11 years ago I worked in a HMV store and it still remains one of the most surreal employments I’ve ever had. Here are some of the highlights:

There was an old man who came in every week asking where the adult DVDs were. Every time you showed him, he’d grab his chest, yelp and pretend to faint, all in a desperate attempt to get one of the female members of staff to give him mouth to mouth.

A colleague called in one day to say his mum had died. Rightfully so, they gave him time off with pay so he could grieve. Except one day an angry woman came in demanding to see the manager - it was this guy’s very alive mum asking why they weren’t scheduling her son on the rota

Another bloke got fired because he was stealing money from the til and getting it up to the staff room by hiding it in a ‘keeping up appearances’ box set

On Christmas Eve a man came in at 5pm and asked if we had the new Girls Aloud album. I said we’d literally just sold out. He asked if I could order it in before 7pm that evening. I said no. He kicked down a display unit.

Another woman came in and asked if we had High School Musical 3 on DVD. I said it was only on cinema release and wouldn’t be available to buy until next year. She grabbed my collar, pulled my face an inch from hers, looked me dead in the eyes, and said “shitbrain”

One day a bloke came in wearing a pair of sunglasses claiming he was Paul Weller. He asked if he could have a selection of CDs by The Jam for free as he’d misplaced his copies

Another guy came in every week to buy all the new singles in the UK top 40. He was about 85 years old and had been a travelling DJ since the 60s. He hadn’t had any work in years but wanted to purchase all the latest chart hits “just in case”

One bloke got banned because he kept covering his hands in blue paint and touching the CDs to try and get them for a reduced price as they were “damaged”

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

One regular customer who looked exactly like the Queen bought The Priests album 4 times. On her fourth purchase I asked why she was getting so many copies.“How do you remember me buying them? Is it because I look like the Queen? Because I get very VERY angry when people say that”

And she did. One day another customer told her she looked like the Queen and she hit him with her handbag

One woman knocked down a shelving unit of Cheryl Cole books and calendars because she said she had “the face of a bitch”

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

A woman came in 3 times asking me to check the central ordering database to see if she could buy the book the film Mamma Mia was based on

Channel 5 news came in to film some vox pops about the X Factor but eventually gave up after everyone they spoke to in the store just ended up calling Simon Cowell a wanker