Finally got my depo shot earlier. My gynecologist was so shocked and couldn't believe I got paralyzed by Guillain-Barre recently and didn't get admitted to the hospital, and I guess that is um, bad yeah

And he was like, 'but if you couldn't walk, they have to admit you for hospitalization right?? They can't let someone just go home if they can't walk? Paralysis is very serious health problem.'

And I was like, well everything you say is true, and yet,,

I mean after the Dr said I was faking paralysis very, very convincingly, I didn't think it would be good to try and stay after that, you know?

And then when I proved I wasn't faking any of it, the ER Dr said maybe it was my subconscious fears were overwhelming my brain and keeping it from functioning. And I just, was like, does this sound ok?? Can you subconsciously paralyze your own self and stop your own heart beat?

And it's nice on some level, to know at least my Dr thinks it's completely unthinkable to ignore a serious health problem like that, and that surely no other Dr could ever do what happened to me, but well, it certainly happened, and it's not even the first such incident

Sure if I didn't have my meds, air filters, and medical knowledge, I would have left the ER in middle of an asthma and Guillain-Barre attack and then have died later in about 6 hours from complete loss of autonomic function. I know this but it's hard to believe.

Also I can just close my eyes and meditate into a sleep level of functioning, such that everything in my body goes into dormancy, and survive long periods of very low blood oxygen, otherwise I would not be alive, and it's troubling any of that is acceptable

And something I couldn't process for a while, that ER Dr was chinese-american, and it was the first time I've ever experienced a complete lack of racism in a medical scenario, she was 0% racist to me, because she knew I was also chinese

But she was overwhelmingly 100% ableist towards me. She refused to believe any of my medical history, and that I could be disabled at all, because after all "I looked healthy to her". She thought it was awful I didn't have a full time job, and that my family "was indulging me"

And then the irony of telling someone me I look healthy and fine, when I couldn't breathe, my legs were numb and cold and didn't move at all, and instead of giving me medical care, she insisted on pinching and pushing my legs repeatedly to see if they would move (they did not)

And then told me I was simply too smart and normal to be disabled (????) and maybe I had emotional problems of some kind and should seek therapy for my emotional problems that made me convinced I was sick. And tried to tell me a lot of chinese-americans are badly mentally ill.

But I interrupted that, and said I was tired of being mistreated by doctors like this and I did not want to hear anymore, and I hoped she thought deeply about what kind of Dr she wants to be to her patients, that I was leaving, and after that Leah took me home..