Forgiving someone who isn’t remorseful for the trauma they put you through takes an immense amount of strength and grace and although it’s not fair, it must be done so you can heal and move on

My sister and I were talking about how our mother never apologized for anything and she said “it’s not fair, she’s not being held accountable for her actions” and she’s right - it’s not fair, but she will be held accountable

Growing up my mother always favored my brothers, she made it clear that my sister and I were not her favorites, we spent most of our childhood trying to earn my mother’s affection and no matter what we did we couldn’t seem to pay the price

We were always on the heavier side and my mother never let us forget it, mostly because she projected her own insecurities onto us (she was heavier as well) and she made us feel like she was ashamed of us, though she never said it directly

I hated her for how she made me feel and I thought if I told her that she would see what she was doing and change but no matter how many times I cried and pleaded with her she never changed and never understood how her actions hurt me

I spent years carrying around this shame and guilt like there was something wrong with me because I didn’t fit into this mold my mother had in mind for me, it took me over a year of therapy and moving half way across the country to allow myself to heal and let go of the hate

Now that I’ve grown up and lost weight my mother wants a relationship with me and I no longer feel the desire to be her friend, I will always love and respect her as my mother but that is where it ends

I do not harbor any resentment or ill will towards her, I have healed and moved on and I believe I am a better person because of it. Not allowing my mother to get close is my way of holding her accountable

I am not using this as a punishment but as a way to protect myself from ever feeling like I’m not good enough for someone else’s idea of who I should be

Anyway, just feels good to get that off my chest and remind myself that just because someone is family doesn’t mean you have to put up with their shit