Dirk is afraid of water , he doesn’t touch water , he doesn’t fucking drink water . That bitch is soda . He showers in soda . Kanaya defeats ultimate dirk by flying into space , pulling him back into an atmosphere where water doesn’t freeze , and dumping water on him and he

melts like the fucking wicked witch of the west - but instead of actually melting he starts crying soda

This is the hill I die on I will not take it back

dirk showers once a month and he is a sticky bitch . Butterflies and bees try to land on him and don’t sting him because he’s a fucking food source . He looks slightly orange from years of it being caked on . His hair is stuck like that . Permanently . He spiked it like an

anime character ONCE and it fucking hardened . You know why his katana is unbreakable when Dave’s always break but supposedly Dave got it for him ? Soda . Why his eyes are orange ? Soda . Why the drones were able to find him ? The condescence fucking tracked the smell of

orange Fanta wafting over the ocean , treating it as a scientific mystery of epic proportions - a question the world needed answered - until finally finding the source

was an edgy ass teen kid . The only reason his house is still in tact with all the hurricanes that have happened is because of a layer of fucking orange soda . If he sits still for a while he starts to form a crust .

He gets stuck to his bed and has to break out of a hardened fucking layer of soda like a bug busting out of amber instead of being transportalized out . If drones try to blast him it gets fucking refracted . It’s physically impacted the chemical makeup of his skin and vital

organs . He invented a new fucking disease .

The name of the disease is drink some fucking water holy shit

This is what he fucking looks like

This kind of blew up ( kinda ) so please help my friend Dio https://mobile.twitter.com/greaserparty/status/1148323817082826755