.

This works with politics on Twitter.
This works with office or work drama or with family dynamics.

It also helps you understand a lot of advertising campaigns

So when you notice the stage is set for the Drama Triangle do the wise thing and remember this advice:

Step off the Triangle.