yesterday was national adoption day and i wanna make a thread about the truth of being adopted and what it was and is like for me. First of all, being adopted esp from Russia is a blessing. I can never thank God enough for how amazing it is that I was chosen when many are not.

But adoption is trauma. It’s hard. I was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder as an adult. Which is really rare but is a disorder very common in adopted children who lacked Normal sensory integration and relationships both prenatally and in early childhood.

RAD affects everything i do. It affects my adopted family, the distance between us, and the fact that i don’t know if i will ever stop grieving the loss of my birth mother, wherever she is today. There will always be a hole in my life that only she could ever fill.

My adopted parents have done a lot for me. My relationship with them is sometimes really unstable but they love me and want the best for me. Being an adopted child in a home can make you feel isolated, more like a guest than a family member and I’ve struggled with that for years.

“you’re so lucky to be adopted” created a lot of guilt for me and a sense that i had to earn my keep. Adoption is expensive & it’s been reiterated in my life that i was in debt to my family for what they had. A bar i don’t think I’ll ever live up to.

Unlike everyone else, i had to earn the right to a family. While that’s probably not true, it’s a real feeling that comes from the relationships i hold with all kinds of people. Going to treatment didn’t cure me. It helped but I’m going fight this battle for the rest of my life.

Adoption is an incredible blessing. But hopefully this a window into what it can be like to be adopted. RAD is not common outside adopted children but it’s a life long struggle for those who have it. And i wouldn’t give up struggling to go back where i can from in a million years

I’ve filled the gap in my life left by my mother with lots of things. My personal appearance, this website, work, trying to stay away from alcohol, anything that would make feel worthwhile since i didn’t have friends and was convinced my family secretly hated me

I have to physically pull myself out of the mindset that I’m in debt to everyone around me. I’m not looking for sympathy. Only to raise awareness on the flip side of adoption most never get to see.