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Some thoughts on intentionality: I often encounter clients who seem fixated on whether I’m having a good time, to the extent that they tune out of what they need to have a good time. They tend to get stuck in their own head - to be distracted, self critical and anxious (cont..)
Naturally, I pick up on that, and it enters into the dynamic between us. Which is OK, these things happen in sex! But in my experience there are ways to address this in advance so that we can both be fully present with each other....
A key one of these is a focus on intentionality, and by extension, being mindful. By which I mean; reflecting on what you want, being purposeful about your desires, and taking active steps to achieve them....
As an illustration: people often get in touch with me because they’re seeking ‘new experiences’, but when I ask more about that, they aren’t sure what that actually entails for them...
I appreciate that novelty can have its own value, and that it can be hard to articulate an exact desire before you’ve explored it a bit further. But more broadly, it’s a good idea to think about what you’re looking for.
Be intentional. Think about how you want to feel, what you want to get out of an experience, and things you want to explore. Is this the kind of sex you want to have? And if that’s not happening, let’s pause rather than keep going with something you’re not into...
Think about your boundaries, and what you need to feel safe and relaxed. Tune into your body and take it seriously. Listen to it, rather than trying to wilfully ignore anything that’s inconvenient...
A key part of this is also trusting your partner to do the same, and therefore trusting that they will communicate with you about what they like and what they don’t...
Hear what they say, pay attention to their body language, and receive that gracefully and with trust. Try not to dismiss them with a ‘well you would say that’ etc. Don’t block your ears with your own self doubt...
And finally, be intentional around receiving pleasure as well as giving. The idea that good sex involves relentlessly servicing your lover is inaccurate. Sex is the most thrilling when it involves people trusting themselves (and each other) enough to be vulnerable.
FIN.
FIN.