Literally no one asked for it, but it’s back anyway...

Welcome to Dermot’s Super-Happy-Funtime-Liverpool-FC-Based-Emotional-Rollercoaster Football Thread 2019/20!
Football is stupid and smelly and I never liked it anyway.

End of thread

#LFC #CommunityShield
Football is the best sport and #LFC make my taint tingle!

Send tweet
THE UEFA SUPER CUP IS THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS TROPHY IN WORLD FOOTBALL!!!!!!!

*collapses with cramp*

#LFC
I will be interfering with myself tonight

#LFC
Graeme Souness was an all-time great for Liverpool as a player

He was also god awful for Liverpool as a manager

This is Manager Souness https://twitter.com/vmsportie/status/1161726743364943872?s=21">https://twitter.com/vmsportie...
At a kids’ birthday party, but in between bouncy castles and copious amounts of wine, I saw Liverpool being class!

*hiccup*

#LFC
The only negative of watching this Liverpool team is having to hide one’s noticeable boner in the pub

#LFC
Is right, lad #LFC https://twitter.com/kloppholic/status/1165336840448204805?s=21">https://twitter.com/kloppholi...
If every member of this Liverpool team wanted to smack the ever-loving shit out of me, I would carve the baseball bat myself and thank them for the honour.

#LFC
I would kill for this man.

Please ask me to kill for you, Jurgen #LFC
Yeah, sex is cool, but have you ever seen a Bobby Firmino assist? #LFC
This is the weirdest match.

There’s far too many players on the pitch, the crowd cheers every time the ball goes over, they’re using their fucking *hands*, and neither team is Liverpool.

It’s feckin’ class craic, though

#LFC #AllIrelandFinal
Croker when I told them Norwich beat City

#LFC
If football was a person I’d shit in their food. It’s a horrible sport and I hope it dies.

#LFC #UCL
Me at Half-Time vs Me at Full-Time

#LFC #CHE
Me at Half-Time vs Me at Full-Time #LFC #CHE
Me at Half-Time vs Me at Full-Time #LFC #CHE
I love Jürgen Klopp more than I like most people https://playerstribu.ne/JurgenKlopp ">https://playerstribu.ne/JurgenKlo...
Maybe I Am Dreaming | By Jürgen Klopp

For me, football is the only thing more inspiring than the cinema. You wake up in the morning, and the magic was all real. You actually knocked down Drago. It really happened. 

https://playerstribu.ne/JurgenKlopp
Liverpool won tonight while using a player born in 2003.

This is the weirdest cocktail of joy and despair

#LFC
Missed the match but just woke up to find out Liverpool are still feckin’ class.

*goes back to sleep*

#LFC
I’m not saying I was too deliriously jetlagged to go to go watch the match, but kssosndveopfkclsbdjslp

#LFC #UCL
#LFC #LCFC
NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO BE AN IDIOT!

#LFC
If your name is Traore, chances are, I will fucking ADORE you

#LFC #WOLVES #HOLYSHIT
If your name is Traore, chances are, I will fucking ADORE you #LFC #WOLVES #HOLYSHIT
If your name is Traore, chances are, I will fucking ADORE you #LFC #WOLVES #HOLYSHIT
• #LFC get eight wins from eight
• Wolves beat Citeh
• Newcastle beat United, sending Everton into the relegation zone

I have to say...
Form and league positions mean a sum total of fuck all. It’s always the biggest game of the season, and this doc has me buzzing for Sunday

#LFC #MUFC https://twitter.com/lfc/status/1184914978748260352?s=21">https://twitter.com/lfc/statu...
If we had won that in the last few minutes, I’d currently be running naked through the streets of Dublin.

Considering how shite we were, I’ll take that.

#LFC
Bad News: only saw about 2 minutes of the match tonight

Good News: We won, and I’ve just had a slice of some bomb ass lemon drizzle cake

#LFC #UCL
GET TO THE KOPPA!!!

#LFC https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/arnold-schwarzenegger-actor-liverpool-news-17144069">https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/sport/foo...
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Liverpool fan and has message for Spurs

Superstar actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has revealed he likes Liverpool and given his take on the game against Spurs

https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/arnold-schwarzenegger-actor-liverpool-news-17144069
I want to cradle @_fabinhotavares in my arms and tell him how special he is, but he’d probably just side-step me and play a peach of a ball over my head.

#LFC
Why am I missing THIS match?! Goddammit

#LFC #LIVARS
Liverpool go through to the Quarter-Finals of the League Cup, after the most insane game of football ever!

And I missed it.

#LFC
That’s WARD-Prowsey, thank you very much https://twitter.com/southamptonfc/status/1190648529905233920?s=21">https://twitter.com/southampt...
I JUST NEARLY HAD SEX WITH A TELEVISION BECAUSE OF THAT!!!

#LFC
No shit, Jimmy Milner #LFC
They can’t all be orgasmic, but that’ll do.

#LFC #UCL
Liverpool 3-1 Man City

Unbeaten.

8 points clear at the top.

#LFC
I love this man. I love him more than... than... uh... my own... feet?

Yeah, fuck it, that’ll do.

#LFC
So much for playing the under-10s against Salzburg.

Balls.

#LFC
Listen, I’m delighted with the result, but my heart and my sphincter can’t take much more of this type of game

#LFC
Didn’t get to watch the match, but I spontaneously got an erection at the exact same time the final whistle was blown.

“Blowing the final whistle” is not a euphemism.

#LFC
Three matches in a row that I haven’t been able to watch, so I’ve just been watching really hot porn instead. Same diff.

#LFC
When you’re pleased to see Manchester United win a game

#LFC
“At Standard Chartered, we believe we should use technology to make better human connections”

Sound, then use it for that, and not this creepy bullshit

#LFC https://twitter.com/lfc/status/1203962487382560768">https://twitter.com/lfc/statu...
The angle was so tight, Mo Salah crossed the line before his feckin’ shot did

#LFC #UCL
They probably hadn’t intended to announce this yet, but people needed good news, so they gave them the Best News! https://twitter.com/lfc/status/1205449182309441536">https://twitter.com/lfc/statu...
Once again, missed the match.

Once again, shat my pants refreshing Twitter.

Once again, worth it.

#LFC
Absolute FILTH

#LFC
TEN.

POINTS.

#LFC
I have underpants older than these lads

#LFC https://twitter.com/lfc/status/1207008130158215168">https://twitter.com/lfc/statu...
If you want to beat Liverpool, just make sure none of their players are old enough to attend the match without a guardian.

#LFC #CarabaoCup
Tonight, I will be making sweet, tender love to that Trent Alexander-Arnold pass

#LFC #CWC19
Fans Of Teams That Will Likely Never Even Get The Chance To Compete In The Club World Cup: “Who cares about the Club World Cup?”

Liverpool Fans: “Can’t talk, busy being World Champions”

#LFC #ClubWC
Must keep repeating to self “it’s not over yet, it’s not over yet”

But it’s so fucking hard! In every sense

#LFC
tfw you come out of the cinema and see Wolves beat Man City again

#LFC
That Wolves goal should 100% have stood, but I could not give a single fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

#LFC
I used to use this thread to spout hyperbolic shit like, “Liverpool are the best team in the world”

But lads. This Liverpool team? It is THE BEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE WORLDhttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="™️" title="Trade mark sign" aria-label="Emoji: Trade mark sign">

#LFC #OneFullYearUnbeaten
Larouci (18) on for Milner (34).

That’s a full Harvey Elliott in age difference

#LFC #FACup https://abs.twimg.com/hashflags... draggable="false" alt="">
Me after the #LFC kids knock The Ev out of the FA Cup:
Oh yeah. Super Cup AND World Club Cup.

Quintuple! #LFC
https://twitter.com/englishandys/status/1213883187081945088?s=21">https://twitter.com/englishan... https://twitter.com/EnglishAndys/status/1213883187081945088">https://twitter.com/EnglishAn...
Beer in hand, Spice Bag in belly, #LFC 16 points clear at the top of the Premier League...
A kiss in the rain.

The birth of child.

Helping a fellow human in a time of need.

Sod all that, the best feeling in this world is beating Manchester United to go 16 POINTS clear at the top of the Premier League with a game in hand!!!

#LFC
A kiss in the rain.The birth of child.Helping a fellow human in a time of need.Sod all that, the best feeling in this world is beating Manchester United to go 16 POINTS clear at the top of the Premier League with a game in hand!!! #LFC
A kiss in the rain.The birth of child.Helping a fellow human in a time of need.Sod all that, the best feeling in this world is beating Manchester United to go 16 POINTS clear at the top of the Premier League with a game in hand!!! #LFC
Tired: Salah’s goal with the Titanic music

Inspired: Salah’s goal with Alan Silvestri’s Portals from Avengers: Endgame

#LFC
(https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="⬆️" title="Upwards arrow" aria-label="Emoji: Upwards arrow">Best thing I’ve ever donehttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="⬆️" title="Upwards arrow" aria-label="Emoji: Upwards arrow">)
Wolves tore into Liverpool so much in that game, I thought a “Directed by @carnojoe” credit was gonna pop up at the end.

AND YET WE

JUST

KEEP

WINNING!

#LFC
I was just saying before the match, “Shrewsbury are the second best team in world football”

#LFC
It was much easier to be funny on this thread when we were occasionally shit. I’m sorry.

#LFC #ARE #GONNA
I’m having to repeatedly stab myself in the scrotum with pins to prevent spontaneously combusting with joy watching Liverpool these days.

Worth *OW* it.

#LFC
The Liverpool Kids have done it!

They’ll get all the ice-cream they can eat on the way home now

#LFC #FACup https://abs.twimg.com/hashflags... draggable="false" alt=""> #TheQuintupleIsStillOn
John Oliver introducing Stephen Colbert to the majesty of Jurgen Klopp #LFC
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*deep breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

#LFC #MCFC
I bought a NowTV pass to watch the match. It was the wrong pass, and I ended it up missing it. Total disaster.

(I mean, we won and have gone 25 points clear at the top, but I just wanted to throw some negativity into this thread. Shake things up a bit)

#LFC
Man City shouldn’t be the only team banned from the Champions League. Every team should be. Cancel the competition. Cancel football altogether

#LFC #UCL
LIVERPOOL ARE NEVER GOING TO LOSE ANOTHER LEAGUE GAME

(Liverpool will now almost certainly lose their next league game)

#LFC
*looks at previous tweet in this thread*

*looks at today’s result*

I WILL NEVER WIN THE EUROMILLIONS AND HAVE A MASSIVE PENIS

*waits*

#LFC
Me: Okay, Liverpool, I’m just off to the States for a while, keep winning every match and being the best team in world football while I’m away!

#LFC:
Time is a construct. Days don’t exist. Sleep is a dream. Words have no meaning. Blorp in a snorp.

(Translation: Jetlag made me miss the match and I’m delirious, but yay)

#LFC
Somehow, after this mental last few months, our season is essentially over.

Football is a psychopathic, rabid chimp of a sport

#LFC #UCL
It’s just like watching the pros, boys
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