I'm pretty annoyed by the whole Flame Monroe thing because, frankly... not to sound like a bitch, but Flame is going to have a very different experience when it comes to dating and romance than myself or frankly, most trans women I personally know.

So it's really annoying to see that so many people just throw their hands up and agree with Flame because it confirms what they already believe about transgender people.

Like Flame Monroe is married with kids and lives very differently than I do. I transitioned as a teenager and I've never even kissed a woman and I couldn't impregnate one even if I wanted to. Not an option for me.

I become exhausted with my narrative constantly being conflated with people who transition later in life after kids and marriage. It's very frustrating how often those people are given the platform to speak and describe to cis people who we are and who loves us.

But even moreso, what it really points to is that trans experiences are diverse. Flame's experience IS valid, but it is their own. Unfortunately, far too many people want to believe that trans people have some sort of unified experience. We definitely don't.

I am completely unfamiliar with the feeling of being seen as a man in this society. On top of that, I do not face the pressure of upholding masculinity or maleness. Those aren't really pressures I've truly ever had to face, if I'm being very honest.

On the flipside, I am constantly navigating around patriarchy and misogyny. Not in the exact same way a cis woman whose body is seen as a vessel, sure, but many of those pressures still exist for me and are more present in my life than any pressure to be a man.

But you have people like Flame, who in my opinion, is an agent of patriarchal thought, who frame my experiences as their own. Who speak for us and believe they can define us as men that we, frankly, aren't seen as in the way perhaps Flame's been.

For me this always boils down to labels and their usage. Could you describe me as a gay man? Sure, but who does that serve and what do you mean when you say that? Is that a label for you or is it a label that is supposed to truly reflect my life and experiences?

I don't really know what it's like to be seen as a man and I've been able to safely navigate many spaces because I've pretty roundly accepted a straight woman. My gay friends hesitate to enter into spaces that are quite comfortable for me. So what do you really mean?

Describing me as gay and the men who date me as gay is easy for people who aren't trans women or the men who date them to understand. Two people designated male at birth? Must be in a gay relationship- right? That's easy to understand, but it doesn't quite reflect truth.

When two men date each other, they experience a long list of struggles that I don't. They face a whole list of biases and strife unfamiliar to me. And as someone who defends and advocates for gay rights, it makes me quite uncomfortable to have these experiences conflated.

Now, of course, my experience is my own. I'm more than positive that there are plenty of trans women who have had these experiences and know these feelings- I'm just saying that I don't so these conversations frustrate me.

I'm not saying they frustrate me because I need the men I date to be heterosexual. Between you and I, I try to avoid straight men as much as I can. Bi men all the fuckin' way. All three of my partners are openly bi or pansexual and frankly, that makes them much better partners

But the vast majority of men I've tried to date aren't. Not only are they no bi or pansexual, but they resent the fact that people assume that they are confused or don't understand themselves.

They see trans women as women and as someone who isn't used to being seen as a man, that tracks.

Now are there men who pursue transgender women who are confused? Absolutely. But so much of their confusion is two fold. It comes from the fact that trans women are very rare so many of them may develop an interest in them, but not be able to have actual access to them.

So they're unsure if when they do connect with a trans person if their interest/fantasy/desire/etc will align with their actual experience.

Then there's the situation I find myself in rather frequently, where someone IS attracted to me, initially assuming that I'm cisgender and upon finding out that I'm not, they aren't entirely turned off, but they are indeed unfamiliar with being in that position.

I'd say that's most men in general and I'd say there's a very very small percentage of men who try to use trans women as an intermediate to gaining access to men/gay sex etc. With trans women being so incredibly rare, these men tend to have an easier time connecting with gay men.

So the idea that these men go out of their way to get with a person who is likely on hormones (which makes their genitalia malfunction) just to gain access to a man is... just kinda nonsensical. But I'm not going to say it doesn't happen. It just wouldn't be very common.

These conversations about trans women and the men who love them will always be frustrating to me because they almost always sound like experiences that I just don't have.

I date a lot, I'm a very social person, I have three partners currently- none of them sound like the men people are always trying to say men who like trans women are.

I go on very normal, often quite boring dates with men who frankly, very rarely bring up my trans status because they aren't dating me for that reason. I'm trans, they're attracted to me and we just kinda go from there.

But again, I'll repeat that my experience is simply my experience.

Anyway, this has been a bit of a rant. tired for reading comment from cis people saying Flame Monroe is right because it confirms their bias. Very annoying.