I woke up this morning immensely grateful for an amazing experience at #NCTE19.

I also woke up thinking about erasure and how erasure contributes to the battering of one’s existence.

here’s a thread about how I gave up on being me this weekend and how I’m reconciling with it.

First, allow me to reintroduce myself.

My name is shea martin.
My pronouns are they/them/theirs.
I am a black queer non-binary woman.
I am dope AF (I think).

This weekend at #NCTE19, I gave up on demanding that I be recognized as my full self because it was exhausting.

When I arrived to registration, I noticed there were no pronouns listed on my nametag.

I was annoyed, but I hate wearing nametags anyways.

I tweeted. Y’all responded in solidarity, @teachkate gave me hella cool #beyondtheletters pronoun stickers.
I felt better.

But the erasure had already happened at registration. I think the sticker helped my spirit, but it did not fully repair the blow my spirit took when I realized that my identity wasn’t a priority.

Let me show you erasure leads to quick fatigue in my existence.

that erasure meant that at my first NCTE, I didn’t even want to wear my nametag and so most of the time, I just kept it my backpack.

it meant that I avoided talking to most people on Thursday because I was angry and hurt and annoyed.

#NCTE19

that erasure meant that on Friday morning when I woke up before my presentation, I wondered if I even belonged at #NCTE19

but the worst part is that that erasure made me stop demanding that y’all use my pronouns.

I stopped counting how many times I was misgendered when I got to 72.

That was on Friday afternoon.

#NCTE19

That erasure meant that when people thanked and praised me for my session using the wrong pronouns, I said nothing.

It meant that when some of you cited me for #selfiepedagogy using the wrong pronouns, I said nothing.

Because fighting erasure is exhausting.

#NCTE19

My first NCTE.
My first presentation at NCTE.
My first time meeting most of y’all.

And I was too tired of being erased to demand that I be seen and affirmed as me.

Do not underestimate the toll that erasure has on the soul of folx.

#NCTE19

And I love y’all which I why I’m calling you in and letting you know.

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking, “crap I did this! I need to apologize!”

Please know this:
I don’t need or want apologies.
I just want you to listen and to do better.

#NCTE19

Yesterday, @britthawthorne_’s magical son came up to her and said, “Mom, it happened again! Someone misgendered me!”

The fact that her young wizard had the words to describe what was happening () and that he corrected them restored me in ways I didn’t know I needed.

And when I heard him say it, I told him that the next time it happens, he should kick the person and run away.

I don’t actually endorse the use of violence, but that’s where my soul was at that point.

I left #NCTE19 an hour later.

like most other things, erasure hurts more when it comes from family.

because we are family,
I expect, deserve, and demand better.

I will work on restoring my soul and speaking up when I am misgendered.

I need you to do better, too.

I love you.

- shea (they/them)
#NCTE19