Anyone who has ever been in abusive relationship or marriage between a narcissist and a codependent person will immediately recognize the dynamic and relate to the now public divorce era conversations between Onision and his ex wife.

A master class on narcissists:

So you meet a new person. He’s outgoing, gregarious, probably charming.

He notices you.

Wow this is exciting. He seems to know exactly how you like to be validated and praised. This is fun. You feel special. Chosen. Wow.

Time goes on. You really give this relationship your all. Maybe he proposes. Wow, his friends are shocked he was always such a player. You’re special. Chosen.

Time goes on. Real life occurs. You move in together. He wants you close. Sometimes he is a bit harsh. Maybe about what you eat. You’re on your period and don’t want to go out, you used to be more fun you know. After he says something mean he’s sorry. Maybe you get flowers.

Your still special most of the time, but he starts caring about your clothes. Maybe your weight. He’s just encouraging you. You have gained like 10 lbs. He notices because he cares.

It’s been a few months. Your neediness isn’t sexy. When you got sick and neglected him, that wasn’t a turn on. In fact, you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain. He didn’t sign up for this. You should be better. Those special feelings come less often. He goes out alone.

Now you’re a bitch. In fact a weak whining bitch. Other girls aren’t like that. Now we enter aggressive gaslighting territory. If you didn’t do X, it wouldn’t be like this. You’ve let him down. You’re afraid to talk to your family about it, they might say I told you so.

So you try to leave. Or you beg them to leave. You aren’t fun now. Now the pleasure is in manipulating you. Surely they’ll feel compassion, you’re a NICE PERSON.

Sure, some days you’re the best thing that ever happened. They’re sorry it’s all their fault.

The next day they’re glad you left and in fact life is better now with a thinner, better girlfriend. They never loved you.

Except over the weekend they remember your special song. You’re an angel. Come home just forgive me.

Here is the key.

They feel nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

This is a game. You cannot win you can only disengage.
Mirror them. Feel nothing. Ignore. Move. Ice them completely.

You will never be right.
They will never concede.
You will never convince them to be better.

And that’s ok once you accept it.

“You’re a bitch.”
SAY NOTHING
“I love you.”
SAY NOTHING.
“You did this to me.”
You guessed it.... SAY. NOTHING.

It will be ok eventually. They will stop playing because you aren’t meeting their needs. You aren’t fun. You aren’t even playing.

The game is over now.
You’re free.

Anything they do that causes you to react or engage is a win.

If you think you’ve made some devastating point or won an argument.... you’ve lost. If they’re crying and asking you to come home.... you have lost.

They feel nothing.
The win is manipulating you. It’s fun. So stop.

The last time my ex ever heard my voice:
We had been divorced a year.
My phone rang at 3:00 am. Half asleep I answered without looking.

“Hi. Lu?”
“What?”
“I want you to know I have a new gf and she is the thin version of you.

I laughed. And laughed. Like a real genuine laugh.

The line went dead.
Narcissists read you better than anyone.
My laugh was pure mocking lack of care. I didn’t say “I’m engaged to X and happy.” I didn’t get mad. I didn’t even speak.

I just honestly *didn’t care*.
We’ve never spoken again.

Things that happened in my marriage:
-I had a miscarriage. My ex thought I was sad too long. After less than 24 hours my ex walked into the dark room where I was in bed, sighed heavily, and said “maybe you just need to bleed some more.”

-my ex pulled my dress up to expose me to the staff at Costco for a laugh and to humiliate me. When I was angry and humiliated? “You don’t know how to have fun anymore.”

I am a strong woman. Gaslighting and keeping me from my own support system turned me into the wife of THAT.

YOU CAN LEAVE.
Once you’re gone, stay gone.
It won’t feel like this anymore on the other side of the bubble.

And lastly, there will be threats.
You will live with that.
My ex once texted me naked pictures of myself to remind me they exist and can be shared anytime.
I live with that.
Know what I said?
So. Be. It.
Worst case scenario the whole world learns I had a rocking body at 20.