when i was up to mag 106 and heard basira and melanie gossiping, my heart gave out. i stopped walking back home and instantly rewound to The Part. i was giddy as all fuck when i realised i hasnt misheard their words. i started smiling and happy flapping because OH MY GOD

but i quickly forced myself to take a cold shower of reality and told myself "you're reading into it, there's no way it's like what you think it is". i'm so used to any potential lgbtq+ thread that i pick up on being either intense projection or the barest hint of subtext.

so i told myself that i was just taking simple words out of context, that it wasnt as explicit as i at first thought. i almost completely talked myself out of it by the time 117 rolled around. jon's stutter when he talked about the gossip made me grin but i forced it all down.

i didnt want to be slapped in the face with having projected too heavily yet again, i didnt want to feel like i was pretending it was real. we get so used to never seeing ourselves in media, so used to pushing down all our thoughts and meta because we cant be disappointed agai.

AND THEN! 118 comes around and martin says "my feelings for jon" and i break down. i remember pausing the episode and just absolutely crumbling because all the things that i had shoved away as me projecting and desperately wishing for rep where it wasnt WAS WRONG! IT'S REAL!

even before the emotion fest that the rest of elias and martin's confrontation is, i was in tears because finally, it wasn't just projection. martin's crush is a real thing, an explicit thing. it can't be explained away, it's not just desperation for rep bringing me to projection

its a real part of the character, of the narrative. and i couldn't believe it. i was so overwhelmed by the idea that for once, i was right to feel like martin had a crush, that for once there was SOMETHING! something for us!

i remember being so incredibly thankful and finally, finally allowing myself to actually look and SEE the rep as what it is. i could finally breathe. i could finally look back and go "this is mlm rep" without feeling like a desperate lgbtq+ person wishing for impossible things.

not to mention jon's aceness as well! there's so much that i absolutely cant find enough words to describe the emotions and the thankfulness for finally not being the weird, desperate one, for finally being seen.

it's the most freeing feeling, like a massive boulder being pushed off my chest. it's real, it's in the text. and nobody can take that away from us. @jonnywaistcoat @TheRustyQuill, from the bottom of my heart: thank you.