zero clue as to why i remembered this but storytime

didn’t know it then but apparently everyone in 6/7th grade kinda knew i was gay (before i did lmao) but never said anything. went to the mall with friends once (both girls) and they were trying on dresses in the same stall +

i wasn’t really into dresses (i’m still not haha) but i so desperately wanted to fit in. and one of the girls was pretty popular so i wanted to leave a good impression of myself. so, i grabbed a dress while my friends were in the stall changing and was like “hey i found one!” +

and you know girls. we change in front of each other, it really doesn't matter. i knew it was common but didn’t participate if given the chance (ex: pe). i eagerly went to walk into the stall and the popular (straight) girl started YELLING like “NO NO NO DON'T COME IN” +

i was confused and distraught. this is what girls did. we were all fine with changing in front of each other. i don’t remember too much after that moment but i probably just put it back and continued to wait outside while they changed quietly +

this is just one of my young queer closeted experiences i’m still processing all these years later. that carried with me for a while, i continued to change in the bathroom stalls for a good period of time after, even though i switched schools in 8th. +

and i know other queer girls share at least this feeling, if not, a similar experience. sexuality (other than being straight) is presented to young people shameful. this girl was not wanting me to be there bc she thought/assumed/knew i was gay before i even knew myself. +

i have nothing against this girl now. we haven't talked in years. and teenagers are jerks. but this happens to our kids. they have this feeling and/or have endured this experience.

AnOtHeR tHiNg

7th grade was around the time i started thinking “hmm,, maybe i like girls,,” VERY LITTLE but that’s when it started. these experiences make it hard to come out to OURSELVES. which makes it harder to accept who we are. which makes it harder for others to accept us.