About to get personal with you twitter.

CW: weight loss, medical insurance, body dismorphia, breast reduction surgery, smoking, disordered eating, sizism, PCOS

I’ve been considering getting a breast reduction surgery since high school, but have never really been in a place where I’d be able to get one until recently. I decided to start research and get a referral from my PCP to start the process for 2020.

Apparently, just to get a REFERRAL to a surgeon for a consultation to see if I’m a good candidate for surgery, my insurance is requiring me to be below a BMI of 35, which means I would need to lose 40ish pounds and weigh in around 200. Easy, right? Nope.

The last time I weighed around 200 pounds was a summer I ended up moving out of state to follow a stressful job and only being able to afford a single McChicken every day (dollar menu) as well as cigarettes to stave off the hunger. It was not a healthy weight. Before then was HS.

During the dollar menu/cigarette summer, I almost continued my disordered eating habits because I was starting to like “being skinny” again. Again, this was not healthy. And my boobs were still huge. That one facet of me has never changed.

So it’s been 12+ years since I was a “healthy” 200 or around there.

Here’s why: I have PCOS, which makes it difficult to lose and keep off weight.

I have a healthier lifestyle now, but I weigh a little more. BMI is not an indicator of that.

I’m not blaming my PCOS for my weight now. I developed terrible eating habits growing up and was addicted to sugar. It’s something I continue to work on, but rather than those changes resulting in me losing the weight, my weight has just been maintained.

BMI is problematic. It’s about size, not health.

The fact that my insurance isn’t even allowing my PCP to make decisions regarding my current and future health because I’m “not skinny enough” is problematic.

My back hurts, my neck hurts, my mental health suffers, I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, all because of my breasts.

I’ve been wanting to drastically reduce them for over half my life.

I’ve cried a lot about this today, but I’m gonna keep fighting because I can’t afford this without insurance.

Thanks everyone for the support. Right now I’m trying to focus my mind on other things and when I’m ready, I’ll take this battle on. Also huge thanks and love to my amazing husband and partner @apboynton for being my rock in this. He’s my favorite human.