I’ve been thinking about this guy who has been absolute trash to many of my friends in the gun violence prevention movement for years. Whenever someone finally gets tired of his trash, she’ll ask something like “wtf? Why do we all let him get away with that?” 1

I've been thinking a lot about that question. Here's my answer: men in progressive advocacy circles are held to the saddest insultingly low standards. By virtue of not identifying as a conservative who thinks women should be barefoot/pregnant, they fly under the Bullshit radar 2

Our bar is just so damn low that a guy who seems to really care about an issue that’s important to us can clear it. Until he can’t. Until the sexist/racist/anti-Semitic microaggressions here and there come so fast and close that you can’t help but stop explaining them away. 3

This doesn’t mean that many men don’t wildly exceed expectations and do amazing things, so please don’t @ me on that. This tweet isn’t about great men. It’s about mediocre (at best) ones. It’s about the worst ones, too. 4

I think the reason that a man like that guy can act like a dick for years is that we’re always comparing him to the men who show up once. “Well,” we say, “he seems like kind of an asshole, but at least he’s on the right side. At least he keeps coming back?” 5

I have seen over and over the ticker tape parade that men get, and, frankly, demand for showing once to do the unglamorous work that women have done habitually and consistently for years. 6

I have had white men come to one single meeting, corner me at the end, and pontificate on all the ways that the advocacy work I’ve poured my heart and soul into for years could be done better or faster or more efficiently. 7

I have had men I have seen at precisely one event after a mass shooting come up to me, put their arm around me, and offer me their card so I can call them if I ever need advice. I have smiled and nodded so many times 8

at so many dudes my dad’s age in white New Balance sneakers as they treat me like a child. Give me that scoldy “now, honey, you are so bright, but” praise. Every woman fighting for any cause that benefits all of us probably has these stories, I’m sure. 9

We have been insulted, patronized, dismissed. Minimized. We have had the credit for our work coopted. We have been told in a million ways both subtle and overt that we aren’t smart enough, savvy enough, shrewd enough. 10

The vast majority of men show up once to grace you with their presence to tell you how it could be done better. How they could do it better. Then they disappear. I’m grateful to the incredible men I know who don't act this way, but, damn, the men who do are exhausting. 11

It’s true. Lazy men pave the path for abusive men. 12