Something I hear A LOT about in regard to long-term partnerships is passion.

Without passion, there is no romance! You must maintain passion as the years go on!! Don't lose the spark!!!

Now passion is fine, but in my experience, the more important thing is this: Play.

(1/x)

We have the HOTS for passion. There's a cultural obsession around the idea of falling for someone and losing yourself to love. We dread the idea of "the spark" going out, and consider a relationship without passion to be as good as dead. Without it, what's the point? (2/x)

Of course there are also conversations around the danger of this (literal crimes of passion, etc)! When people are googly-eyed in new relationships and lose perspective, we ask them to consider what stability there is when the passion goes. Love can't pay the bills, etc. (3/x)

But holy shit, do we still use it as an excuse for abhorrent behavior. Smash the plates! Scream at each other then KISS! It's hot dangerous passion!!

No hate on hate sex, but the idea of it stresses me out a little. Is it communication? Does it solve long standing issues?

(4/x)

I'm passionate about a lot of things with my partner: our shared love of art, our shared and conflicting opinions on literally everything, the way they are so good to BITE. My enthusiasm for their existence TINGLES.

And that is fostered a lot more from play than passion.

(5/x)

From what I've been told about folks who crave The Passion, it is usually found at the start of relationships. When the mundane sets in (shared phone plans, farting in front of each other) something about it tends to go away, and action needs to be taken to inspire it back. (6/x)

Now I'd be pretty cool with this, except I ALSO hear that a lot of people feel like taking steps to bring back the passion can actually be...detrimental to passion? That is, if it feels forced, it doesn't spark the same. And that sounds really sad and scary to me!! (7/x)

Let's counter this with play.

Playing is a choice and an attitude, a series of understandings and shared jokes that can be incorporated into the mundane. My wife only needs to be a 'laundry turtle' once for me to put the basket on their back every time we do that chore. (8/x)

Play isn't something you can run out of--there are always more opportunities to find joy in someone. And learning what makes someone laugh tells you a LOT about them. It breaks down barriers, and makes the frightening stuff feel a lot less serious sometimes. (9/x)

Having play in your relationships also provides a distinct space to honor conflict as it arises. It makes it harder to misinterpret when something is or isn't a big deal.

It can also offer tension-breaking language: "I am too upset to even laundry turtle :("

(10/x)

Play laughs in the phase of awkwardness! An ugly noise during sex isn't cause for the mood to be destroyed--it's something to laugh about. Bodies are sacred, but they are also very funny. Play recognizes this, and REVELS in it. It brings people closer, without judgment. (11/x)

I want to stress that I'm not at all shitting on eye-gazing and deep, heavy conversations. My partner and I have a lot of those, and I value them so much! But I'd love to re-frame the language around The Spark, and consider what kind of actions we take to maintain it. (12/x)

Passion is exciting! I love the moments that come in my relationship where I can absolutely lose myself in that wild euphoric rush.

But play is there for me every day. It's a conscious effort, nurtured by me and my partner, to love each other at our silliest. It's FUN! (13/x)

If you're feeling like something is missing in your partnership, it might be worth it to check in on the last time you really played together. The last time you stepped back from this frightening world and laughed together and just had a Good Time. You both deserve it! (14/14)

(Also this tweet thread is brought to you by my arospec ass not being totally sure if I can even conceptualize Romantic Passion as opposed to lust so like take that as you will.)