When my dad was sick, he made me promise that if he got so bad he was incontinent or unable to bathe, I wouldn’t help him with it. That I’d get someone else, because the embarrassment of having anyone see him like that was enough but for it to be his daughter was too much.

Maybe it was generational, but his modesty meant for any woman to see him in that kind of state was pretty unbearable. At least if it was a nurse, she was a professional.

He had this beautiful dream in the hospital that I would cycle over there to shave his face.

It was beautiful because he thought it was real&it was one of the few kinds of care he was comfortable with me giving him.He was on a Male only ward,hallucinating a lot&very unwell. My straight-laced, ex forces,very private father would take his clothes off at the drop of a hat.

He had no inhibitions when he was out of it.He was also exceptionally vulnerable in that state.Before the hospital,I came downstairs once to find him in a chair with just a thin blanket on &he was totally unreachable by any words I spoke to him. It was heart rending.

We talk about the importance of single sex spaces for women, but when it comes to hospital wards I always think of him too, & the deep shame he would have felt at being that sick around female patients&having them see him like that. It went against all the instincts he had.

People deserve to have their humanity respected.

If trans people say they need to be in a different space to their sex based one to have their humanity respected then a just society must accommodate them, but the answer isn’t unisex, or removing single sex spaces for everyone else. They aren’t alone in requiring such respect.

This whole problem seems reducible to the idea that treating one group with decency can only be done in ways we know come at others' expense.Failing to accept that cost is framed as malice but malice is subjugating us to their requests, instead of finding ways to respect us all.

I don’t think the kind of society I want to live in should have made my dad suffer the indignity of a mixed sex ward when he was in such dire straits. Or should force my friend who tells me she needs a female only space after her rape, endure a space that doesn’t meet that need.

The people who push to take away from others the very dignity they are requesting for themselves are trying to build a world in which everyone else is a villain for having human needs. I don’t think we can negotiate with that.

All we can do is figure out a better solution.

One that accounts for the humanity of everyone.