Inexplicably, I am today taking my mother on an organised coach tour of Midsomer Murders locations for her birthday. It last for nine hours.

I'd imagine the inevitable pitch fork through the heart or being boiled alive will come as a blessed relief.

Oh, and I actually prefer the new Barnaby. Don't @ me.

Just arrived. Think I'm the only person who doesn't remember rationing.

On the coach. Theme music obviously playing. In-coach entertainment lined up... #longday

There are people from the USA and Australia on this tour. AUSTRALIA.
There was just a round of applause for the mention of John Nettles.

Got a 10-minute burst of Killings at Badger's Drift. There were boos when the tour guide turned it off to talk to us.

First stop: Turville (aka Midsomer Parva). Nice place. Also used for Jonathan Creek, Vicar of Dibley and *wakes suddenly* Killing Eve!

Next stop was Hambleden, where apparently Sgt Troy climbed to the top of the church tower in one episode. The Americans were beside themselves.

Henley now, where I learn there are actually 14 different towns used for Causton. MM is just based on a tissue of lies...

Back on coach.

Tour guide: Who remembers the episode Garden of Death?

Coachload of 60-year-olds: YES!

Me:

Next stop: Wallingford, proudly described as 'the original Causton'.
In your face Henley-on-Thames.

Just been announced we're about to go past Agatha Christie's house, and I think at least 3 passengers had a heart attack.
It's what she would have wanted, I guess.

Dorchester-upon-Thames, with - and I kid you not - the ACTUAL pub from the episode The Ballad of Midsomer County. #LongDay

Next we're going to the village with the famous - if not infamous - cricket episode. I think this might be too much for some of our elderly passengers.

Chatting with people from Adelaide and Vancouver about our favourite sidekick* for Barnaby. This is surreal.

* It's Jones, obviously.

It's happened. My mother has bought a Midsomer Murders calendar. #LongDay

The tour is over. There'll be no more murders today. Thanks all for your lovely comments. If you were inspired to follow in my footsteps, check out @britmovietours