I am an inherently flirtatious creature, one autumn-born. I encourage strangers and friends alike to fall in love with me, to fall in love with the world, to fall in love with themselves.
That is what flirtation is about.
(In this thread, I’ll tell you why and how)
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Flirtation is a method of communication, one that used well can improve the moment/hour/day/life of all parties involved...whether that’s by making all parties feel seen and acknowledged, feel better about themselves, or just improving a rough day.
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And therein lies the Why. Flirting is about making the other person feel good. When multiple parties are in it for the same goal (making each other feel good) you have a beautiful sync of energy and fun, one that isn’t necessarily inherently sexual, though it may be intimate
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The Why is to make other people happy, because it is a Good. Not because you owe it to them, or to anyone. Not because you have to smile at strangers on the street. But because there are humans on the other side of your interactions.
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Sometimes (to quote The Fray) knowing “How to save a life” is to say “Hi, I’m glad you’re here.”

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The Why isn’t about you desperately hoping for attention from other people and piling compliments on them in the hopes they will give one back.
(That’s a different problem, and possibly a trauma response)

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The Why isn’t about pouring sugar over someone in the expectation that they will return sex or sexual intimacy in gratitude for your attention.

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The Why, in fact, isn’t about expectation at all. It’s about intent. The intent to do good by making a compassionate connection with another person, be it temporary or long term.

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Flirting shouldn’t be inherently sexual. I’m saying that again, because flirting shouldn’t exclude ace/aro spec folks. It shouldn’t assume that if you don’t want to have sex with someone (or they don’t want to have sex with you) that they’re unflirtable(???)

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Flirting as an element of friendship is a powerful element of queer community--and it also highlights the need for clear communication.

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We all know those jokes about queer folks not knowing if they’re dating. Polish your flirting and your clear communication at the same time, friends!

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(It is OK to have the boundary that you won’t flirt with people you aren’t specifically attracted to, provided that boundary is not because you expect or require flirting to be sexual. Examine your conscience, Simba)

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The key component of flirtation is consent. Everyone involved should be in on it.
Hitting on someone is violence. Full stop.
You can’t flirt “accidentally,” no matter what street caller or childhood friend has told you to excuse their own violation of your consent.
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Thus, flirting is a method of communication.
Queer folks are more likely to openly flirt with their friends, with each other, than straight folks, but we still experience a lot of doubt around whether it’s safe, or OK, to flirt.
People often tell me they don’t know how.
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Flirting is magic, but like all magic spells it has components and it has a recipe. It’s only mysterious until you know the formula. (There are no such things as love spells, though, because that would violate consent!)
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People rarely notice each other; we live in fear of predation, or invisibility, or both.
It is radical and powerful to say to another human
“Your eyeliner is on point.”
“That hair color is incredible.”
“What’s your favorite thing to drink?”
“I’m glad you are here today.”
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If you’re flirting to build the other person up, make them feel good, you are tailoring the conversation to their needs. You’re asking about their day, about their life, you’re absorbing the information they give and responding positively where possible (not dark humor).
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Where possible, make eye contact.
(If it is clear they don’t want to make eye contact, do not force this)
Be considerate, be polite. Don’t interrupt someone else’s conversation to flirt (unless you have that established relationship).
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Comment on things they have control over:
Wow you did great with that, your hair looks amazing, that shirt is rad, those shoes are great, etc.
Don’t start a flirt with a stranger with talking about their body.
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Don’t assume gender/pronouns in your flirting. Use nongendered terms unless you’ve specifically negotiated that. Don’t call someone a pet name or honorific w/o their consent. If they specifically tell you pronouns in their bio or something, use those.
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Don’t ever compare one person to another in a flirt, positively or otherwise. It puts everyone on the defensive, and means you’d do the same about them to someone else.

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Don’t lie when you flirt. Be honest. Insincere praise is flattery. Don’t flatter, flirt.

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Flirting should start out feeling like warm, friendly conversation. Like you put a hot mug of tea in their hands in a cold day, or a cool refreshing iced tea in summer. It shouldn’t veer toward sex unless that’s a mutual agreement.

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If you’re flirting to make other people feel good, you’ll feel good. You’re making other people happy as a goal, and it will make you feel happy.
Don’t self deprecate to flirt.
Don’t make yourself unhappy to flirt.

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Don’t touch people without consent. Don’t comment on how brave/strong/overcoming they are without their specific consent.
Don't assume a person posting sexy photos is consent specifically to you. Check in.

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There will always be people who think flirting is cheating in a monogamous configuration. I mourn for their lost opportunities, because they equate connection with sex. Intimacy with sex. It doesn’t have to be that way. We can make that change.

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Flirting is, in part, the art of, for a second or a longer span of time, making the other person feel like you are a breath of fresh air giving them safety. Like they are the only person in the world.

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On flirting with groups; those situations are best done by talking about general interests you all share, and by talking about yourself in relationship to the group. You can make each person feel like the only person there, with eye contact and questions. Tread gently.
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Importantly! Even though sex isn’t the end goal, never flirt with anyone who cannot consent:
- children/minors (assuming you are an adult)
- your employees or employer
- anyone you’re elected over
- anyone inebriated
- anyone who owes you money/favors
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For us to love each other, to build connections and bonds and intimacy (sexual intimacy, platonic intimacy, romantic intimacy, nonromantic intimacy) is radical, is queerness personified, is powerful resistance to extinction.

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Our responsibility within community (at all times but especially within the context of attraction) is to dismantle the harm our queer communities mirror from the outside: to resist racism, ableism, transphobia, fatphobia, within our communities.

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If your end goal is increasing mutual happiness/enjoyment, rather than your end goal being specifically sex, then you will likely find the scope of your attraction is bigger than you previously thought.

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If you don’t respect someone, don’t fucking flirt with them.
If you can’t respect their boundaries, don’t fucking flirt with them.
If you don't know your own boundaries, don't fucking flirt with them.

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When I tell you that you can fall in love with me, it’s because it is safe to do so. Because I will do what I can to make this space safe for you.
Not because I owe you reciprocation, or you owe me a relationship. Because the world is full of enough doom and doubt.

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I gather my energy from flirtation. It’s a lot of who I am. But I ask people to opt-in to flirting with me so that I can confirm consent. And I follow my own rules: I don’t flirt if they don’t reciprocate.

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People will often think of a person as charming when they look them in the eye and show genuine interest. When they share gentle humor, share general interests. When they feel seen by that person.
Charisma, like photogenic selfies, is a learned skill.

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Communication, not specifically charisma, is key to flirting.
Charisma is practice. In front of a mirror. To friends. On the internet.

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In the end, I want you, and the world, to know that you are sharp, brilliant, bold, beautiful, wild, wonderful, intense, delightful. You are a star in the night sky, a sparkle in the eye.
You are Enough.
And that is spectacular.
So, go, charm the world.

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