<LIVETWEET TRANSLATION>

Hey. You're about to have a way better morning than this guy! Tune in! https://www.c-span.org/video/?466378-1/impeachment-inquiry-hearing-eu-ambassador-gordon-sondland&live

OH SNAP, @RepSwalwell has Starbucks in hand. Nobody is messin' around this morning.

Gordon Sondland: Vulture banker, major Trump donor, and now competing for Least Fun Morning in Washington History!

Call him the bus driver, because he's here to take fools to school.

SCHIFF: I came to chew bubblegum and kick ass; bubblegum was indicted by DOJ earlier this morning and has been remanded to custody.

SCHIFF: Donald Trump demanded that President Zelenskyy confess that Ukraine put on a Russia mask and attacked him in 2016, and that Joe Biden sells all the natural gas in Ukraine. He demanded that Zelenskyy get a column on Breitbart in exchange for not being invaded by Russia.

SCHIFF: This fool Sondland helped Trump; may G-d have mercy on his soul, for this stupid idea and for allowing himself to be called part of "The Three Amigos."

Really, he's part of "The Three Unindicted Co-Conspirators."

SCHIFF: The Three Unindicted Co-Conspirators were upset about Trump's suggestion that they let Giuliani join the band on rhythm guitar. They argued that their sound was tight enough and that Rudy's gear sucks.

SCHIFF: These morons tried to get Amb. Taylor, a non-treasonweasel, to go along with the scheme cooked up by Trump and Mick Mulvaney.

Sondland has been in every stupid-ass meeting possible.

SCHIFF: Sondland used WhatsApp all time; his OPSEC is only more hilarious than his lack of self-preservation and knowledge of 18 U.S. Code criminal statutes.

(EG Note: It's only been a few minutes, and Sondland already looks as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.)

SCHIFF: This Sondland guy demanded that President Zelenskyy himself had to announce the investigation of Biden or Russian tanks would be in Ukraine's bathrooms. But that it wasn't Quid Pro Quo. Just a Mob shakedown.

SCHIFF: PS. have I mentioned how much Trump and Pompeo are obstructing their balls off with regards to this investigation? They say they absolutely have no knowledge that Ukraine is part of Eurasia, or ever existed.

Nixon got impeached for this. Here's Nunes.

NUNES: MOOOOOOOOO IT'S A CIRCUS!

NUNES: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RUSSIA HAS NO RELATIONSHIP WITH RUSSIA MOOOOOOO

NUNES: HAHAHAHAA MOOOOOOOO I WIN SCHIFF LOSES MOOOOOO

THEY ARE NUTZ MOOOOOO

NUNES: MOOOOOO HERE ARE QUOTES NOBODY EVER SAID BUT MOOOOOOOOOOO

ALSO THERE IS NO RUSSIA AND NO TRUMP AND NOBODY CAN LAUNDER MONEY MOOOOOO

NUNES: MOOOOOOO JARED KUSHNER'S SF-86 WAS FINE

ALL MOOOO SIX VERSIONS OF IT MOOOOOO

NUNES: MOOOOO IMAGINE WHAT THEY MUST HAVE ON ME THAT I HAVE TO DO THIS STUPIDITY EVERY DAY NO MATTER HOW IT MOOOOOOO MAKES ME LOOK MOOOOOOOO

NUNES: AMB. SONDLAND I LOVE YOU MOOOO MAN

I'M SORRY MOOOOOOOOO NOT FAIR MOOOOOO

WHISTLEBLOWER CHALUPA TACO BELL STRZOK PAGE MOOOOOO

NUNES: (I am not making this up.) MOOOOOOOO GEORGE WASHINGTON DID THE SAME THING WITH THE BRITISH MOOO

(Wait, Washington dispatched Ukrainian Mobsters to the King of England? Really?)

SCHIFF: Thank you Mr. Nunes. I am too bored to even insult you.

"Ambassador" Sondland became a diplomat after his career in...hotels.

OK dude, get ready. Swear in.

AMB. SONDLAND (hereafter "Gordo"): Thanks to all my homies at the State Department. Thanks especially to my staff at the mission to the EU, which doesn't include Ukraine.

GORDO: I love diplomacy.

This isn't how I intended to get famous, so let me tell my story. My parents left Nazi Germany to Uruguay and then landed in Seattle.

GORDO: I especially love public service, which is why I've been a vulture banker and taken advantage of homeowners in financial trouble. I make sure the public get served good and hard.

GORDO: My greatest honor has been to serve Pres. Trump as ambassador to a place where I want hotels and financial opportunities, for which I only paid $1 million to Trump.

GORDO: I have been super transparent, and I can't even get the State Department to release my notes I just admitted I don't really take! All I have to work with is those *secure WhatsApp messages you have...as evidence.

GORDO: Because State won't let me have the memos I just said I don't take, my memory has gotten *really* bad, guys, so don't think of it as perjury, mmkay?

GORDO: Sure we worked with Giuliani and his Dmitry Firtash-funded Ukrainian Mob goons. But we had no choice! President Trump *insisted* that we work with his Mobsters!

Jeez, if had been able to use Google, I totally wouldn't have worked with the guys the president told us to!

GORDO: Using Mobsters instead of State to conduct U.S. diplomacy is totally NOT an irregular channel, because presidents can, like George Washington did, work with as many Russian Mob oligarch-funded Mobsters as they want.

This is history, people.

GORDO: Once we were working together, I was SHOCKED to here that our Mob shakedown involved something BAD for Ukraine if they didn't do what we demanded on pain of something bad if they didn't. Shocked, I tell you!

GORDO: I acted in good faith for the Genovese Mob front rolled by the Russian Mafiya in the 1990s, aka the President. He wanted us to do Mob stuff (that shocked me, mind you!) and we did so in good faith.

Also, we had no idea about the craps and slot machines in that casino!

GORDO: In my job as Ambassador to the European Union, Ukraine has remained important as I...

(EG Note: I CAN'T, YOU GUYS, UKRAINE ISN'T PART OF THE EU, HE IS AMAZINGLY FULL OF SHIT )

GORDO: I have met Ukrainians before, one time, in Brussels, where they have the Actual EU! So that make Ukraine part of my EU ambassadorship! Because it might one day be part of the EU if me and my Mobster pals don't get our way!

GORDO: I was very excited to help Ukraine get its corruption problem under control through our unique approach of letting Rudy Giuliani run around with now-indicted Ukrainian Mobsters.

Nothing says "U.S. jurisprudence" by gun-toting Sunny Beach Isles-infesting Mob goons.

GORDO: Look, guys: we had a choice. Either schedule a call between Trump and Zelenskyy the normal way, or through the Mobsters Trump sent personally.

Well, we didn't like it one bit - but we did anyway. That's why our WhatsApp messages show none of that.

GORDO: Trump very specifically instructed his unregistered FARA agent for RuMob countries attorney, Giuliani, to root out corruption, because they were only part of 98% of it on earth, and they're perfectionists.

It was time to be part of I mean get rid of all corruption!

GORDO: Yes, I wrote Morrison about investigations and corruption connected to a WH meeting between the two presidents.

See! Totally normal! We weren't being secret! We shook Ukraine down right in front of everyone!

That's the benefit of transparency.

GORDO: And yeah, it was weird! Fruity G was meeting with Lutsenko still! And Taylor talked to other Ukraine figures who were upset about having to talk to this Mob idiot instead of State!

See, everyone is in the loop! We didn't hide any of this shit!

GORDO: And Giuliani still ran around in Ukraine, which was weird, but which was OK.

Pompeo told Volker to talk to Giuliani, which he did!

We tried to fix the problem that I didn't really think was a problem, but you do, so OK we're transparent.

(EG Note: Basically, Gordo, is just saying yes, we have the whole story down, just that he didn't think the treasoning and criming were no big deal. Which we already know. So this is...bewildering.)

GORDO: Yes, it was Quid Pro Quo. Everybody knows that, except apparently the entire GOP up on the dais.

Nope, we Quid Pro Quo'd our balls off. And we like it. QPQ is fun. We love to QPQ. We are QPQ-Americans. And we are proud.

GORDO: Yes. Our deal was you do all the investigations if you want American aid. Yup! Quid pro quo, you owe us, it's an offer you can't refuse, however you want to describe it.

I'm a proud extortionist-American, and I vote!

GORDO: Yes, we refer to the President as "The Boss" like he's in the Mob. He likes it! And that's how he thinks!

Everyone was in the loop!

SCHIFF: Wow, there's a lot of new material in your statement.

You say you were on a "continuum of insidiousness." WTF is that?

SONDLAND: We started just dealing with "oligarch problems," and then we had to interfere in the U.S. 2020 election. It was weird!

SCHIFF: Right. So you were gonna ratfuck Joe Biden.

SONDLAND: But I didn't know that.

SCHIFF: It was in the call records, though?

SONDLAND: We did not use RatfuckApp, but WhatsApp, so no?

SCHIFF: So Mulvaney and Pompeo were part of the shakedown?

SONDLAND: Hell yeah. I am a proud extortionist-American.

SCHIFF: To ratfuck the Bidens.

SONDLAND: But I didn't *knooooow* that.

SCHIFF: Wow. OK.

GORDO: I NEVER SAID BIDEN. The codewords were "2016" and "Burisma" and my BDSM safe word is "hopscotch."

SCHIFF: So...you're extortionists.

GORDO: The president talks loud on his cell phone.

SCHIFF: So Holmes was right about your Mob shakedown.

GORDO: POTUS can shake things in a downward direction with executive privilege.

SCHIFF: And logjam is code for "Russia gets to put tanks in your living rooms unless you do what we want."

GORDO: No, it means "jammed logs."

SCHIFF: But no military assistants.

GORDO: Those are logs.

SCHIFF: So Pence was in the loop for his meeting?

GORDO: He was aware logs jam.

SCHIFF: But the whole thing was fucking public at that point.

GORDO: Perry, Volker and I do log logistics. We move logs.

SCHIFF: You met with Yermak as soon as Pence was done with the meeting.

GORDO: It wasn't really a meeting. It was a log-position briefing.

SCHIFF: You were getting an update on the shakedown.

GORDO: Probably! Sounds like a thing I'd do!

SCHIFF: So Trump said it was *not* quid pro quo, but if there was no quid, then there would not be a pro, correct?

GORDO: Yes, but I am not a great author of emails. My prose could have been better. He just told Zelenskyy to "do the right thing," which is not Mob at ALL.

(EG Note: This is from Lilyhammer, about the Russian Mob in Norway. Note "go do the right thing." And the whole series is awesome)

SCHIFF: So basically, you did this shit.

GORDO: We succeeded in log motion engineering.

SCHIFF: This is some fuckin' Mob shit, you realize that.

GORDO: Absolutely. Totes. Love it.

SCHIFF: You held up Ukraine's security unless he investigated Biden.

GORDO: Fuck it, he just had to go on TV for propaganda. Who gave a fuck if he investigated. Just as long as he ratfucked Biden for 2020.

SCHIFF: Or get invaded by Russia.

GORDO: FUCK YEAH, MAN! WHOOO!!!

(EG Note: ...jesus, mary, and joseph this is historic. sondland is just looking us in the eye and daring us to put him in prison forever. ungoddamnedbelievable.)

https://twitter.com/mcfaul/status/1197173193846341632?s=12

GOLDMAN: So you needed your State Department notes that you never took.

GORDO: Yes.

GOLDMAN: So you're saying State Department is obstructing you from getting documents for Congress?

GORDO: Yup! Obstructing their nuts off!

GOLDMAN: So you remembered this stuff in Kyiv and there was a call.

GORDO: My main purpose to talk to Trump was for A$AP Rocky on behalf of the Kardashians. No shit! Incredible, eh?

GOLDMAN: On unencrypted lines?

GORDO: Fuck yeah! Why the fuck not?

(I am roaring. This Sondland guy is like EVERYBODY IS COMING UNDER THE BUS WITH ME YOU FUCKERS! WHOOOOO!!! SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM! SEE YOU IN HELL!)

GOLDMAN: Did you say "He loves your ass?"

GORDO: That's me man! That's how I'm a diplomat when working with Mobsters over unencrypted lines.

GOLDMAN: *has massive stroke*

GOLDMAN: So in your café SCIF you announced IN FRONT OF BABY JESUS AND EVERYBODY that you had the extortion all set with the president of Ukrainian. So loud the room could hear it.

GORDO: FUCK YEAH, MAN!

GOLDMAN: So Trump only cares about "big stuff."

GORDO: "BIDEN RATFUCK!"

GOLDMAN: So Biden.

GORDO: Not Biden, Burisma.

GOLDMAN: But that Rudy thing, which was, of course Biden.

GORDO: SEE YOU IN HELL, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

GOLDMAN: But of course, it's Biden.

GORDO: Well, I know that now.

GOLDMAN: And you needed to work with Rudy.

GORDO: He spoke for the President.

GOLDMAN: So neither Giuliani or Trump insisted the investigations be real.

GORDO: Yeah, nobody gave a shit.

GOLDMAN: So it was really just for political show.

GORDO: Yeah, Poindexter, ya think?

GOLDMAN: So all this diplomatic cover was bullshit. It was just political ratfucking.

GORDO: You're sharp, kiddo.

GOLDMAN: You could call the President any time.

GORDO: I paid him $1 million. What do you think, man? That's how this works. Sweet gig and a cell phone number.

GOLDMAN: So this message. Volker prepped Yermak to prep Zelenskyy for the shakedown call.

GORDO: Yeah man.

GOLDMAN: That's how he knew about the investigations.

GORDO: Yup! You got it.

GOLDMAN: So in the Poland meeting with Pence, you knew this was all a big shakedown, and aid was tied in.

GORDO: Yeah dude.

GOLDMAN: So you're throwing every last one of these guys under ever bus ever built.

GORDO: Every one of them. And every bus. Yup!

(EG Note: Please give generously to the Daniel Goldman Neurological Recovery Fund for all massive strokes he's having as this guy just admits the entire scheme without prompting.)

GOLDMAN: So you see where Amb. Taylor is concerned you guys are doing Vladimir Putin's work for him.

GORDO: Sure!

GOLDMAN: Did you talk to Trump about this?

GORDO: Naw, we discussed "logjams." LOL. You're adorable.

GOLDMAN: But you did know that it was a shakedown, propaganda for aid.

GORDO: Not from Trump directly, but yeah!

GOLDMAN: You said it needed to be Zelenskyy himself, not just the prosecutor, announcing the shakedown.

GORDO: Yup!

SCHIFF: I am announcing a break to check Mr. Goldman in for any adverse neurological effects of that. JFC.

Well, this is a fun morning!

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