Thread of UK politicians if they worked in finance...

Boris Johnson - works at a Lloyd’s of London syndicate. Can’t send a pdf or a calendar invitation but somehow still managed to make it to the top of his firm. Has 3 pending cases against him from HR

Michael Gove - Managing Director at a Uk based PE firm. Went to Eton, Oxford and then started a M&A FIG role at JP post uni. Has a Bentley with registration plate LB0 KING despite never successfully generating returns for investors

Nigel Farage - London’s best metal trader. Can be seen in a pinstripe suit drinking lager at 11am in the morning. Only ever wears blue or red ties because rule Britannia

Tony Blair - Despite being fired from his role at an investment bank during the LIBOR scandal he still makes millions teaching bankers about morals and ethics. Co-partner at a UK VC firm investing in tech companies with diverse founders

Jeremy Corbyn - Despite being in mid management till his 60s he now runs the UKs largest ESG investment fund. His reputation as a nice bloke is why investors still invest despite him never generating a positive return

Priti Patel - Head of Audit at a Big 4 firm. Fed up of the fact the firm focus on diversity and inclusion. Spends most of her time bribing clients and ignoring variances in the balance sheet

Nick Clegg - after being passed up as CEO of a High street bank he now leads the UKs largest digital bank. Only talks to his family if they use the family slack and spends most of his days crying over profitability

Chuka Umunna - Data analyst contractor who spends 6 months at each investment bank before he moves to the next. Tried to start his own investment bank but failed as he had no track record of previous success

Caroline Lucas - CEO at the FCA. Thinks it is a crime how companies make profit. Thinks UK audit industry is awful and has given FTSE 100 audits to Habib’s Chartered Accountancy on Ilford High St

Jeremy Hunt - Ex Managing Director of US based activist hedge fund. Used to buy sizeable stakes in companies, fire half the workforce and then sell at 20% premium. Currently searching for a job as his old boss called him cunt by accident

David Cameron - Ex partner at McKinsey. Fired after he signed off on the biggest corporate scandal the UK has seen. Shareholders are still arguing and hoping for another vote soon. Can be found at a festival in Bristol smoking a cigarette

Keir Starmer - Ex ESG Fund manager who took up role as Head of CSR Investment at Shell. Convinced the management board he would increase investments in renewable energy but instead financed the biggest oil exploration in the Amazon rainforest ever