I'm reading Dracula for the first time and trying r e a l l y hard not to livetweet the experience because my GOD this book must have fuckin slapped if you read back before "Dracula" was synonymous with "vampire"
Yooo three vampire broads just ate a kidnapped child this book is a WILD ride
Dracula is gay and absolutely in love with Johnathan Harker send tweet
At the intersection of the "is dry as hell" and "Fuckin SLAPS" venn diagram are Popeye's biscuits and Bram Stoker's Dracula, send tweet [2]
Popeye's biscuits are sf dry it's almost painful to swallow them but them lil bitches FYE as HELL so you keep going back for more even though yoir mouth feels like the sahara

Likewise, Bram Stoker's Dracula,
The three vampire broads: You have never loved, Dracula! You WILL never love! *jealous vampire broad hiss*
Dracula [meaningfully gazing at Johnathan]: I VILL love again! You VILL leave THIS one alone!!
Johnathan: if_u_love_me_let_me_go.mp3
I'm torn between hoping their love flourishes in the eternal twilight of mutual vampirism or that bb Johnathan gets out of this castle because holy lord lol he is NOT feeling it
Ok no I'm firmly on team Johnathan Escaping he was just there to do boring real-estate paperwork not be an enigmatic vampire's unrequited beau
Get out of there bb pls don't get ate by those vampire broads
Every new page of this book I'm just sitting here like
Ah yes now we get to a letter from Mina and the the writing is palpably simpler because ladies can't words I guess
Dhkdkdkfkg this shade because the woman Mina was writing to wrote back with MUCH better command on the english language so I guess Bram's just trying to tell us that ole girl is simple 💀
'My dear mina, why are men so noble when we women are so little worthy of them?' Bram Stoker I will exhume your corpse and slap the shit out of it for making me read such foolishness
A literal vampire crawling down the side of a derelict castle like a lizard is genuinely more believable than the idea of a woman saying this to another woman like, lmfao my dude
(Lucy said this due to having to turn down an American man who is either a plantation owner or a cowboy if his written accent is any indication)
Update: he's talking about campfires and just called stories "yarns" so definitely a cowboy
...Bear with me
Lucy is in love with (and now engaged to) some dude named Arthur, who is evidently... long-time bffs with the cowboy who just proposed marriage to Lucy?
I can lowkey already see them assembling the party that will unravel the mysteries and storm Castle Dracula (literally called that in the book btw) but... wow is this certainly a choice in ways to get that ball rolling

Both are described as being tall and having curly hair and now I'm SUS
Nope Arthur is just regular degular and I'm just a little drunk
I'M BACK(ula)
Mina's writing in her journal so beautifully that I've come to two conclusions: Johnathan's editorial voice is an overwrought goddamn slog and Lucy is the silly broad she was dumbing her writing down for
Like honestly imagine being a presumably straight woman at any time in history and thinking that you don't deserve men as a category because a literal cowboy was being a Nice Guy™ to you 💀 girl
Anyway Mina is enjoying her time on some beautiful provincial hillside and getting life advice from an old sailor that I have to keep reminding myself isn't Captain Ahab because classics don't work like the MCU
Oh my god I am OBSESSED with Fake Ahab (who still doesn't have a name which is a CRIME)
He talks like a pirate and Aint Afraid Of No Ghosts and I soooo hope they eventually bring him along to fight an actual factual vampire
Fake Ahab is Mr. Swales and I honestly think Bram just got blasted on sherry or something before writing out his dialogue

Even Mina's like "gurl tf are you saying rn"
Oh my god how did it escape my notice that this entire scene is taking place in a damn graveyard
Why is this book so fucking goth
Mr. Swales is seriously sitting in a graveyard with two hunnies and his old ass friends talking shit about the dead and telling their business like he doesn't give a single fuck, when I say I STAN
Meanwhile in less cheery settings than a graveyard full of disrespectful ass old people, Dr. Seward is watching a man pluck flies out of the air and eat them
Cool thanks I love it*

*: I do not love it
So this dude who ate a fly had been feeding his fly collection to spiders after Dr. Seward was like "dude wtf is with the flies" and then feeding the spiders to sparrows after Dr. Seward was like "dude wtf is with thr spiders," right
Fly dude then begged for a cat and Dr. Seward, being a human being with sense, was like "...no"


Fly dude's name is Renfield but I'm just going to continue calling him fly dude because my god wtf
Dr. Seward sees all of this and is like "Wow what a murderous maniac, sure wish I could cut off his head and root around in his brain! Damn ethics laws."

...ok dude
Lucy girl I know you stan men for some reason but you dodged a bullet here
Omg and BACK TO MINA having a dark conversation with Mr. Swales about how he smells death in the air and jokes about dead people because he's about to die of old age himself, just regular cheery shit to tell someone worried that their fiance is lost in Transylvania
This book is like being slapped across the face in different directions every two pages
The dead dude who tied himself to the captain's wheel (idk what the real terminology is I'm not a boat scholar) was also clutching a rosary, which I have come to recognize as a signal that supernatural fuckery is about to be afoot
Oh and his ship was filled with nothing but huge boxes filled with grave dirt? Like the one Jonathan found Dracula sleeping in during one of his numerous and unsuccessful escape attempts? Cool cool cool I love it*
Oh cool and some kind of demon wolf jumped out of the ship and is now murdering people's dogs so that's nice
Reading the captain's account of the weird shit that happened to turn this normal ship into a ghost ship is genuinely unsettling in a way I'm actually impressed by and won't spoil, like goddamn Bram you managed not to make it goofy
Like imagine being on the open ocean in a contained vessel and *something* is picking off your crew one by one. The only things on board, beknownst to you, are yourselves and huge boxes filled with dirt.
No thank youuuuu this is why I don't fuck with boats like that tbqh!! Nope!!
Omg that was so chilling dear lord

Also why has no one thought to question the dude who had a bunch of huge wooden boxes full of dirt delivered to him, in England, where there is already plenty of dirt

So Lucy's been sleepwalking and coincidentally the same evening they get a visitor who refuses dinner she sleepwalks out to the graveyard in the middle of the night and almost gets got by what is undoubtedly a vampire
"Oh he was so noble to not have drained me of my lifeblood and murdered me, men are truly so much more than we lowly women deserve"

-Lucy the next morning, probably
Lucy's mother's heart is weakening and "one great shock" would be enough to kill her, I'm sure this will end well
Oh my god???
Did Lucy just... is she a Vampire Broad now
SHE'S NOT (at least I don't think) but now Mina has to go to Transylvania to "tend to Jonathan" (read: probably take his place) because he's "ill" (read: probably dead) and oooh girl please do not
!!!!!!!! HE ESCAPED
Ok I need to feed my cat who is yelling at me ceaselessly and go to bed
Oh cool Fly Dude escaped as well I super love that*
Wait there's an actual place called Carfax? Lmfao they must be so mad about carfax dot com
Oooooh oh no and Fly Dude is very loudly being super gay for Dracula rn

Does he not know that his master's heart belongs to... another
(i'm talking about Jonathan Dracula loves Jonathan)
Aaaaaand back to Mina! Who is with the traumatized shell of her soon to be husband
Nun: He was recalling such horrid and ungodly things that I dare not repeat, but rest assured that what troubles him is not the attentions of another woman

Mina: sis do you SEE ME I aint worried about no damn sidepiece
Aww they got married in the hospital! It's equal parts cute and deeply depressing
Lucy: "Arthur says I am getting fat."

Ok two things. 1:
That cowboy would NEVER have done you like the what the FUCK
2: Is she uh

You know

We're now back to Fly Dude who is currently chained to a padded wall and bound in a straight jacket because the true horror of this book is the treatment of the mentally ill
Cool and he escaped again, to the derelict mansion next door to the asylum!

Did I forget to mention that said derelict mansion is the same one Dracula kidnapped Jonathan to inquire about purchasing because it is
Lucy's trying to journal now because she feels so sick and keeps being bitten in the night by Bat Dracula, who I'm now convinced somehow got her pregnant with his vampire baby
Oh wow and in a stunning display of tone deafness Arthur's wack ass is asking Dr. Seward, a psychologist, to assess the physical health of the woman who a) he loves and b) turned him down for Arthur
Dr. Seward, a psychologist: *takes one look at the sickly pale and lethargic Lucy* Yep the problem's definitely her brain
This is why you don't send a psychologist that's in love with his patient to do a physician's job Arthur you complete goddamn doofus
Oh my GOD

It has come to my own attention that I got Van Helsing confused with D from Vampire Hunter D and now feel INTENSELY foolish so moving on l-lol
Damn Van Helsing is like literally every form of doctor that a person can possibly be
Ok and with this talk from Van Helsing about Arthur sucking bacteria from one of his wounds I'm left wondering which one of his male friends he *hasn't* fucked
...Did not realize that The (Daily) Telegraph was old enough to be mentioned by name in this old ass novel but with a name like The Telegraph I suppose I shouldn't be surprised
I wonder if it sucked ass back then too
Van Helsing joins the ever increasingly long line of male characters in this book that have fallen in love with Licy
Like... damn girl
Ah yes and now the fly-eating asylum patient with multiple escape attempts under his belt is left in a room to eat flies in peace with the window open
"I wish I could get some glimpse of his mind!" Dr. Seward your literal SINGLE job is to do that, like... have you considered just asking him, maybe
There have been so many pages since the last instance of supernatural fuckery and my soul yearns for it like the deserts miss the rain

Istg all old men are the same person
I've made the executive decision to read all of his dialogue in a thick German accent and it has made this literary journey MUCH goofier for some reason
Now everyone's talking about giving Lucy a blood transfusion but like... not a single one of these multiple doctors in the room have mentioned blood types
Have those... been discovered yet

Cause like they're kinda important for a blood transfusion
You mean to fucking tell me that this broad has been ill for damn well a month and presumably complaining about her sore ass throat this whole time and it took an ACCIDENT of her neck-ribbon moving for any of these dudes to even LOOK at it?
Didn't think I'd run into that whole thing of doctors not listening to their female patients' concerns in a book about vampires but here the fuck we are I guess
Doesn't Dracula realize that if he keeps drinking the same woman that she'll like, die

Like I know she's fine or whatever but damn dude there are other people in london to accost in the night
AGAIN I am sad that I didn't read this when it was released (but not really because fuck the victorian period) because this scene where Van Helsing gives Lucy garlic flowers to wear must have been fucking BONKERS to read back then, not knowing shit about vampires
Like back then it must have added to the suspense but in the the year of our Lord twenty nineteen I'm just like "I mean duh of course he would"
Considering that, I really like this subtle callback to Jonathan's mentioning that the townsfolk had given him garlic for protection when he went to see the Count. If I didn't know wtf garlic meant to a vampire I'd be darkly curious to know where that went. (i do though, so)
Van Helsing: *rubbing garlic flowers all over a house to get garlic smell everywhere*

Dr. Seward, who doesn't know shit about vampires: Dude what the FUCK are you doing
Lucy just compared herself and her garlic to Ophelia lying in the river with a bouquet of abortion herbs and I could not *possibly* be more convinced that Drac is trying to knock her up
Garlic explanation below! https://twitter.com/teaberryblue/status/1189406745350811649?s=21
Yep and naturally Lucy's mom, who doesn't know shit about vampires or warding off evil in general, goes into her room, throws out the garlic and opens the window

Oh and they can't even say anything to her because one small excite will still evidently make her heart explode
Van Helsing is crying into his hands in frustration at this and honestly, same
*cracks knuckles* HELLO
I won't be able to read for super long on account of having a hot date tonight BUT i'll squeeze in as much vampiric fuckery as I can before my very-much-not-a-vampire girlf shows up
"THE ESCAPED WOLF" oh jeeze preemptive rip to the townsfolk involved in whatever new hell this shit is
"You'll excoose me refoosin' to talk of perfeshunal subjects afore meals" Brahm you're killing me with these fucking accents my man
I know this is the Victorian age but what in the hell makes a person logically think that beating animals over the head is how to get in their good graces
Oh he's old and spinning a yarn from personal experience, I see

Istg all old men are the same person [2]
Also I can't believe I'm siding with an animal-beating zookeeper here but tbqh I, too, would tell someone to go to hell if they were bothering me about work shit before I've had dinner like, feed me or fuck off
"You can't trust wolves no more nor women" hey zookeeper turn on ye olde locatione I just wanna talk
"Keeper, these voolves seem upset at something" Dracula bitch IT'S YOU THEY'RE UPSET AT MY BITCH
Kfkfkkfkg tthe zookeeper and I are clearly of a mind (about things other than animal handling I do NOT beat up animals) because he just said the same shit 💀
Literally this man just obliquely threatened to throw Dracula to the wolves while calling him a bag of bones is there a SINGLE old person in this book with even a SINGLE fuck to give
Wait a second was Dracula just like, out fucking around at a zoo harassing wolves in the middle of the fucking day
"It seems to me that 'ere wolf escaped - simply because he wanted to get out" sir this is a wolf how in the fuck did it bend metal bars to make its break for freedom
"Lol my escaped wolf might eat someone's baby if they left it out" sir do you not see how this is kind of a problem
Oh the wolf came back! What a non-story but now we know Dracula is pet shopping I guess
I also really like that Dr. Seward presumably just stopped fucking with fly dude despite his numerous escape attempts, another thing I'm sure will end well
Oh lol and speak of the devil here he is stabbing Dr. Seward now
Oh cool and he's just drinking Seward's spilled blood how totally normal and fine
Oh no it's the escaped wolf!! That's why he had glass shards in his head omg poor baby
Also lord in heaven will this be the One Great Fright™ that does Lucy's mom in

Omg Lucy's Mom: ???? - 189? Rest in peace u will be dearly missed
AND WITH THAT i have a hot date to get going on 💖
Remember how I said I went on a hot date yesterday? We're broken up now
Anyway let's find out wtf is up with this whole entire wolf that Dracula somehow yeeted into what I'm assuming is a second story window
Oh my god her mom died on TOP of her what the FUCK
It's an honest shame that mental healthcare in the victorian era was the hellscape that it was because dear fuck do basically all of these characters desperately need some therapy
Anyway, the wolf that fucking pole vaulted into Lucy's room must have politely seen itself out while the maids were drinking drugged wine because now it's howling outside of her window and making her scared to leave which, same
It's the next morning and Seward and Van Helsing are breaking into Lucy's house with a Bone Saw that Van Helsing just happened to keep on hand for... impromptu surgeries, I guess? Doctors back then were wilin evidently
AH ok that makes waaay more sense https://twitter.com/jewishlawyerlib/status/1190049098331607041?s=21
Van Helsing tells Seward to wake up the drugged maids with water and he does, but he admonishes them and doesn't let them talk as they're sobbing through their trauma and I want to reach through this book and slap him
Like imagine hearing a loud crash at work, running to do your job and seeing a fucking WHOLE ENTIRE WOLF running around while the corpse of one of your bosses is smothering the other, having some wine at her insistence after all of that, and GETTING DRUGGED.
And then you get woken up by some goofy ass psychologist who can't even have the decency to let you freak out about that for a sec? Biiiiitch I would be so piiiiiiised

I'm reading this interaction between Seward and the Cowboy and the only thing that's missing is a string quartet rendition of Careless Whisper playing in the background
This book is so unintentionally fucking gay and I live for every second of it
Van Helsing Please Just Tell People Wtf Is Going On challenge
Literally cancel the rest of these men The Cowboy has been here for like four and a half seconds and has already deduced half of what's been going on
And he's telling Seward so that he can get more information! We stan a communicative king

also fucking take notes Seward you need to get good
Dkdlkfkgk also I know that Cowboy's talking about a literal bat that drained his horse of blood (probably) but I'm dying at the idea of an American Dracula just flapping around and wreaking havoc
I'm trying to think of what his goofy American analogue name would be and only coming up with Drake which


It doesn't *not* fit
Seward's marveling over the abundant amounts of manhood the Cowboy has. *string quartet Careless Whisper rendition intensifies*
Oh No

Lucy noooooo
"How is your dear mother getting on" oh Mina are you in for a Great Shock™
For the amount of care this asylum is taking to make sure fly dude doesn't escape they may as well have just left his ass outside
"He has had another outbreak" bruh you left him in a room with an open window tf did you think was going to happen
Wow jesus christ everybody's parental figures are dying I guess, R.I.P in peace Mr. Hawkins
Also I love that in basically any other novel a man dying shortly after he willed his vast fortune to a pair of struggling 20-somethings would arouse serious suspicion in the other characters but everyone else is too preoccupied with vampires and fly-eaters to give a shit
"Hey isn't it kinda weird that Mr. Hawkins died right after he promised Mina and Jonathan enough wealth to retire on?"

"Sure. You know what's weirder? Lucy has no blood. None. Not a drop of blood in that broad."
"You wanna hear weird? My other patient that I keep neglecting just escaped and beat the breaks off of three huge grown men!"
(Lol just kidding that would assume that any of these men shared information with eachother, which will never happen in a million years evidently)
Omg @ Van Helsing throwing Arthur around the room like a ragdoll to keep him from becoming a Vampire Himbo
Lucy (~voluptuously~): Arthur let's make out
Arthur: 👀💦
Van Helsing, apparently:
Goddammit now I can't stop imagining and hearing Van Helsing as Master Roshi, I played myself
"You forget that I am a lawyer as well as a doctor" Van Helsing is such a Mary Sue lol
Ok I could not IMAGINE being Dr. Seward's I-Don't-Know-Shit-Fuck-About-Vampires ass listening to Van Helsing talk about beheading and disemboweling the corpse of the woman he loves

Like it makes sense to me because I know shit fuck about vampires but Seward seems, well, simple
And on top of that simplicity also seems to knoe shit fuck all about vampires
W h e w Van Helsing begging for faith and cooperation from Seward so that he can chop off his crush's head without even so much as an explanation beyond "just trust me bro" is DRIPPING with irony
"Can't tell you why we have to excavate your love's still heart from her bosom dude u just gotta trust me"
Lmfao and naturally Seward's goofy ass is just like "Yeah sounds good dude"
And once again the unarticulated significance of yet another one of Van Helsing's anti-vampire charms is undone by yet another unsuspecting woman; if only there were some kind of way to ensure that more people understood the gravity of what he was doing
Like, for instance, taking to anyone in anything more concrete than a coy riddle
"In such cases [the funeral of the woman both he and his best friend/lover loved] men do not need much expression" I'm becoming increasingly convinced that psychology school in Victorian England consisted solely of snorting coke and just writing whatever into their dissertations
Like Seward your whole job is brains and that stupid shit just left your fingertips to make us all lesser for having read it
Van Helsing: Arthur bro I know you don't trust me because I'm super cryptic and do weird shit like rub garlic all over your house but
Van Helsing: Dude
Van Helsing: Bro
Van Helsing: You gotta trust me bro

Arthur: Yeah cool dude sounds legit
If only The Cowboy, an actual adult, were here to slap some sense into this conversation
With the way she described Lucy's beauty in detail and the way she's straight up talking about checking out a girl in big hat there is exactly a 0% chance that Mina is straight
(There's also a 0% that she wasn't secret girlfriends with Lucy like, """best friends""" GIRL WHATEVER I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS I'VE WATCHED SAILOR MOON)
This account of Jonathan legit ass having his PTSD triggered by running into Dracula (again in what seems to be the middle of the day, which is weird) is really accurately written so begrudging props to you Bram
I also love that Mina, a person in this story who is not one of the two actual psychologists, handles it way better than either of the actual psychologists would have
Van Helsing wtf you can't just randomly telegram somebody you don't even know to tell them that their Gal Pal™ died five days ago
My bad "the day before yesterday" but STILL THO
Oh my god Arth*r is on my shit list for stealing the Cowboy away from both Seward('s undeserving ass) and me, the reader
"If America can go on breeding men like that, she will be a power in the world indeed" Find you somebody who talks about you like Seward talks about his Cowboyfriend
Van Helsing: *breaking down crying and sobbing at having failed at every turn to save Lucy*
Seward: Bro you look like a little bitch stop crying like a woman
It really cannot be overstated how little Seward deserves Quincy #FreeTheCowboyfriend
"I tried to be stern with him, as one is with a woman under the circumstances" it is not possible for me to articulate how fucking bad Seward is at psychology oh my g o d
So Van Helsing is laughing (while crying) at the idea that, due to Arthur saying they were truly wed the moment he gave her his blood, that he, Seward, Arthur and Cowboy are all in a polyandrous marriage now

And said this

...To Seward

.......A man who loves her
COOL and right after Lucy gets buried a mysterious lady appears and starts luring children away to drink their blood! What a wild coincidence wonder who that could be
Someone please hand the reigns (lol) of this story over to Mina and the Cowboy for actually being the two people who gather AND share information
Van Helsing: Oh, then you have a good memory for facts, for details? It is not always so with young ladies.

Mina *cracking her knuckles*: now bitch,
I just love how Van Helsing went into this conversation with Mina completely underestimating her and she near-immediately manipulated him into diagnosing her husband who has nothing whatsoever to do with his visit
WHEW LORD and then the good bitch straight up voluntold Van Helsing to come the fuck to breakfast and not to bother replying with his availability because he was coming to fucking breakfast
Mina Harker: why tf do people even try her
Oh wow and once again Jonathan's trauma is sensitively portrayed, but in a way that I sort of doubt Bram was referring to: the relief in recognizing gaslighting, and how damaging it is to be told again and again and again that your experiences are all in your head
It's like, aaaaallmost a critique of their psychiatric care

Anyway I stan Mina Harker and evidently Van Helsing does too because he's sitting here describing her as a woman fashioned by God's own hands to display the concept of heaven
That's not even a joke he literally did that
Mina: *breathes*
Van Helsing's thirsty ass: 👀💦💦💦
Van Helsing: Jonathan I have to ask you a favor, can yo-
Jonathan: Is it about the Count?
Van Helsing: Ye-
Jonathan: *sharpening an axe* I'm in
Van Helsing: we just buried this woman who I'm pretty sure is a vampire, better tell nobody about it!
Children: *get eaten*
Van Helsing: surprised_pikachu.jpg
It's Monday and I'M (actually) BACK (instead of rolling around town smooching my girlfriend and running scary games)
Dr. Seward: Dear Diary I regret to inform you that my patient that I've neglected for basically a month is still as crazy as ever
And immediately Van Helsing interrupts Seward being bad at his job to loudly be bad at his own job as well
Van Helsing: what do you think of these dead kids bro
Seward: ...It's tragically similar to Lucy's illness but why are you showing me this
Van Helsing: Don't you SEE bro
Seward: see... what...
I can't even call Seward a himbo for this one because I'd he the same way if I didn't know shit fuck about vampires and a man who'd been cagey since day one was having an internal weird-dude-at-his-conspiracy-board moment in front of me in realtime
Van Helsing: You just gotta OPEN YOUR MIND bro
Seward (internally): where is this man getting his weed from
Van Helsing: Why don't you believe in magic bro
Seward: Because I went to Victorian med school and was taught to demonize such silly womanly ideas BY YOU NO LESS
Again Bram (likely unintentionally) gets soooo close to making a legitimate criticism of the common ideas of medicine in that time period

Sooooo close
Fucking FINALLY Van Helsing tells Seward what tf is going on oh my god
Oh shit this might be the wine talking but I now not only totally understand Van Helsing's maddening opacity about this but I, too, trust him as though I, too, had once felt compelled to suck poison out of one of his wounds
Oh yeah no it's definitely partially the wine but HEAR ME OUT: he would have like IMMEDIATELY been thrown into an asylum for looking at Lucy and being like "Yep them there's some ding dang vampires"
ALSO, despite his secret Master Roshi strength, I can't imagine him saying that to the three strapping young men who love her (and eachother) without getting his old ass handed to him damn near immediately
I see u Van Helsing
Ooh girl not Seward quoting Lord Byron directly

It's gay and I love it
There are people more familiar than I with the goings on of Victorian England so please tell me: is it normal to gender a child as "it" when referring to them because it seems super weird
Especially when they're like, in the hospital room with said (conscious) child and interacting with them
This description of Lucy's tomb (where Seward and Van Helsing are ataying the night,) is so fucking goth and beautiful abd I MUST draw it
"Ataying" shut up wine
Van Helsing originated "cracking open a cold one with the boy(s)" when he broke into Lucy's family tomb with Seward and opened her coffin send tweet
"The only thing this proves is that her body's not in the coffin" Seward you fucking himbo just trust Van Helsing
You'd already been doing it up to this point with MUCH less proof so why stop now omg
Omg Van Helsing a random child running around a graveyard at night is not proof of vampirism that you can just throw around without some form explanation, especially not after having your kouhai sitting in the cold behind a grave all night
Like highkey he would have caught these Van Hands
And now they have this child that they're now reaponsible for and have to get somewhere safe without arousing the suspicion of police or like, any passerby with basic observational skills and common sense
Also I feel like there are easier ways to do this? Like why not pay a child a shilling or something to lure out the Bloofer Lady, it's Victorian England and unless Dickens lied to us there should be street urchins on every corner hustling to sweep chimneys and shit
Lucy's back in the extremely goth home of her coffin and certified himbo John Seward is like "Nah nope just tricks and hijynx bro" to Van Helsing, who is literally at this time showing him her vampire teeth and being like "DUDE"
"She's clearly still in a trance and means no genuine harm so it's even more sad that I have to kill her now lol" Van Helsing your bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired
Van Helsing just called the Cowboy fine and like, accurate
And Van Helsing has the Cowboy's immediate trust, let's see how long that lasts lol
Oh my fucking god Van Helsing just steaight up asked Arthur if he could break into his late wife's tomb and cut the head off of her corpse

Somewhere a monkey's paw curled down one wrinkled finger when I was shouting to twitter that I wanted Van Helsing to just say what's going on because MY GOD
Arthur: I won't let you cut off my dead wife's head wtf!!!
Van Helsing: listen bro I just want you to be there while I do it ok
Omg and he just agreed to it

If they'd listened to believed Lucy talking about her neck hurting with the same fervor we may not even be here rn
Bram wrote this Cowboy in a way that's impossible not to fall in love with and now I'm wondering what American dude he had a crush on and wrote hamfistedly into this novel
Did Van Helsing just use fucking eucharist dough to plug up the entrance of the tomb like a door snake
This book is so fucking bonkers
Fkkfkg and now they all finally see Lucy as a Vampire Broad and are horrified not because she literally just ate a child in front of them but because she's now sexy and voluptuous and clearly fucks I guess
Also no one is ever allowed to make fun of teen girls using "orbs" to describe eyes in their fanfic again because here I am reading one of the Classics™ and Bram Stoker just did that exact same shit
Girls the next time someone gives you shit for that just be like "Well if it's good enough for Bram Stoker..." flip your hair/the bird and keep writing your goofass fanfic
Also if you're young enough for any of that to still apply to you probably stop reading my twitter lol
Someone a while ago commented that if I took a drink every time Bram described something as "voluptuous" that I'd die of alcohol poisoning and that was NOT a lie
Van Helsing: Hey Arthur
Van Helsing: you remember how you were all upset about the idea of me cutting off your late wife's head
Van Helsing: Can I do it no-
I can't imagine how fucking wild it must have been to watch Van Helsing, a doctor, pull increasingly threatening and large implements out of his doctor's bag that he was planning to use to murder your undead late wife in her (un?)sleep
Like imagine going out into the woods with your dental school professor to catch bigfoot and he says that he needs to cut out bigfoot's heart and pulls out a sledgehammer to do it

And also imagine that bigfoot is your girlfriend
Anyway what I'm saying is that I feel for Arthur rn
This staking scene is incredibly cinematic, and by "cinematic" I mean "is extremely bloody"
Oh damn actual r.i.p Lucy u will b dearly missed
Wait if Arthur kisses her bloodied lips after she's been staked, he won't turn into a vampire right

Because that seems like quite a risk to take to *checks notes* kiss a corpse
Does Seward fucking LIVE in the asylum he works at because what the FUCK
Mina: you fucking weirdo were you talking to yourself
Seward: i was recording my diary on this phonograph!
Mina: oh cool, can you play your account of how Lucy died? I might be able to help
Seward: 👀💦
Mina: what
Sweard: 👀💦💦💦
Mina: WHAT bitch
Seward (lying): I can't because there's no way to pick out a larticular part of the record to listen to!!
Mina: then let me transcribe it you lying ass bitch
Mina Harker: why tf to people even try her [2]
💀 and the very first ting she does after verbally bullying Seward into letting her listen to his diary is be nosy about how he reacted to Lucy's rejection
Seward describing how he hasn't let himself cry throughout the multiple horrifying ordeals he's been through yet again underscore that the real villain of this book is the stigma around mental illness and healthy expressions of emotion
Like they could all be dealing with 20 draculas (draculae?) and it wouldn't matter nearly as much if any of these characters had a psychologist or therapist worth the paper their diploma was written on
Unfortunately that doesn't exist in the Victorian era tho womp womp
Mina: I'm sorry your heart got broke dude
Seward: Thanks
Mina: But I transcribed everything and we need to let people kno-
Seward: NO
Mina: Ok here's wtf is NOT going to happen so long as I'm here: this stupid ass useless ass cagey shit
I love reading Seward's budding new crushes on different men because he's very clearly falling for Jonathan after having read his journal
Seward has realized through piecing together three separate journals that Fly Dude's outbursts coincided with proximity to Dracula, leading me to wonder what this book would have been like if Seward had at any point just asked Fly Dude who his master was and recorded the answer
You know, like an actual psychologist would
"Take no chances" is an Americanism apparently the_more_u_kno.gif
I love Jonathan's nerd ass turning amateur investigative journalist
I also love these worker dudes talking about how ~hot~ and ~thirsty~ they were moving all of the wooden boxes and how much better they would have felt with a ~strapping young gent~ like Jonathan around

Somewhere in the distance the string rendition of Careless Whisper is BLARING
Sexy Construction Workers: Oh if only you were around to ~quench~ our ~~thirst~~ Jonathan
Jonathan: I uh
Jonathan: I gotta go
He may be the only straight man in this novel tbqh and I may only be left with this impression because he's not close to any of the other men in this book
Cowboy: Well Miss Mina I heard a' you from ol' Van Helsing tootin' your horn
Mina: Speak English please
Also I love that she wrote "blowing my trumpet" because it's so wrong and exactly how a stuffy English woman would misremember an Americanism
Anyway my husband the Cowboy was right Van Helsing sure was tootin that there horn
Omg Mina is literally sitting here consoling Arthur on a couch while he cries and is officially the best psychologist in this book full of extremely terrible psychologists
And now all of these men are (reasonably and understandably and rightfully) smitten with Mina, who has therapized almost all of them while Seward's himbo ass is scolding them for daring to show an emotion sometimes
Fly Dude just ate all of the flies and spiders in his cell again to "tidy it up" for Mina and I hate Seward for letting this progress untreated and hate Fly Dude for making me read about the nasty shit he keeps doing
Fly dude is talking to Mina about how he gleaned that Seward was looking to get married and Seward accounts this to "some rare gift or power" on Mina's part

Seward it's called empathy
Lmfao and in like 4.25 seconds Mina accomplished what Seward couldn't do in four months: get Fly Dude to explain why tf he kept eating flies
Sewards patients to Seward after they so much as hear Mina breathe
Anyway Fly Dude is eating flies because he thinks that ending their lives through consumption adds to his own, which is... genuinely bonkers
Van Helsing Stop Falling In Love With Mina She's Married And Way Too Young For You Challenge
Is Van Helsing deadass going to dismiss the most competent member of his vampire fighting team because she's a woman
I just CANNOT BELIEVE that Bram allowed the himbos of this story to run the show like my DUDE
What's supposed to be the thrilling recount of months of accumulated data comes off as an expository deluge when you already know everything he's going to say
"He" being Van Helsing, who is now, finally, describing vampires in detail
Omg and, true to his American heritage, the cowboy accidentally shoots into the house his friends are in and narrowly avoids killing one of them
Oh my fucking god of course he was trying to SHOOT A BAT
Cowboy I know America is a mess but PLEASE at least keep it together in front of company
Also there's a -0% chance that bat isn't Dr*cula so tbqh good going Cowboy it's more than anyone else would have done
Oh my fucking god
Van Helsing JUST got finished explaining that one of Dracula's many powers was to turn into a bat, Cowboy sees a bat, goes outside to shoot it, TELLS EVERYONE that the bat was just sitting there on the windowsill listening, and Van Helsing's just like "Wow how weird, moving on"
"I know that dracula can turn into a bat and we just had a weird bat-related incident at this, the meeting where we lay out all our plans to kill dracula, but following that bat is less important than talking about these boxes full of dirt ok"
And he IMMEDIATELY one-ups this already stunning display of incompetence by firing Mina because she's not manly enough
Van Helsing: We are men but we need you to stay home and give us something to fight for
Mina (internally): Go to Van Hell
Omg Refield I'm using your real name because I feel so bad for him rn: he just wants to talk to his DOCTOR and Seward decides now is as good a time as any to bring his cadre of himbo boyfriends (And the Cowboy, who is not a himbo) along with him
Could you fucking imagine sitting in the therapist's office and he shows up with three complete randos, all of whom you're pretty sure have fucked, along with him to observe
Now that I say that "aloud" I'm pretty confident that this definitely still happens in some inpatient settings and just bummed myself out
#debbiedowner jeezy creezy ANYWAY
"It never occurred to me to introduce a madman in an asylum but he seemed so dignified and composed that I decided to treat him like a human being" Seward I want to fashion a bat from the concept of empathy and beat you to a pulp with it
Ok no Renfield gets his name back because he really is That Bitch for treating every other named character better than Seward WHILE SEWARD IS STANDING RIGHT THERE we stan a petty king
"...I take to witness that I am as sane as at least the majority of men who are in full possession of their liberties," Renfield says, glaring holes into Dr. Seward
I feel like even Renfield is more competent than Dr. Seward at this point, like shit
I never thought the concept at being bad at different accents could translate to the page but here I am, somehow reading a poorly imitated American accent
Also the thing that's straining my suspension of disbelief in this book, where a vampire shrinks down to the size of a grain of rice to fit through a crack in a tomb door, is the idea that multiple people would be able to recall conversations verbatim in their diaries
Like Mina? Of course she could. SEWARD though? Girl bye
Oh my god I know what the little silver whistle that Arthur pulled out does (because a friend convinced me to even start reading this book with a description of how it's used) and I SO wish I didn't already know that because a whistle as a solution to rats is SO bonkers
Arthur: there might be a lot of rats where we're going but I have a secret weapon *pulls out whistle*
Everyone else: ???¿¿??¿ ¿?¿¿ ¿¿ ¿ ? ¿?
Mad props to Jonathan for not immediately having a panic attack upon entering Dracula's new digs because I tell you what it could NOT be me
CONFIRMED: Dracula has halitosis evidently
Jonathan: That overpoweringly nasty funk you're smelling? That's Dracula's breath
Jonathan: It just is ok and don't ask me how I know that
Oh my god Dracula may or may not have just shown up behind them while they were checking out the boxes and I CANNOT BELIEVE that I just got jump scared by a fucking BOOK
So the sanctuary they're in is completely flooded with hypnotized rats and Arthur, the only one not flipping a tit, calmly pulls out a whistle

And blows

And there are barks in the distance as THREE RAT TERRIERS run through the church and start fucking up the rats
The fact that no one up to this point had questioned him about why he was bringing a whistle to a rat swarm fight fucking boggles my mind
I really can't stand the weird paternalistic circlejerk all of the male characters but Jonathan get into when they start talking about how much better off Mina will be being left in the dark, it's like they're patting themselves on the backs for being idiots
Bram Stoker Talk To A Woman Before You Try To Write One Challenge
(Challenge clearly failed)
Oh god poor Renfield is praying as loud as he can to save Mina presumably and yet again is foiled by the fuckshit mental health establishment in victorian england
Also this scene is genuinely kinda freaking me out, it's just so soaked in dread
"One of the children went off with a penny to buy an envelope and a sheet of paper, and to keep the change" English currency baffles me
Lmao not Dracula moving his undead friends into their new haunted digs like we move our buddy's couches
I love that Jonathan's journal has just turned into a noir novel where he's rolling around town paying people for information about his femme fatale Dracula
Jonathan: Hey who bought this house
Property seller: I don't speak to lessers
Jonathan: Oh my apologies, I forgot to give you my card, denoting me as the owner of a large real-estate company and also slightly above your own station
Jonathan: Bitch
TRULY the only man in this book that deserves Mina
"I can't believe I have to LOWER myself to the state of a LUNATIC by asking him WHY HE DOES THINGS ugh" Seward please quit your day job I'm literally begging you
"I thought I could enter his mind as well as I could" shut up Seward you aren't Spock
(Who, for the record, is a beautiful and complex Vulcan angel who would have at least tried to talk to Reinfield and also would have solved this in three seconds SORRY I really just had to take a moment and stan)

Seward's whole approach with Renfield seems to consist either of callous disregard or purposely antagonizing him to make him unstable and it is fucking baffling that he considers this a ethical method of study
It is for this and many other reasons that I wish I could slap the Victorian period across the mouth
Dkkdkgkg Things I Learned: "over the counter" was rough and tumble slang back then evidently
So Cowboy and the Himbos are beginning to enact their plan to kill Dracula and Van Helsing decides that just being a fucking wizard is the right way to go I guess
Like he's so concerned about the Lord and being Catholic and shit but here he is, going to the British Museum to learn abojt demon curses like it's some kind of offbrand ass Hogwarts
Omg Renfield wtf why are you lying in a pool of your own blood please get up
So Renfield is just sitting in his cell minding his own business and somebody just beats the whole entire shit out of him

And by somebody I clearly mean Dracula
Oh cool and now they're just doing a little casual brain surgery in a filthy room full of flies oh how I love health and safety standards
Are you fucking serious oh my fucking god
So they leave a dying Renfield on the ground in their haste to save Mina from Dracula, who is IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW, but when they get there THE COWBOY, who should KNOW BETTER, is like "oh but should we disturb her it seems rude"
"But won't it frighten her terribly?" bruh you deadass w/ this rn
Ok so I'm reading this scene where Team Himbo breaks into Jonathan and Mina's room and describes Dracula drinking her blood and while I'm sure horror was the mood Stoker was trying to evoke here it just comes off as incredibly horny
"His right hand gripped her by the back of the neck, forcing her face down on his bosom"
Oh my god Bram just described Dracula's nostrils as "quivering" and I can't stop laughing

What would that even look like
I'm sorry but the idea of a being as strong as Dracula being warded off by a dry ass communion cracker is SENDING me
I'm deciding that his repulsion is because he's gluten free send tweet
Anyway Van Helsing Stop Being A Cockblock Challenge
Oh god DAMN
I didn't think that scene could manage to get HORNIER but HERE IT IS DOING THAT
YES at Jonathan taking one look at his Vampire Broad wife and being like "Nah fuck Victorian decency politics ilu bb"
"Our hope now is in knowing all" Van Helsing you goofy dumbass that was your hope this whole fucking time
Damn @ Dracula burning all the receipts
RIP in Peace Renfield "Fly Dude" um, Renfield, may u have many fly snacks in wherever the hell your troubled soul ends up
Yep Mina's describing what happened to her and it's still VERY horny
I read so many lemons that had scenes exactly like this in middle school
(For those wondering what a lemon is: it is a citrus fruit and absolutely nothing else don't pry)
For some reason the revelation of Dracula having a checkbook is making me lose my shit

I'm just imagining him at Bed Bath and Beyond buying bulk red wine glasses and pulling out his checkbook as the checkout line trailing behind him groans in irritation
"Vaht?? I vant to use my coupons!!!"
Van Helsing's just sitting here casually dropping learned advice about how to break into houses with no one noticing and i'm left wondering what kind of life he led before he dedicated his future to being a lifelong nerd
Biiiiiitch this story Van Helsing's recounting is fucking WILD like a dude went off on vacation and some other guy pretended to be him to change the locks, sell all of the man's stuff at auction, sell his house AND THEN TEAR THE SHIT DOWN
So then they guy comes back and is just like ???????¿¿¿¿¿??¿¿¿?????¿¿?¿?¿???¿?

Could you fucking IMAGINE?
Van Helsing just made a joke about Dracula having the itis from having drunk Mina not but like three hours ago and is sitting here surprised that she had an emotional reaction

I hate Victorian psychologists
Oh NO they tried to protect Mina with the Eucharist and it burned her skin :C MY BB
Bram's really subtle about vampirism in this book being a metaphor for wanton (homo)sexuality, wow
That was sarcasm he's currently beating me over the head with it
Wait did Jonathan just internally vow to turn into a vampire himbo if Mina winds up having to stay a vampire broad
Oh my god we stan a dedicated husband
Aw man I was really hoping that Van Helsing would say that the only way to sterilize holy earth is through sullying it with debauchery but noooo he's just going to make it even MORE holy like the fuckin nerd he is
Jonathan's diary is always such a fun read because it feels like every entry is a different genre
Right now it's a heist movie and I'm LOVING it
Wow gotta love how having a fancy title and enough money makes it possible to break into people's houses without facing any consequences
Wait Jonathan went grey from stress in a DAY? How??
There must be a complicated German word for the deflated excitement of reaching what feels like it should be an endgame fight when there's clearly still like 75 pages of book left
Did Dracula deadass just "I'm Mr. Steal Your Girl" these five men
Mina, presumably in some sort of daze because this is silly as hell: Be nice to Dracula because he's ~hurting too and when they go low ~we go high~
Jonathan: Are you fr rn when they go low we kick them in the fucking kneecaps
Mina, who I apologize to because her logic makes sense now: bruh you realize that I might be a vampire too right
Mina: and might run into a ragtag group of friends in the future too right
Mina: and they might try to kill me too right
Mina: so like
Mina: be nice bitch
This book has gotten distractingly religious
Omg not Mina using the blood bond she was forced into to spy on Dracula and have him killed, what kind of mafia wife shit
Mina Fucking Harker: why the FUCK does ANYONE try her
Ong did Dracula just mail himself back to Transylvania
I might actually finish this book today goddamn
Oh my god Mina recounting Van Helsing recounting this sailor cussing Dracula tf out is incredibly hard to parse considering that somewhere in this game of literary telephone someone replaced all of the "bloodys" with "with blood"
Make it make sense please
Anyway just based on the sheer ferocity with which this sailor told Dracula to fuck off I'm assuming he's yet another Old with not even a drop of respect for foolishness left in him
Preemptive rip to everyone on that boat because there's basically no chance he won't start picking off the crewmembers one by one
The characterization of beheading Lucy and stuffing her mouth with garlic shortly after driving a stake through her heart as "redemption" is really something else

you're better off dead than horny I guess
Van Helsing: wouldn't it be dope if there were vampires, but like, Godly vampires instead of Satanic ones
The gays (ie: everyone else) in the room:
The Victorian-ness of this novel is honestly oppressive and I wish Bram Stoker would have just let Mina fuck without making it rapey and beating us over the head with how ~unclean~ she now is as a result
Van Helsing: It'll take 3 weeks for the count to finish delivering himself to Transylvania because it's the Victorian age and travel is a horror show so we'll have lots of time to arm ourselve-
The Cowboy, an American: Hey are we bringing guns we should bring guns
Did the U.S always have this reputation of being the place where the guns be at because lol if so
Anyway the Cowboy is EXTREMELY ready to just shoot the fuck out of some wolves
"I thought that now was the time for Van Helsing to warn him not to disclose our plans to her, but he took no notice" yeah maybe because you thought it instead of saying it with your words you goofy bitch
And once again Mina has to do the work that Cowboy and the Himbos are to incompetent to do themselves

Namely communicating anything at all to the people who need to know things
Too* jeezy creezy
FUCK YES Mina's coming with them

I know they won't give her a gun but I hope they give her a gun
Oh yikes look at me being American
"I grasped [the Cowboy's] hand instinctively and found it as firm as a piece of steel" Jonathan Harker is no longer the only straight character in this, a book with no straight characters
"I think he understood my look. I hope he did." Omg Jonathan you fucking bisexual disaster
Also I take back my scoffing at the idea of Vampires: But Make It Godly because I'm now convinced that Quincy "The Cowboy" Morris is one such creature

everyone who so much as looks at him becomes gay/bi which is obviously the work of a loving God
Woooooow Mina's pleading that all the men kill her lest she live on as a horny vampire are so weird and bad that I'm just going to pretend that Dracula is saying it
Imagine talking about people killing the women in their lives to save them from an oncoming army like it's a good thing
"This is the country where bribery can do anything" jonathan dude you literally spent a whole day paying people off for information so let's not
This scene with Mina and her associated himbos waiting on the ship Dracula's on that keeps getting delayed is giving me flashbacks to basically every time I've ordered something online ever
Bram Stoker: truly ahead of his time

How is it so late in the book with so many complications and tragedies caused by refusing to tell a woman something due to not wanting to upset her

And Seward and Van Helsing are STILL hiding things from Mina to try not to upset her
Bram Stoker we're fighting when I get to hell
Dkdlkfkg not Dracula botching his own delivery to avoid getting his ass beat 💀
Omg the Cowboy can only speak English and they're treating him like an embarrassing American tourist, so many stereotypes are hundreds of years old apparently
Well I guess "hundred" of years old because this was written in the 1890s
I wonder how this book would have gone if they didn't have a fabulously wealthy dude with a fancy title to get bureaucratic favors done for them
Mina using the powers of logic and deduction to outline out where Dracula is just shits on every single thing every single man in this book has done
Ugh I haaaaaaaaate the way they talk about God in this book like he's just as much of a villain as Dracula is for shunning her for something she had no say in
Yoooooooooooo oh nooooooooooooo
Is Mina just straight up a vampire bad bitch now
Van Helsing's like "well if she's gonna sleep all day then I'll stay awake all night" like he isn't the one driving the carriage while she's asleep during the day

Like dude when... will you sleep then
Omg wtf rip in peace to the horses
Meanwhile, Jonathan and Arthur are on what I think is some kind of primitive precursor to the motorboat and, like all motorboats, has now crapped out on then in the middle of nowhere
Wait so Van Helsing left Mina in a ring of Eucharist crumbs "to keep her safe" from vampires, which she can't cross because she's 3/4 vampire

And now he's hearing wolves while he's in Dracula's Castle and, knowing Mina can't escape, is like "Rip it bees like that sometimes"
Mina just go have fun with your vampire broad bffs they would NEVER do you like this
Omg and now Van Helsing is busy appraising the corpses of the three vampire broads while Mina's LITERALLY SCREAMING for help good going dude those titties are clearly more important than the life of your friend
Well at least Van Helsing is disgusted at himself for (un?)killing the three vampire broads because tbqh he should be
Did Jonathan just meanmug a small army of armed men into submission

Anyway they just ambushed a cart with a huge wooden box on it and I'm screaming internally at the idea of it just not even remotely being the box they're looking for

Imagine them opening it and finding like, clothes
Omg the EFFICIENCY of that murder was just *chef's kiss*
Rip in pieces Dracula you fugly bitch
RIP JONATHAN YOU WILL *ACTUALLY* BE MISSED (but not really because the book ends in like two pages lol)
Bram Stoker how fucking DARE you murder this paragon of manliness when Seward was RIGHT THERE
Omg Rip in Peace Quincy "The Cowboy" Morris I hope you rustle all the cattle you want in heaven
Aww Jonathan and Mina named their bb Quincy ;-;
Arthur and Seward are happily married, huh

3/5 stars; fascinating concept smothered under the oppressive weight of the Victorian period within which it was written and set
Wow that's it omg

THANK YOU for joining me on this journey! Tbqh I didn't think I'd be able to make it through a stuffy piece of ClAsSiCaL LiTeRaTuRe but being able to shout my bafflement to people who shared that bafflement was like a healing wafer atop my undead heart
Anyway i'm gonna go smooch my sweetie and YES I VILL READ A NEW BOOK SOON AH AH AH
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