The French Olympic logo tumbles out of bed on a Parisian morning. She tousles her messy bob, dons breton stripes and ballet flats and whisks down the stairs from her fifth-floor apartment to grab a baguette before enigmatically texting two men who are pursuing her romantically.

The French Olympic logo has an expresso and a cigarette for lunch. She hops on a vintage bicycle and pedals past the Eiffel Tower on her way to a café where she will sit and read Baudelaire with her fluffy white dog at her feet.

The French Olympic logo will never tell your her impeccable skin-care secrets.

The French Olympic logo would never be caught snacking in public.

The French Olympic logo's child does not have tantrums. He eats dinner with her in restaurants at 10pm, and the French Olympic logo lets him have some of her wine, of course.

The French Olympic logo's summer Instagrams from Cap Ferret will make you jealous.

I do not have a soundcloud but if any editors are reading this thread, I have been trying for a long time to place a story about the frighteningly high levels of domestic violence in France this year. Do get in touch if you want to commission it: [email protected].