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Yesterday I had a mental breakdown and ended up travelling 300 miles to stay with family because I realised I was struggling to look after myself, so here's a rambly thread about being freelance, success, and self-worth. Also anxiety, executive dysfunction, and boundaries. [1/12]
On Sunday I retweeted a post by @youngvulgarian, about how her "professional and personal lives have always been so deeply melted into each other" that she genuinely couldn't say how many hours a week she works. It's a tweet that I really relate to. [2/12]
I work in comedy, like my partner and a lot of my friends. As a freelancer and someone who runs their own events, I never truly feel like I'm off the clock. I know that I should take breaks or time off, but even if I do my anxiety means I'm thinking about emails/sales/etc. [3/12]
This is presumably a more common problem as more and more people are self-employed. Boundaries between personal + professional are increasingly blurred/non-existent. Wellbeing and self-worth is increasingly tied up with both the perceived and financial success of projects. [4/12]
It's exhausting how @ARGComFest and other projects exist on a purely commercial basis and their success is so intrinsically linked to my self-worth. If they make a loss, it feels like a massive failure — plus I have to offset it with other income. [5/12]
I throw every ounce of myself into them to make them a success, sometimes burn out, & struggle to discuss or acknowledge flaws/losses as they make me feel like I'm bad at what I do, which is my entire life. Similarly, if I struggle to get enough work it feels like failure. [6/12]
Throughout this year, I've been struggling and worrying a lot about work/money which directly caused a further decline in my mental health — which in turn made it harder for me to work / seek out work. The combo of severe anxiety and executive dysfunction is a wild ride! [7/12]
It's also been difficult for me to discuss this with people: my increasing anxiety leads to me talking less / seeing friends less, so it feels especially unfair to expect them to deal with that emotional labour! So the decline led to me being increasingly isolated/distant. [8/12]
Over the last week this really came to a head and yesterday I realised wasn't eating or sleeping properly. I managed to vent to my excellent big sis @charlottelowey who convinced me to go to Nottingham and figured out my train ticket — so I'm with family, on the mend! 
[9/12]
[9/12]
I don't really have a big ending/conclusion, other than a) in this precarious age of more freelancers + less stable/secure work, those personal/professional work-life boundaries are increasingly blurred for everyone and this is something we need to discuss & address; [10/12]
b) everyone needs support, that definitely isn't something to be ashamed of and doesn't make you less independent; c) if for some mad reason this thread made you want to give me work, I'm phenomenal at what I do — event production/management/tech: http://pax.bio ; [11/12]
and finally, d) if you're a secret millionaire, gizza quid: http://paypal.me/pxlwy [12/12]
