A HAP/PAP asked reddit what they should know. Here's my very incomplete list based on comments I've seen/heard. No particular order.

#adoption
#adopteevoices
#nationaladoptionawarenessmonth
#nationaladopteeawarenessmonth

You don't get any say in how we feel about... anything. This includes, but is not limited to things like being adopted, not feeling like we fit in, how happy we are/aren't, who we refer to as our "real" family, our desire/need to learn about our birth families.

It doesn't matter if you feel like you "never do/say anything to make them feel like they weren't [your] real/birth child/don't fit in", many of us will never feel like we belong anywhere, and chances are, there are microaggressions that you're not even paying attention to.

Transracial/transcultural adoptions are shit. Adoptive parents are very rarely willing or able to properly support a transracial adoptee.

Acting like it doesn't matter what race they are/culture they are from is the wrongest thing to do. Don't erase what little we actually have.

You are not necessarily giving anyone a "better life". You're giving someone a different life.

If an adoptee needs to find out about their birth family, it has nothing to do with you.

Adoptees do not owe you anything. Do not ever say they should feel "grateful" or "lucky".

Yes, some adoptees would have rather been aborted than adopted. No, the alternative to adoption was NOT always just abortion. No, the alternative was not simply being left in the gutter/trash either.

We know that we are almost always your Plan B or even Plan C.

The fact that you want a child, or have "so much love to give" does not entitle you to a child.

Adoption is NOT the only way to support a child or even raise a child in need. Becoming a legal guardian, or financially supporting a mother/family, even temporarily should always be on the table, and the first options.

The correct time to tell a child they are adopted is always, "You should have already done it."

If your plan is to not tell a child that they're adopted, adoption is not for you.

Many adoptees are not willing to talk about their true feelings about being adopted. It doesn't matter how close you are, or how well you think you know them. Do not assume that because the adoptee you know has never complained, that they are happy and issue-free.

Many adoptees don't come to terms with their feelings about being adopted until later in life. This is often referred to as "coming out of the fog". This can happen at any age, and adoptees often get very angry or lash out.

No, there is no magic way to "avoid/prevent trauma" or "avoid/prevent attachment issues". At best, there are ways to support someone through them.

If your greatest fear is that they will love you less than their birth parents, then adoption is not for you. Not saying it's unreasonable as a concern, but it cannot be your single, primary fear.

If your greatest concern is how an adoptee will fit in with your other children, then adoption is not for you.

If your reason for adoption is so your other child will have a companion, or because you, yourself want a companion, adoption is not for you. Get a pet.

Remember that adoption is a choice made by birth parents and adoptive parents. Many adoptees do not get a choice in the matter.

Adoptive parents are not better than other people just because they choose to adopt.

Birth mothers not lesser than other people just because they relinquished a child.

Many birth mothers do not WANT to give up their children for adoption. Even ignoring children being forcibly removed later in life, Many are pressured by family, church, or even the state.

Your adoptive family may not ever "be enough" for an adoptee. It doesn't matter how close you are.

Open adoption. Always. Even if the birth family isn't in the picture, leave that door open. Get as much information as you can for later.

How involved should the birth family be? As involved as the adoptee is comfortable with. At younger ages, this is a little tougher, of course. You have to find a healthy balance for EVERYONE, not just you.

Do not refer to adoptees or adoption as "gifts".

Do not say things like "I was meant to be your parent" or "We were meant to be a family". For the adoptive family to have been "intended", it means that the birth family and the adoptee were intended to have lost.

Sometimes loving someone just isn't enough. Many adoptees have deep rooted issues that aren't fixed by hugs and positive words. Just keep supporting, and being there as much as possible.

Many adoptees have difficulty forming healthy relationships or navigating boundaries. We run hot and then cold. Doubly so while we process trauma/emotions of being adopted. There will be pushing away, and clinging. Again, just keep supporting as best you can.

The fact that you want a child, or "have so much love to give" does not mean you would make a good adoptive parent. The fact that you have biological children does not mean you would make a good adoptive parent. There are entirely different issues and challenges.