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A short story thread about love, for anyone feeling a bit hopeless about it all because maybe your heart got broken, or maybe you've never been in love, and you're wondering about your ability to love or be loved.
Before I met my husband Rob, I always thought I would be terrible at love. Couldn't commit, got scared of dealing with other people's mess and them being scared by mine. But then I met Rob, and everything changed.
I loved him more than I have ever loved another person. But it was also the most challenging relationship given that he had chronic depression and struggled with addiction. At the worst of it, I remember thinking my god, I didn't even know I had the capacity to love like this.
When Rob died by suicide, there are few words to adequately describe what that did to me. What it felt like. But I remember thinking afterwards, when I was out of the grief, what if I never love again? What if that was it, and that used up all the love I ever was capable of?
I thought about the relationships before Rob, and then I realised I was looking in the wrong place for the answer. We compartmentalise our ideas of love, eg friends, family romantic. But there is HUGE transference between the two.
When I think about my 5-year-old niece, my heart immediately swells to the size of a hot air balloon - the love is limitless. There are no lengths I wouldn't go to for her, what I would do to protect her. That means I am STILL capable of huge amounts of love.
I don't think soulmates exist. I think that love is huge and flowing and isn't a fixed thing. I think if you love in other areas of your life, even if it hasn't worked out for you romantically, you are still a whole, wonderful person capable of so much love.
It might not feel like that as you're searching. Or as you are trying to hold your broken heart, and the grief of it makes it collapse over and over again. But there is so much to be said for knowing the capacity and immensity of how much you can love, and will do again.
