How to Have Sex in the 600s: A very NSFW #MedievalTwitter Thread.

Archbishop Theodore gave many judgments on what sexual acts were appropriate (and not) in the late 600s in England. So...how *was* it appropriate to have sex?

(Lyon, BM, MS 5128, f. 100r)

First of all, you *must* be married. Don't even bother having sex outside of marriage.

(BL, MS Royal 10 E IV, f. 237v)

You can't be two men or two women.

(Avignon, Bibliothèque municipale, MS 136, f. 322r)

No animals. Theodore is very stern about bestiality, which is a shift from earlier theologians, who thought it wasn't really any more serious than masturbation.

(BL, MS Burney 169, f. 14r)

Speaking of which, no masturbation. Theodore thought it was worse for men to masturbate than women, but he increased penalties for married women masturbating.

(BnF, MS Français 25526, f. 160r)

If you're thinking that this all sounds like a list of Do Nots and doesn't seem like much fun, *you're right.* Sex in Christian theology was sinful if you enjoyed it. Pleasure meant you'd assented to sin and the devil could take hold of you.

(BnF, MS Français 166, f. 139r)

Not enjoying sex was the ideal. After all, the Immaculate Conception was the miracle of the Virgin Mary's conception, whose parents miraculously did not enjoy the sex they had when they conceived her. Be like them! Don't enjoy sex!

(BnF, MS Français 95, f. 113v)

Ok, so if you're having sex with your spouse, what are the rules?

Well, do it in the dark. With as many clothes on as possible. Theodore insists that a husband should never see his wife naked (unclear if she can see him naked).

(Paris, Bibliothèque de l'Arsenal 3480, f. 33)

No butt stuff. Theodore says that no husband should "nupere" [marry] his wife "from behind." The official stance on pegging is unclear.

(BL, MS Additional 62925, f. 67r)

Absolutely NO oral sex. Theodore calls this "the worst of evils" and says that you should do penance for it potentially until the end of your life.

(Bodleian Library, MS Douce 308, f. 104v)

No divorce! People could remarry if their spouse was kidnapped by Vikings (but you have to wait at least a year to see if they escape). Men could divorce over adultery, but a woman could only remarry if her adulterous husband was dead.

(BL, MS Additional 18720, f. 206)

Absolutely no mixing your husband's semen into his food to make him love you more! This is very wrong! (and apparently something women did)

(No word on how they GOT the semen)

(BnF, MS Français 25526, f. 160r1)

Anyway, that's how to have sex in 600s England! No doing it on any holy days! Remember to do it in the dark and don't enjoy it!

(Beinecke Library, MS 404 f. 184v)

The end.

(Bibliothèque de Genève, MS fr. 64, f. 297r)

One quick note: a lot of people are saying "this is why it's called The Dark Ages" and that's not right. After all, the same period that produced Theodore's rules also produced all the illustrations I included. The Middle Ages were as complex as now. (BL, Royal 15 E VI, f. 6r)

The European Middle Ages had many conservative ideas about sex but also had obscene stories about saints' miracles that left people covered in genitals, detailed Latin accounts of sexual exploits, and nuns writing love letters to each other: https://twitter.com/erik_kaars/status/1070308027096539137