My dating life is a fucking shit show, man. Like when people are like why have you been single for so long i tell them stories like what just happened to me 20 minutes ago...

Been seeing a guy for like a month and everything is great and beautiful and I’m like oh this is gonna be serious. So exciting right? No. So we go out and mind you hes in is THIRTIES.

All night im like “wow you’re drinking a lot you should probably slow down” and he’s like “no im good this doesn’t even affect me” and I’m like “oh what a masculine dude.” WRONG.

So finally I’m like time to go home, so we get home and he doesn’t seem good but I keep asking and he’s like no im good im good. And me believing a fucking early 30s man im like yeah he knows his limits.

So we get home and we get into bed and he rolls over and I hear THAT sound erupt from the bowels of his fucking soul. And he VOMITS all over my wall. This dudes head doesn’t even move off the pillow. And I’m like hello get the fuck up and he’s like “I’m fine”

And im like “no.. you just puked all over my fucking wall” and he goes “oh shit” like he’s fucking SURPRISED and has no idea he just fucking did that. So I eventually get him to the bathroom. And this is where you would think the story would be over... but this is my dating life

So of course it only gets worse from here. I get the bathroom all set up and he decides to sit on the toilet with a bucket rather than sit on the floor to puke. And I’m like.. to each their own I suppose. But I KNEW I should have corrected this

As im coming back from the kitchen with the wash cloth to start washing my fucking wall and my mattress I watch this guy projectile vomit all over my bathroom wall... WHILE he’s holding the bucket I gave him.

Much time later he claims he’s finally ready for bed and at this point im over it and im like “get into bed I’ll be there in a few” and I go into my living room to sleep. And I HEAR this guy leaving. So this part is just the cherry on top....

Im yelling at him to get back into the apartment and I look down and dude.... some how I fucking called my mom. So she’s listening to me yell at this dude that she doesn’t know at 2am to get back inside. So a while later I had to call my mom and explain to her everything

So when people are like.. “why have you been single for so long” I tell them stories like this one. Because I promise this is NOT my only dating experience like this one