woulda been nice to grow up in a church where anger was an acceptable emotion

there's a group of men that for various reasons have learned to be extra empathetic
AND
grew up in a church community that represses anger/frustration/resentment

(a common reason for learning the extra emotional awareness is to get-by in disorganized and troubled families)

anyways, so these men will 1. have the general toxic masculinity struggles of few examples of holding ones emotions, expressing them in healthy ways, of speaking up and negotiating with others to get their needs met, and

And 2. often be seeking refuge in church culture where they sing or pray or study away the anger and rage and hurt they feel. they're supposed to "make peace". they're supposed to "find rest" with jesus

well,,,, those things two combine to leave them meeting the needs of others, and lost when they need their own needs met, esp wrt disappointment, frustration, resentment, and anger

When people are neglectful towards them (even unawares) these men can't hear their own resentment and frustration and disappointment so well, the signals that there's a problem

they won't really speak up bc, again, they're busy caring for others', they're trained to be out-of-touch with their emotions, and they're trained to put others' first, even when people aren't taking responsibility for their actions

eventually yes, they'll speak up, but it'll often be a *really big deal*. it'll be intense. people will be *really surprised* there was so much resentment stewing.

And they're rightly surprised because there probably weren't obvious signs of the building pain and sadness (but also at fault for not paying attention and checking-in)

discussions might happen, but they're too big about and too much to really transform the situation, it ought to be smaller, more frequent discussions

it's overwhelming for everyone, they all try to quickly restore the peace and the cycle continues

I bring this up because it's been the topic of many convos with dear friends about dealing with family during thanksgiving. fam is rude, is unawares, friend doesn't speak up, cycle continues

And it's been a present struggle for me in professional things, and how it manifests for me is a big ugly migraine (booo )

So what does a person do? how do they connect with themselves and hear those emotions as they happen instead of when they've built up and erupt?

one excellent thing to practice is **complaining**

won't really be natural to anyone from this background

it might feel really weird and wrong at first
you might worry you're complaining or blaming "too much"
(trust me, it'll feel too much, but at first you're probably making the complaint-equivalent of a whisper)

practice complaining about things, complain with trusted friends
learn how to complain a little or a lot
loudly or softly
directly or in veiled language

practice how to make your frustration, disappointment, resentment, anger heard

practice how to hear other people express the same (it'll help you too)

sidenote: figuring out how express all of your emotions in healthy ways will improve all of your relationships, because more of you will be there

you'll find yourself feeling closer to your favorite people

More things to attune to your emotions:
anything that gets you more connected to your body - movement, hiking, meditation, breathing, dance, noticing textures, sitting outside, sensual experiences

more thought-based things like little check-ins, even asking yourself "how does this feel" from time to time
maybe even journaling about "how did I feel about ____"

Also, study up on setting healthy boundaries. look for twitter threads about this stuff, blog posts, books, podcasts

One strange effect of hearing yourself more and communicating about it more: you'll likely have bouts of intense "selfishness" shame

totally to be expected when you've spent your entire life putting on everyone else's oxygen masks first

and the shame might also come with fear

fear that things will blow up because you're effectively "lowering your guard" a bit by not attuning solely to everyone else

that's really real, it's overwhelming
and the sort of thing to share with your trusted people (and therapist if you have one)

don't expect people to perfectly understand perhaps, just let them know you're having a hard time and need general support

Important way to heal the toxic masculinity part of this situation: open up about this struggle with other men

share about it briefly with trusted friends - at a high level, a lot like how now you might tell an old friend more details about your family life back in high school

opening up to other men about these emotional struggles is a great antidote not just for this specific thing, but for other things like isolation and loneliness

One terrible effect of the churchy patriarchal fixation on women as the source of all goodness is that men don't get enough support from other men, not enough nurturing

men might "provide" for other men, by being leaders and "inspiring" each other and motivating each other, but they rarely rarely rarely nurture each other

and that (a general feature of the patriarchy) leaves men of the hyper-sensitivity-empathy-for-survival group all left alone

these men fall into the nurturer category

and people assume they are doing just. fine.

(spoiler: they're usually not)

anyways, my specific experience with being a cis-het man in a christian setting isn't that universal since I was raised Mormon (it's a low-key cult)

for more general christian advice and support, you can find a lot of excellent #exvangelical people here on twitter and all around the internet

I follow @jamieleefinch, @hannahpaasch, and have listened to many episodes of @AiringGrief

one last thing to wrap up: unfortunately for men in this situation (as mentioned at top of thread), there are very very few male role models out there

it's rare to see in movies/tv men expressing their full emotions, especially anger, in healthy ways

(try to think of tv scene where a furious man was communicating really well with anyone, where the argument and/or conversation was healthy)

I've found the most knowledge from excellent writers, like @BreneBrown, @hhavrilesky, Ursula Le Guin, @jamieleefinch, David Schnarch, @hannahpaasch

you might notice that it's only one man in my fav list.

ya, there are men are out there writing bout this stuff but it usually heavily gendered (e.g. "tactical breathing")

whereas those women just write for all humans