#PatientsAreNotFaking makes me think of last summer when I wasn't believed by a psychiatrist about struggling with dissociation or my concerns about ADHD. I was later diagnosed with both ADHD and DPDR. Here's the story and WHY that was so damaging:

So I had a psychiatrist for a few years before that who tried her best but wasn't willing to address possible misdiagnosis. She diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, along with anxiety, major depression, and an eating disorder.

When you're diagnosed with BPD and bipolar, you're prescribed antipsychotics. And if those aren't right for your brain... Ohhhhhhhhh boy is it HELL.

I was on latuda, depakote, lamictol, lithium - if it's a bipolar medication, we tried it.

These would seem to help for a little while. Then I'd be INCREDIBLY restless, pacing my apartment back and forth, drinking heavily just to try to calm down. I rapidly gained weight, went back and forth with bulimia, and ended up hospitalized six times while seeing her for

depression. I ended up lying just to get antidepressants - I told her I'd take them along with mood stabilizers. But at a certain point enough is enough.

I'd read about PTSD and DPDR and wanted someone to tell me why I hadn't been diagnosed with BPD at any hospital stay.

So when my depersonalization was getting worse and worse and my therapist was on leave for a surgery, I asked for intensive outpatient therapy. I could get it but it would be with a different treatment facility. So, I started driving there and told them exactly how unreal

my life felt - how I felt like I was living in a dream, how I had trauma, how I had felt like I'd died and never known. They didn't judge me. It was... Nice, until I read some of the therapy notes that said I just needed to deal with it, as if six weeks was long enough.

Anyway, about three weeks in I finally got to see a psychiatrist.

I'd been waiting WEEKS to ask someone to formally evaluate me for DPDR. I had my lists of conditions I was concerned about, I had an at home test that talked about depersonalization symptoms.. I knew what to ask

for. I needed someone to tell me if this was PTSD, depression, or what, and to explain their reasoning with more than "well.. seems uncommon."

I was in their specifically for concerns about dissociation. So it seems extremely dismissive and unprofessional that he shrugged

and said to me, "well that's pretty rare, though."

Here I am, finally admitting to a professional the extent of my dissociation, and I'm begging him to tell me he at least KNOWS what DPDR is because I know it's not just depression. I know what depression is like.

I'm NOT currently depressed.

I leave the meeting in tears. I was in intensive therapy FOR a dissociative disorder and here I was being told that "most people don't experience that." NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK. THATS WHY IM ASKING FOR HELP.

I ended up going to a new psychiatrist after that, but.. I was devastated. What was the point of reaching for help if NO ONE believed me?

Later, a therapist did. I wrote about everything here if you want to read about it. https://secretladyspider.wordpress.com/2019/09/06/adhd-and-depersonalization-disorder-my-mental-health-journey-and-differential-diagnosis/

Still, though, it was so demoralizing to be told "yeah, you just think you have DPDR because the internet is talking about it". I just wanted to be tested, to see if that was it, and he wouldn't even acknowledge that I was struggling so much.

DPDR is an invisible illness and I don't fit the ADHD stereotype - I'm AFAB, I was good in school, I wasn't a "behavior problem", im not externally hyperactive... I don't seem like I have it.

But that's the thing - LOTS of people don't "look" like they have ADHD. Or DPDR.

Or most mental illnesses.

I was, and am, in a lot of pain you can't "see".

This doesn't even touch on how many times I've been to the ER for ovarian cysts or because I was suicidal and how you're treated there is SUCH gamble.

Like. I was there for one SPECIFIC reason and that psychiatrist told me he wasn't willing to even look into it because, and I quote, "that's kinda rare, though."

I wasn't faking it. I'm not now.

That's the frustrating thing about seeing doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, and any physician positively say "lol we can tell when y'all faking it" is that we sit there wishing we had just ended our suffering instead of reaching out.

But I did keep reaching out. And I still do.

But it shouldn't HALF this hard just to get someone to at least fuckkg evaluate you when you go "hey, I know this sounds ridiculous, and I know I could be wrong, but PLEASE listen" and being met with a shrug.

Like.. it's so demoralizing.

We come to you because we need HELP, not because it's easy it convenient or we like having a long list of our conditions. A lot of folks have a LOT wrong with us. And we just want to not feel like we do.

We want to be listened to.

But that doesn't matter.

The hell we go through just hoping someone will listen and help us is just for attention.

Because y'all can tell when we're faking. No matter what we say or how much pain we're in.

Right,m