Fuck it it’s late and I don’t really want many ppl knowing this anyway. A Sobriety Thread

so I had 90 days sober from meth on saturday. I went to AA, got my chip, and when they asked “how did you do that?” I was brutally honest for once. i’ve been white-knuckling the FUCK out of my sobriety. i’ve been a dry meth addict. I don’t have a sponsor and I didn’t go to rehab.

I had come to the conclusion that I actually need to start bucking up and addressing why I am an addict instead of ignoring it and trying my best to abstain. I’ve been sober for no reason other than to say i’m sober. I haven’t discovered my defects of character that have led me 2

this point. Anyway, saturday, 90 days. I got several ppls #’s after the meeting (I basically begged for a sponsor). I then went to my friends house and there was alcohol involved. I’m also coming to terms with the fact that I have a drinking problem too. I don’t drink often but

whenever I do I binge drink and black out and this was no exception; the next morning I had conversations that I don’t recall happening. I ended up in council bluffs with my ex who introduced me to the drug, and unfortunately that night, on my 90 days, I did relapse.

BUT. the craziest thing happened. I did NOT enjoy it. It’s possible that I might have taken my old dose or just did too much or whatever but I had a miserable time. The high wasnt how i remembered it. my only thought for 2 days straight was how badly I wished I was sober.

I’ve romanticized the fuck out of my addiction and I’ve romanticized the fuck out of my drug of choice, to the point where it isn’t even a real drug. I thought it was my savior. I reasoned that it made me skinny and funny and more confident and people like me more when i’m using-

but the reality is it kills me. It makes me awkward and stupid and to anyone that knows me, i’m clearly on drugs. My sister knew the second I came home that I had relapsed. I can’t rely on my family’s ignorance anymore. I was cripplingly anxious for two days straight.

It sounds insane but this relapse was the best thing that’s happened thus far in my sobriety. And, it wasn’t detrimental to my sobriety. It reiterated what I already knew deep down but was too ashamed to admit. I can no longer numb myself the way I want to.

I have to raw dog reality because I have a substance abuse problem. It started when I was 16 and started smoking weed and huffing air duster. I do not have the self control it takes to not binge. My mental illness has been extremely exacerbated by my substance abuse.

Sometimes I hate that I share so much of myself online, and I know that there are many people who see what I post and judge because not only did I become a meth addict, I admitted it publicly. I don’t exactly know why I do that. But i’m glad because it keeps me accountable.

I’ve also had a good handful of people that have reached out to me privately with their own struggles with drug abuse. Addiction is not fucking fun. it sucks the life out of you. Maintaining a web of lies and killing ur body and mind.. damn. We all like to numb ourselves.

Idk exactly where this thread is going anymore I just wanted to share my life like I always do. Its okay to struggle and slip. Relapsing doesn’t always have to be detrimental. By relapsing, i realized that this drug no longer holds the power that it used to hold over me.

Ur dealing with something that’s rewired ur brain to compulsively use. Doing that all by urself is extremely difficult. I got to 90 days completely by myself. That’s... literally insane. I cannot continue trying to do this by myself and that’s ok!!!!! I love you all very dearly.