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Many things are possible but hard work. Switching careers: hard work. Switching back after two years: hard, but you'll get your groove back.
But after 5+ years managing, you will have a whole way of being to unlearn. Your brain literally needs to rewire its reward pathways. https://twitter.com/hardingar/status/1198295852776906752
But after 5+ years managing, you will have a whole way of being to unlearn. Your brain literally needs to rewire its reward pathways. https://twitter.com/hardingar/status/1198295852776906752
When I started managing people, I went from working 10-12 hour days to working more like...3-5.? Then I would be mentally, emotionally and socially spent.
I didn't know how to tell if I was doing a good job or not, so I never felt like I could go home satisfied.
I didn't know how to tell if I was doing a good job or not, so I never felt like I could go home satisfied.
Sometimes I would fill more hours with bullshit. Sometimes I would press through the exhaustion and have conversations I really shouldn't in that state. Sometimes I would just go home feeling bad about myself.
I wanted those dopamine hits so bad, but they just never came.
I wanted those dopamine hits so bad, but they just never came.
It took a long time for me to build up a larger social tolerance. In my twenties, one social outing could blow my social energy budget for the week -- maybe the month, if it involved talking to strangers.
Overcoming introversion: can be done, is hard work. Feels shitty.
Overcoming introversion: can be done, is hard work. Feels shitty.
And managing just intensifies everything 10x because handling other people's emotional states and thinking clearly through it all *is your job*. The ripple effects of you not doing your job is paid in other people's careers and lives.
The dopamine hits never really come in the same way managing as they do engineering. But the cravings do subside after a couple years.
Some people claim to find a deeper, more meaningful joy eventually. I think these people are on crack
but good for them.
Some people claim to find a deeper, more meaningful joy eventually. I think these people are on crack
but good for them.
It took a couple of years for me to grow the reward pathways I needed in order to have an inner sense of when I was doing well or poorly as a manager. Which isn't quite the same, but matters as much or more.
I do wonder how long it would take me to readjust to engineering now.
I do wonder how long it would take me to readjust to engineering now.
People ask me all the time why I don't just do it, if I miss it so much.
I am not completely sure I understand why myself. But I suspect it's the same reason I always gravitated towards ops and infra: my motivations are inextricably derived from what *must be done*
I am not completely sure I understand why myself. But I suspect it's the same reason I always gravitated towards ops and infra: my motivations are inextricably derived from what *must be done*
I wish I knew how to play with tech for fun and delight. I have made a career out of using tech in anger to solve hard problems, and I love doing that.
But i just can't convince myself it's where I am most needed right now, and I am constantly behind on so many critical things.
But i just can't convince myself it's where I am most needed right now, and I am constantly behind on so many critical things.
Anyway, I will get my turn at engineering again someday. I just will. And I'm not too nervous about it. I'm good at the hard work and pushing through on sheer obstinacy fronts. 
My challenge is knowing when to pay attention to the pain signals and stop, no really *stop now*
My challenge is knowing when to pay attention to the pain signals and stop, no really *stop now*
Anyway. In conclusion. I think we would do better to think and prepare folks for the amount of work they're in for, rather than possible/impossible.
I see this with juniors sometimes. They think the hard part is over when they graduate, but honey, it's just begun.
I see this with juniors sometimes. They think the hard part is over when they graduate, but honey, it's just begun.
Your first couple of jobs are going to be hard. fucking. work. You are trying to train your brain to occupy a way of being and doing that brains were not designed to do. It will fight you.
There's a lot of territory to travel before you can casually toss off lines about how the tech is always the easy part.
It is to those of us who have been doing it a long time, and maybe we forget how hard it seems, and for how long.
Sorry. It was hard for me too.
It is to those of us who have been doing it a long time, and maybe we forget how hard it seems, and for how long.
Sorry. It was hard for me too.
