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Spanking is a very controversial topic.
I’ve had friends say that the reason our kids are the way they are these days — misbehaving, entitled, etc. — is that we aren’t allowed to physically punish them anymore, as we used to be in the good old days. https://twitter.com/omotolaniee/status/1186202431836827648
I’ve had friends say that the reason our kids are the way they are these days — misbehaving, entitled, etc. — is that we aren’t allowed to physically punish them anymore, as we used to be in the good old days. https://twitter.com/omotolaniee/status/1186202431836827648
Others believe that long intellectual conversations are the best option, even when trying to keep a toddler safe.
What is the best course of action to keep our children protected while helping them understand the meaning of “no”?
What is the best course of action to keep our children protected while helping them understand the meaning of “no”?
Even though Science and Psychology have sometimes questioned the educational value of spanking a child, a lot of us continue to do so.
A lot of us do it not because we rationally decide to, but because we can’t stop ourselves. Why? We tell ourselves that it is for the sake of the child.
But that doesn’t tell the whole story. At least nine out of ten times we spank our children when we have run out of resources (and patience) to deal with the situation in any other way.
We beat them when we feel that we can’t make them understand through rational means.
We beat them when we feel that we can’t make them understand through rational means.
We spank to assert our power (as if it was not obvious enough).
But most of all we spank them because we lost control (of them, but also of our temper and ourselves).
We do it to release our anger. Yes, this is our dirty little secret.
But most of all we spank them because we lost control (of them, but also of our temper and ourselves).
We do it to release our anger. Yes, this is our dirty little secret.
We don’t say it out loud, and we probably won’t ever admit it to others.
But the truth is that we spank our children when we are at our wit’s end.
But the truth is that we spank our children when we are at our wit’s end.
I am not saying they didn’t take us there. They probably did!
But we are the adults in the situation, and we should be better able to cope with our anger.
But we are the adults in the situation, and we should be better able to cope with our anger.
Before proceeding, let’s make one thing clear. When I talk about spanking, I am not referring to the hand slap that a toddler gets every now and again.
Toddlers lack the resort of language, and the options to communicate with them are very limited.
Toddlers lack the resort of language, and the options to communicate with them are very limited.
So, sometimes, a light hand slap may be the only efficient way to make them learn by association, for example, that fingers should never go into a power outlet. Why the example of a power outlet?
Because that is a risk that we can’t remove from the toddler’s access, which would be the first appropriate action.
It may also be hard to keep them off of the risk area since power outlets are spread throughout the house (which would be the second appropriate action).
It may also be hard to keep them off of the risk area since power outlets are spread throughout the house (which would be the second appropriate action).
In said cases, a light hand slap may be adequate to communicate danger in a language that they understand.
This may keep them safe from higher risk. But anything other than that is abuse.
This may keep them safe from higher risk. But anything other than that is abuse.
Back to our topic, why shouldn’t you spank your child? I can’t possibly exhaust all the reasons here. I won’t state the obvious and say that by punishing them when you are angry, you are stating that physical aggression is an acceptable way to deal with irritation and frustration
But I will call your attention to the fact that your relationship is already one with an imbalance of power.
In it, you are the one who they owe respect, you are the insurer of their survival (physical and otherwise), and you are physically bigger than they are in every possible way.
Therefore, like it or not, spanking is an abuse of power.
Therefore, like it or not, spanking is an abuse of power.
And that is the exact reason we should be mindful. In any other social or professional situation, we have to be careful not to adopt an abusive attitude towards those we hold power.
Why isn’t that true when it comes to our children?
Why isn’t that true when it comes to our children?
With power comes responsibility. And, although small, they are people in their formative years, who deserve our caring and respect. A relationship where there is an abuse of power is an abusive relationship. And that is not acceptable, not even between parents and their children.
Furthermore, studies have proven that school bullies are usually bullied at home. But what does it mean to be bullied?
Not only to be the reason for jokes within the family (when there is one) but also to be treated in a way that creates anger and frustration.
Not only to be the reason for jokes within the family (when there is one) but also to be treated in a way that creates anger and frustration.
Am I saying that we should work to avoid frustration with our children at all costs? Not. At. All.
I am stating that feelings need to be addressed and released one way or another.
I am stating that feelings need to be addressed and released one way or another.
And when there is no room for that at home, it will come out in other harmful ways, to oneself or others.
In relationships where power is used as a coercive tool to try to generate behaviour, there is usually a lot of repressed feelings.
In relationships where power is used as a coercive tool to try to generate behaviour, there is usually a lot of repressed feelings.
And those always make their way to the surface, no matter the cost.
We live in a culture that justifies bullying within parenting by saying it’s in a child’s best interest. And by calling it “tough love.”
But parenting isn’t about forcing our kids to do everything we want them to do.
But parenting isn’t about forcing our kids to do everything we want them to do.
I know--we think the mark of a good parent is a perfectly behaved child. That’s honestly… crazy. How perfect are you, really?
I’ll wait.
I’ll wait.
We expect these little people who’ve been on the planet for a mere fraction of our time to be better behaved than most adults. It makes no sense.
We glare at parents with children having an age-appropriate and developmentally normal tantrum and complain, can’t those parents shut that kid up?
God forbid it takes time to help your child cool down and understand why their behaviour isn’t okay.
God forbid it takes time to help your child cool down and understand why their behaviour isn’t okay.
When I say that spanking is an unacceptable method of discipline, most fellow parents argue with me by saying they were spanked and turned out fine.
But anecdotal reports are hardly reliable.
But anecdotal reports are hardly reliable.
Furthermore, the common complaint that “kids these days” are poorly behaved because they are coddled?
It doesn’t hold water since those tactics are still the norm.
And no research has found kids to suffer for not being spanked or yelled at.
It doesn’t hold water since those tactics are still the norm.
And no research has found kids to suffer for not being spanked or yelled at.
The American Academy of Pediatrics and The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry both advise against spanking.
UNICEF fights the practice of spanking as a matter of child protection. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
UNICEF fights the practice of spanking as a matter of child protection. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
The United Nations and World Health Organization call corporal violence against children a human rights issue.
You can download PDFs on the matter from their respective websites. https://data.unicef.org/topic/child-protection/violence/violent-discipline/
You can download PDFs on the matter from their respective websites. https://data.unicef.org/topic/child-protection/violence/violent-discipline/
At the end of the day, it’s not that parents who yell or spank are bad parents. They are very human, just like any other parent.
Losing our cool, getting mad or annoyed, being frustrated or scared--these are all normal feelings for everyone.
Losing our cool, getting mad or annoyed, being frustrated or scared--these are all normal feelings for everyone.
The issue is that we are supposed to teach our kids how to manage their big feelings in healthy and positive ways.
Which means we acknowledge when we mess up, and we are open to new information.
Which means we acknowledge when we mess up, and we are open to new information.
When we know better, we can do better. We can discipline children without relying on violence. It’s not an either/or scenario where we either have to hit or have to spoil.
That’s not how parenting works.
That’s not how parenting works.
