Live tweeting my Thanksgiving begins in 3...2...1...

At McDonald's to get a hamburger for the meat, a side salad, and a tea for the caffeine (not sweet).

Me: How much is the double hamburger versus the single hamburger?

Drive Thru Person: *snotty voice* The prices should be on the menu.

Me: I'll just go somewhere else, thanks.

At Sonic, for just a tea, not sweet.

Get out into traffic and take a sip.

SWEET tea.

Now to Walmart, where, not to be melodramatic, I will presumably be murdered

I'm walking into Walmart with $100 in my bra. Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuuummmmmble.

Will the Walmart cart corralling guy push me into the store on his cart train so I can announce, "I'm pulling a train," and why is he crying now?

Why am I buying Christmas decorations and not Thanksgiving meal ingredients?

Shut up and eat this ornament.

So help me, if anyone takes my empty buggy that I had to leave outside the bathroom because I didn't heed my parents' advice to go before leaving the house, it's over.

STOP rearranging WALMART.

Deer feeders are $6.97 at Walmart all saran wrapped up til Black Friday, and I want to buy them all now so no hunters can have them. Bambi's-mother-killing-bastards.

Now let me just ring up all my own purchases, since I clearly work at Walmart now.

Next stop: Dollar General for toilet paper. Why is the same toilet paper cheaper at Dollar General than at Walmart, AND Dollar General does not have self checkout?

Just spotted a client off in the distance and executed a precision about face, the likes of which I have not performed since I was in marching band 30 years ago, AND I DID IT WHILE PUSHING A SHOPPING CART. Somewhere Mr. Fort and Mr. Stokes are proud and don't know why.

Dear Gas Stations,

If I can't "do my business" in your bathroom, I won't do business with you at all.

It's potty and pump gas or nothing.

And yes, I was just in the bathroom at Walmart but could not go because I was worried about my unattended shopping cart, if you must know.

*gasping in joy*

Look at him. I WANT him.

*whispering under my breath*

But I'm not paying $10 at Dollar General for a tiny Timon from The Lion King.

Me: Come on. Please say those words I love!

Christmas Tree Box: PRE-LIT

Me: Yeeeessss!

I'm almost out of money in my bra. I have to go home and get more money.

I want, nay, NEED, an organizer for my mops, brooms, shovels, etc., right now or this holiday will be ruined.

No! YOU'RE getting sidetracked in YOUR Thanksgiving prep to avoid thinking about traumatic old memories.

I just made friends with a Golden Retriever.

My New Year's resolution will be "less people, more animals."

A little boy in Aldi grocery store just held up a giant thing of yarn and shouted, "make it make sense!"

And, honestly, I want to tell him about when they had chainsaws on sale here, but I don't want to blow his fragile mind.

I got me some apple butter. Everything is going to be OKAY!

A man in a tshirt with a horseshoe & "LUCKY" on it just walked into the store happily be-bop vocalizing, picked up an item, said, cheerfully, "that's awful much for that - I don't need it," then put the item back, went "hah," like James Brown, & soft shoe danced down the aisle.

Found a nickel. Perhaps that I dropped. Either way. It's my nickel now. Or maybe still.

I need two more sauces and a nap.

I'm afraid if I go to Lowes today that I'll kill someone.

The Golden Retriever I met in the Dollar General parking lot (riding in a truck) is outside Aldi in the truck. I stopped to pet and hug him.

Happy Dogsgiving!

There's another $100 in my bra. Gonna finish this Thanksgiving shopping strong. Heading back out.

If wearing knee length basketball shorts over mismatched sweatpants while also wearing a Davy Crockett hat is wrong, this guy in the grocery store doesn't want to be right.

Don'tcha wish your Thanksgiving was lit like mine? Don'tcha?

Low-key thinking about starting a rumor that Church's is coming out with a turkey sandwich even better than the chicken sandwich.

Kroger. Thoughts and prayers. They better have my sauces.

An older man was angry (justifiably so) about something in the store, and I chimed in supporting him. His wife gave me a "do not wind him up" look. I'm sorry, MeeMaw, but Tammy Wynette taught ME to stand by my man. I got your back PeePaw.

"I'll move my car if they want, but if I do, I'm taking my business elsewhere."

~ PeePaw

"Don't move it. Those pick up service spots should be in the back of the lot. You ARE picking up groceries~just doing it yourself."

~ Me

*glare* "I told you not to park there."

~MeeMaw

Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil is ON SALE for $11.00.

That's ELEVEN U.S. DOLLARS.

PeePaw in orange. MeeMaw in animal print. No word on if he moved the car. But he's still shopping.

I'm not paying that much for bacon.

Yes.

I am.

There's really only one thing I *wink wink* need a man around for.

When I need air added to my tire.

I hate getting down there to add the air myself.

All "crouching driver, holding air hose".

As God is my witness, I will get these hoes in line.

~ me, heading to Lowes to buy a holder for long handled tools like hoes, shovels, and brooms.

One hour and 9 minutes until I can pick up my daughter from work. I can make it. Fuck off, holiday funk.

I have bogged down in the car outside Lowes. Why are so many people here?

Does anyone need some Thanksgiving conduit while I'm at Lowes?

Thanksgiving is saved.

Black Friday is saved.

It's spelled LOWE'S with an apostrophe. Thanksgiving is RUINED AGAIN.

~Begin Rant~

Lowe's does not have enough conveniently located cart return corrals. I had to trek.

~End Rant~

As many people as are at the mall, you'd think they sell groceries here. Go home and make me pies!

Back to PeePaw from Kroger's.

I finally placed who he looked like: Jon Voight!

Here is a gif of Jon Voight in orange just like PeePaw had on earlier.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Tikka Masala with vegetarian meatballs and zucchini as noodles and the Thanksgiving episode of Bob's Burgers for dinner before getting into Thanksgiving prep for tomorrow.

Is 6:00 p.m. too early to go to bed on Thanksgiving eve and sleep until tomorrow?

I made it to 7:24. Holidays can be hard. Much love to you all. The live tweeting resumes in the morning.

Why am I up so early? Oh yeah, because I got in bed at 7:24 last night. Didn't fall asleep right away but still.

First nap of the day at 6:00 a.m. because I rock.

Ok, for real this time. First nap at 6:42 a.m.

Update: some dumbass pissed me off, and I had to tweet.

Now I have to get up and take some medicine. Why do mildly inconvenient things happen to amazing people?

TBH, this holiday is borderline emotionally kicking my ass. Send food pics.

SEND FUDES!

Today will I put on:

So help me. If you people let me miss the annual WKRP live turkey drop, you're dead to me.

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

~ Mr. Carlson

The true story behind the WKRP TURKEY DROP episode.

There is so very much Thanksgiving prep to do, so now seems like a good time to watch the entire Imagineering documentary on Disney+.

Look, Space Mountain!

So far today, I've made toast with apple butter.

Dinner may be...

SLIGHTLY DELAYED.

Here, have a cupcake.

Some days you're the jive.
Some days you're the turkey.

Today, I'm not just thankful for my animals. I'm also thankful for your animals. Happy Petsgiving!

The war on Thanksgiving has been brutal here. How about there?

Turkey and ham cooking up in the oven. Side dishes going.

Side pieces home crying.

Ahh, Twitter Thanksgiving!

Me: Let me take this Thanksgiving selfie for Twitter, then we can eat.

21 y.o. Daughter: Do you need a hairbrush?

Me: No.

Daughter: YES, you DO.

So far, the poll results are accurate: facade of joy only. https://twitter.com/serendipitydon1/status/1200047890477076480?s=19

Thanksgiving dinner.

Yes, that's a skull as the letter O on the WELCOME sign.

No, it's not left over from Halloween. That's our year round welcome sign.

NO, you're googling dental dams with your 22 y.o. son on Thanksgiving. Because you both know what they are in theory but not exactly how they work.

THEY'RE WEIRD LOOKING BY THE WAY.

I'm not sure this is how they're used.

And now that Thanksgiving dinner has been eaten, it's Christmas.

Thank you so much for spending Thanksgiving with me. Tune in for my Christmas live tweet starting 12/24.

Found the tree skirt. And that's as decorated as it's gonna get this year.