Went on a couple of dates with someone. Not seeing them anymore. And that’s fine.

I have some thoughts on dating after domestic abuse.

So much of it is listening for the things your ex might say to their dates.

It’s exhausting but necessary.

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I’ll start w a big one, an easy one, but still a flag that might be naively forgiven:

“If she’d cheated on me, well. I’m not normally one to talk about murder, but I might. Her, the other person, both, I don’t know.”

Infidelity is devastating. Homocide isn’t an okay response.

“When you’re in a relationship, there is no ‘your money’ and ‘my money.’ Its all both of your money, and you decide together what to do with what’s left over after you pay the bills.”

Seeing financial autonomy as wrong, selfish, or a sign of a lack of love/commitment = red flag.

“We had a good marriage. We were happy. She just decided to give up on us.”

Big one, and easy to miss: Someone who’s abused & disrespected their spouse, someone who never saw a need to respond to relationship problems - they will often say their marriage ended for no reason.

The “she left for no reason” people will describe their spouse in condescending, dismissive ways. They’ll call her immature, mentally ill, and often cite OUTSIDE INFLUENCES as being what “led her astray.” They don’t see their partner as a peer able to form rational motivations.

“I’m a reasonable person, but if someone pushes me, I do have a temper.”

A lot of people have a temper. The key here is the “if I’m pushed” part. It indicates they believe there’s a point where the actions of others make them no longer responsible for their reaction.

Your absolute best indicator of whether this is a potential abuser is whether you feel comfortable contradicting them or telling them no.

And do you find yourself really hoping things work out because you’re scared of being the one to tell them you don’t want to see them again?

A lot of abusers will make you feel indebted or obligated to them after only a couple of interactions.

A friend has met men on dating site who want to know IN THEIR FIRST CONVERSATION that she isn’t talking with any other men.

If interaction = commitment, red flag.

I’ve never in my life regretted walking away from a dating situation that had begun to make me uneasy. I’ve put it off, I’ve rationalized it, I’ve avoided it - but I’m always relieved when the bandaid has been ripped. My gut knows what’s up.

A signal I’ve noticed in myself the situation is bad? When I begin to think in terms of scarcity, like I need to be more positive and really work on it with this one because there just aren’t that many single people out there... No. You must keep an abundance mindset.

Another red flag - If I find myself devaluing myself TO MYSELF to justify the match. My codependent brain fights the idea that I’m ever “too good” for someone, so it goes poetic and reframes and mega-highlights their good while gently reminding me of all my bad.

This person you’re dating... Are you afraid of them? Even a little?

Do they seem like a generally unhappy & angry person?

How do they treat the women they don’t like?

Are there things about them you hide from your friends because your friends would tell you to get out?

It never gets easier to leave. Never. Delaying it only numbs your healthy reactions and builds in your mind a deeper sense of sunk cost and obligation.

It’s not going to get easier to leave.
It’s not going to get easier to leave.
It’s not going to get easier to leave.