Some random thoughts about sex and queer identity. Heads up for some...biphobia? Queer judgement? Idk, shitty opinions from a queer person incoming....

I think our culture is very obsessed with PIV sex (especially straight sex, of course, but not just in those instances) but I have occasionally faced a kind of opposite obsession when pursuing queer sex.

After moving to Portland, I and a female friend had sex, during which she used a vibrator on me. Later after we were done, she remarked that I really seemed to enjoy it and asked if I was certain I was into women. This floored me for a lot of reasons.

1) We (two women) had just finished having sex. There had been a ton of flirting before that. How was she not certain?
2) It implied that enjoying the act of "insertion" (her word) when being a cis woman lessens one's queer identity.

(As a side note, this person and I are no longer friends for this and many other reasons including her casual fat shaming and her relentless mocking of how loud I was during sex)

Anyway, my point is I think we all need (collectively big world we) need to stop defining queer or straight sex as what genitals interact with what genitals or genital shaped objects.

I define queer sex as being sex I have with a person who identifies as queer and that includes a hot lady with a strap on or vibrator. I am not less straight for enjoying it nor would anyone else be and I wish that kind of subtle queer judgement wasn't a thing.

I've been trying to sort out my feelings about that encounter for a long ass time. I truly thing it contributed to a lot of my fears around not being "queer enough" and also why I didn't feel comfortable calling myself bisexual until only a couple of years ago.

Damn. This is actually bringing me to an interesting realization. You know how we (well, cool peeps anyway) can acknowledge a relations is still queer even if it "appears" straight? Like a pansexual man with a bisexual woman or something? Well, that applies to sex too!

If I, a bisexual woman, am always bisexual than even when I have sex with the straightest cis man that ever man'ed, I'm no less queer and than means we're engaging in queer sex.

Why is this such a relief to realize and WHY is this SUCH a REVELATION to me at all?! Omg