At the risk of sounding completely insane, I have to share something that happened two nights ago.

I have always been a lover of music. Any music. If it resonates with me I love it. Growing up my parents always had it playing in the house. (1)

And I can recall when I was really into the music I would get this tingly sensation that would start in my brain and then rush through my body. The technical term for is called frission. It's in a weird way a high that no drug can replicate, for me anyways (2)

I've battled with depression and anxiety for 18+ years. This latest battle with it has ultimately been my worst. For the first time in my life, I actually had the thought "You know, it'd probably be better for myself and and everyone else if I just ended things." (3)

I won't lie, I heavily contemplated it. That ultimately led me to getting the serious help I am now. But when you're in that battle you don't realize how much of the things that bring you joy, are stolen from you. Two days ago, something in me made me (4)

Pull all of the music off of my phone, thinking back on it now, I realize the music I was listening to was heavy. So begrudgingly I changed everything to upbeat dance music, thinking the whole time this was a stupid idea and it wasn't going to change anything (5)

After the house settled down for the evening, I put my head phones in and turned the music up loud, beginning to just listen. There was a particular song I was listening to that just builds and builds as the song goes on until finally it hits the breakdown. (6)

And there it was, that tingly sensation hit my brain and rushed down my body. I was immediately moved to tears. But they were tears of joy because I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had felt the sensation of frission. (7)

I was laughing and crying at the same time at the battle I had just won. Depression had stolen the joy that I find in so many things. Anxiety had kept me from trying to find those things that bring me joy. I feel as if this is a pivotal point in my battle for my MH (8)

For the first time, in a really long time, I feel hopeful. Hopeful because through all this darkness I've found a ray of light. The ray of light that I used to revel in daily. A reminder of who I used to be. A ray of hope that, no I'm never going to be (9)

Who I once was, but I am heading towards an even better version of myself.

I guess I wanted to put this out there because I know so many of us struggle with MH issues. And there are those times that we feel absolutely hopeless. But there is hope, if we keep putting (10)

One foot in front of the other. Keep trying to find your joy, no matter how ugly and dark things might become, there is a ray of hope seeking you out. It's there, just keep trying (end)

#MentalHealthAwareness #EndTheStigma