Me: “All you’re really good for is money. I don’t need you for anything else so if you’re not sending it tell me let me know”.

My dad: ok.

.............
2hours later
Daddy: I’ve sent it.
Me: thanks.

I’m about to write a thread that’s basically home. Please let it heal

When I tweet about my dad being my first love and how he’ll always be that it doesn’t tell the story of how I got there.
For the longest time I hated my father. The longesttttttt Time.

I only spoke to him cause of money, I only ever had conversations about money. Nothing more

Even when he’d try to crack jokes, increase conversation lengths, I’d shut it down with plenty ok and be going my way.

My dad left when I was pretty young but I remember everything. I remember how she found out he had married someone else and was going to have a child

She here is my mum. I remember how she felt. People always ask me how it’s possible because I was only 2years old but I think one of the best things about me is how sharp my memory is. If I don’t remember an event it’s because I’ve chosen to block it out.

He wasn’t even the one who told her the news lol.
After that he disappears for yearsssss and shows back up when I was about 7.
I saw my mum fight to make a living. FIGHT.
I was angry all the time, had a temper, hated men, hated marriage, I hated everything.
I grew up angry.

I just don’t think anybody noticed what my random tantrums were about or my aggressiveness. My inability to express emotions and my general need to be vengeful.

I also remember claiming to not be my dad & when asked to sign it on paper, he retracted statement lol.
I was angry.

Everything just birthed more hate. I didn’t give my dad a chance until 2years before he passed.
I’m not sure what happened but I began to see him completely different. I’d like to think that this was an act of God cause prior to this we had a lot of unkind word exchanges.

Mostly from me. A few days after he sent me the money he had called my mum and told her what I said to him, asked her to speak to me.
Then he called me and told me how what I had said was very bad; I wasn’t sorry.
Told me how he loved me; I never replied this thing.
But...

2years before he dies I start to really like my dad. Calls got longer, jokes got thicker, stories lasted longer.
I became friends with him. Did I automatically love him? No, but I liked him enough to want longer conversations, Love for Man-u, cars.
We had stuff in common

Not just man-U and cars but my fathers sarcasm was unmatched lol. I started to see where I got it from. In all of this I still had never said I love you back.
The night before my dad died we had one of those long conversations again and he had said it, I wanted to respond but

My stupid pride guys. My stupid pride didn’t let me finally admit this thing, I was still angry. Just not as much.
The next day my mum breaks the news of how he slumped & died. I almost lost my mind. I cried for 1 straight day. From the evening they told me till the next evening

I’ve carried this thing with me for the longest time. I wish he knew I loved him, I wish he knew I forgave him.
I wish I had said it. I’ve lived that phone call in my head every year.
So what’s this long story and thread for?

1) Hate is too great a burden to carry. Too great

2) one of the reasons I was angry was because he never apologized to me.
With everything I’ve learnt about relationships, communication, Love.

I’ve realized - the most sincere conversations, the most difficult ones are those that see you admit your mistakes, screw ups

To the people you care about. Mistakes that you know have hurt them.
Shame is a very powerful thing.
It’s easier to tell a stranger your mistakes and admit them than it is to tell someone you love.

3)parents don’t have all the solutions and a lot of times they’re scared too.

4) Forgiveness is really for you. Not them.
Your inability to forgive them really keeps you bound. Hate makes you think they’re your prisoner. Forgiveness teaches you that you were your own prisoner.

5) A lot of my toxicity was tied to this relationship & what it birthed in me

6) Tomorrow is promised. You being here and still hating is not.
Don’t leave this earth knowing that you couldn’t forgive.

7)Tell people how you really feel while they’re here then go ahead to show people that your words are true.

8) God’s Love is abundantly present Everytime.

If I could get one night, it’ll be that last call. The ability to have that difficult conversation we never had.
To tell him I forgive you.

I may never understand why because I’m not sure that after all of it even you do. But I forgive you and I love you completely.

Because he needed to hear it. Over the years I’ve learnt to forgive myself for that night too.

This thing set the tone for who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life.

If anything is ever said about me it’ll never be that I didn’t love or I didn’t express.

I made this to say this. If you’re carrying hate around, you may not see it but it affects a lot of who you are & what you put out into this world.

How you give love, receive, if you even know how to receive.
Start with forgiving, family related ones always hit different.

Start at the exact place where it hurts and apply a lot of Jesus the pain site.
You’ll need him and all the help he gives.

This journey of forgiveness is not a one day event. But start here and start now.

Selah.

#ConfessionsOfASavedChristian