𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐫

A father holds a unique position in his daughter's life.

With this comes an essential responsibility, and a precarious balance.

He has to be both her storm and her shelter.

Failing in this task is to fail her.

1/

It is rote by now that absentee, inadequate, or abusive fathers are directly related to stronger negative behaviors in daughters.

They do not know how to recognize, attract, and bond appropriately with strong, virtuous men.

2/

I'm not going to get into those specific behaviors.

It is enough to assume that we can all broadly recognize attention-seeking, need for validation, the carousel of partners, whatever it might be.

This thread is for the man who wants to raise a girl into a woman.

3/

I have four frames of reference for a "healthy" woman, such as any imperfect, complex, human being might be healthy.

They are my:

Grandmother
Mother
Wife
Sister

Each for different reasons, each influencing how I parent my own daughter.

4/

My grandmother was the archetypal Southern matron. She believed in martial punishment, an orderly home, and hot home-cooked meals three times per day.

Grandpa was deployed constantly in the Air Force.

Grandma ran the home and raised the kids.

5/

Grandma loved her men (grandpa, my father, and me), and doted on us.

She was compassionate, stern, and loving all at once. She taught me to cook and fold fitted sheets.

She saw her role as supporting the men. Equal in importance, but different in role and "place".

6/

My mother filled a similar role, but also had the responsibility of raising me directly.

As a single mom, she was logistics officer, provider, and caretaker.

My father was closely involved, but not in the home daily.

My mom did her best to raise me well.

7/

My wife is my partner in raising our kids and leading the home.

I lead, she follows by my side.

We are equally important, just not in absolute authority. When there is an important decision, I have the final word.

This is Biblical, and works remarkably well.

8/

My sister is much younger than me, just beginning her career.

She is multilingual, hyper-intelligent, funny, and extremely sociable.

She is also very feminine, even as a dedicated weightlifter (contra perceptions of "fit chicks").

My father's influence is strong in her.

9/

All four of these women have played large, important roles in my life, and each deals/dealt with problems differently.

Because of them, I have a nuanced, balanced perspection of and appreciation for women, their essential roles, and an understanding of what makes them tick.

10/

The common thread for each of these women is a strong patriarchal upbringing.

My father, father-in-law, and grandpa, and great-grandfather were/are all exceptional men who served their nation in uniform, held to a masculine code of honor, and treated women as valued people.

11/

These fathers raised their daughters to understand and process their emotions, not melt down or suppress them totally.

To respect men as men, and know the difference between a weak one and strong one (in a holistic sense).

To appreciate our interdependence and synergies.

12/

Most of all, they modeled that duality of a patriarch - the capacity for tremendous, terrifying wrath against those who cross the lines of decency, but never turning that violence inward against the family.

They were the Storm and the Shelter.

13/

The daughters were not taught to fear the world, or be a victim, or need a man to protect them.

All are proficient with firearms, and have had to defend themselves physically or hunt for food.

And all recognize that it's better to have a (worthy) man lead than go it alone.

14/

The patriarchs taught their daughters not to "know their place" in the patronizing sense, but find their place where they feel most valued and necessary.

One of the most absurd things about certain intersexual worldviews is the notion of treating women like children/dogs.

15/

Women and men are synergistic. We are NOT the same, nor equals.

There are domains in which women excel ahead of men.

Likewise, there are domains where men excel ahead of women (and weaker men).

We are equal in merit as human beings, but not in biology or aptitudes.

16/

Because of this, a man who patronizes women is limiting his worldview and toolset.

Similarly, women who take a hardline approach towards men hold themselves back from opportunities to experience the fullness of their feminine experience.

17/

My wife and I are happiest when we are in balance as leader and right-hand.

I observed my grandma and mom to be the same with their men.

Both the men and women are happy, because they are operating within their strengths and sharing the burdens and joys of life together.

18/

My daughter never feels unsafe in my presence. She knows that daddy's got her.

She knows that I will push her to do another lap, or shake off a wound without crying.

But she also knows I will protect her from the monster under her bed, and hold her close when she's upset.

19/

She has memorized "Invictus", and is working towards proficiency on "If", "The Road Not Taken".

She is already keenly aware of boys, and because of her looks, athleticism, and friendliness, they will soon be aware of her.

My job is not to hide that. It's to guide her.

20/

My role as her father is to raise her up to feel her own worth, and so not feel the need to find validation in the attention of men who don't have her best interests at heart.

But until she can do that for herself, my role is also to filter out males with bad intent.

21/

Fortunately, she has feminine role models who support and reinforce my own mindset towards fatherhood.

Those women mentioned (other than my grandmother, God rest her), and other female role models that my wife and I have surrounded her with - all of them live those values.

22/

It's not that my daughter can't be Wonder Woman.

She will be. I'll make sure of that.

It's that she already knows how much fuller her life is when she has a superhero by her side, as well as a circle of strong female friends.

23/

And as I will always be her first example of the Storm and the Shelter, I must do my best to replace myself in those roles by encouraging her to find a better man than me.

To not give the best of herself to many men.

To respect her own unique strengths and purpose.

24/

So, too, am I aware this is a different world than the one I grew up in thirty years ago, let alone the world of my father's or grandfather's generations.

I am also aware that I speak to a specific type of paternal/filial dynamic based on a traditional nuclear family.

25/

This does not mean I am negating or degrading same-sex parenthood.

Far from it. Every situation is specific to the people involved.

But it does mean that the same balance of masculine and feminine influence must be present to maximize the potential of a girl (or boy).

26/

That duality of Storm and Shelter creates a specific environment of safety for a girl.

She may still grow up to make bad choices.

But the odds are more in her favor to reject damaging behaviors and relationships when her father is a strong, benevolent presence in her life.

27/

As with a lot of things I tackle in these long threads, there's not enough space to fully disclaimer, flesh out, or explore the topic.

I trust the reader to approach it with some equanimity and grace.

If you don't like what I'm saying, simply move on, block me, whatever.

For a broader perspective on fatherhood as beneficent patriarchy, this is one of my early threads on Twitter. https://twitter.com/Flyover_Country/status/1108391152573648897