I've been drinking Cameroonian tears since yesterday night and I assure you, there's nothing more sweeter than that nectar.

They want to beat Nigeria but see their dead international airport in Douala.

LMFAOOOOooo, low-key shit country.

Let me tell you what happened!

I don't even care if the Nigerian team is sent home in our next match at the #AFCON2019, the satisfaction I derived from sending those bricklayers disguised as footballers back to Yaounde, is enough to last me for the year.

Carry muscle like construction labourers.

Last week, I was heading to Chad. I had 3 stopovers; Ethiopia, Equatorial Guinea & Cameroon.

Stressful, yea?

Well, I didn't realise until the Nigerian immigration officer at the Abuja airport, told me; "Guy, why you nor just enter night bus instead of this wakabout?"

Slept in Addis, woke up boarded a flight to Malabo, where we refueled & set out for Douala.

We landed in Douala & it was raining. I mean, it wasn't much of a big deal until we were about to disembark from the plane.

That was when I knew that we're in an unfortunate situation.

The flight attendants opened the exit doors but it was raining MAD outside. So, I was there chilling, rest assured that they have proper arrangements to get us out of the plane without being beaten by the rain.

LMFAOooo! If you see the plan these people had for us.

Ho Hai Wept!

First thing I noticed was that the passenger queue, out of the plane was unnecessarily slow. So, I looked out of my window and I saw the bus, loading passengers from the plane.

I shit you not. This is the type of bus I saw.

GOD IS GOOD MOTORS????? EYWRN eyin people yi???

Waaaaaait!!! This is the bus that will carry all these passengers? Worse still, it was not even 2 buses. JUST 1 FFS!!!

Haa, Olorun ma je ki Oluwa e sii country wa. Kini gbogbo palapala yi???

Meanwhile, the rain was still blowing mad. People started using ET blanket to cover up.

It was my turn at the plane exit, that I realized what was happening.

LMFAOOOOooooo... These people chartered umbrellas ni sha. Like 10 umbrellas.

So, if the bus is filled up, they give you an umbrella to walk to the arrival all the way from the tarmac inside rain.

As if that was not ridiculous enough, an airport staff will follow the passengers who were not fortunate enough to get bus seats, to bring back the umbrellas & then another set will move.

So each time a set of passengers leave, the rest have to wait for umbrellas to return.

All the while, I was standing at the plane exit with my 2 hand luggage, like:

LMFAOOOOoooo... These people even proudly albeit shamelessly branded the umbrellas. They had "Aeroport International Douala" printed all over the unfortunate umbrellas.

Then they wrote; "NOT TO BE TAKEN AWAY".

Ta lo fe mu umbrella oshi yin???

The tarmac was flooded but that was not even the most ridiculous. Having to run while carrying your hand luggage with an umbrella inside the rain was a funny sight.

See people's parent's jogging inside rain with Airport branded umbrellas.

"Eni ori yo, o di'le" situation.

By the time we got into the arrival lobby, we were semi-wet.

Arrival lobby be like Alimosho Local Government Secretariat.

No AC, No escalators, empty, uninteresting and bland. Only decoration there were MTN advert signboards in different shapes and sizes.

TBH, it was not a good welcome at all. I got to immigration and I got my passport stamped after about an hour of standing because it was just one immigration officer that was attending to everybody with "Other Passports".

Very tiring process, to say the least.

Eventually, my passport was stamped, then I headed to the departure for my connecting flight.

Apparent, I would have to go through security check again.

Na there problem begin.

As I walked into the security check room, I met the immigration lady at the security scanner.

Immediately, I said good afternoon Ma, she just went;

"Tu parle Francais. Common sava, sava bien mercy. Mercy Evou. Tu elle bonjour mademoiselle."

Ogbeni, calm down. OYWRN???

I was going to tell her that I don't speak French but she won't even allow me breath.

Again, she went; "Au revoir, atutupoyoyo un bien versace du voyage azpilicueta, de fenetré. Il elle vouz avez."

I almost laughed but that will be rude. So, I decided to wait for her to finish.

E come be like say she nor go finish this talk because, apparently, she was giving me instructions & I just stood there doing nothing because I don't understand French.

I think she got angry.

"Vouz Avez...."

Vouz Avez pe ki lo sele? Ogbeni, I don't speak French.

Obviously, she was angry that she was talking & I was not doing anything & she won't even let me talk.

She continued rapping in French. At a point, I could have sworn she was cursing me because I think I heard something wey resemble curse.

Emi gaan ya gbe s'epe ni Yoruba.

As she was Vouz Avez-ing away, me too I de give am Yoruba low-key.

"Ko ni da fun President yin".

"Ori iyawo President yin baje".

"A ma lu yin ni AFCON l'oruko Jesu".

So lo stupid ni!

Eventually, she stopped talking. So I broke the news to her.

I touched my ears and said; "I don't speak French."

Then she goes; "Ahaaaa! You not speak Francais."

Yes yes, me not speak Francais. Me speak English & Yoruba.

Sebi iwo lo refuse lati calm down lataaro.

I think the fact that I admitted that I don't speak English got her and the others more angry.

I mean, they got more aggressive.

They're shouting; "Remove cap, remove belt, remove watch, put bag here" almost at the same time.

E gba mi ke. Kini mo se???

On a very serious note, I'm trying to understand why French-speaking African citizens are always aggressive towards English-speaking ones.

I have concluded that they hate us because I experienced same aggression at Lome Airport.

They tried to shame me for not speaking French!

I mean, an immigration officer at the airport in Lome literally told me that he won't attend to me because I can't speak French & yes, he did not attend to me.

He told me that if I can speak English, he sees no reason why I can't speak French.

Se dandan lo fi n speak French ni?

If you think I'm joking, read up about the persecution of English-speaking Cameroonians by the government which is majorly French-speaking.

It is real violence against people who speak English in Cameroon.

Go to Google and search "Cameroonian Language Conflict". Then read!

It is not even a joke. It was days later after my encounter that I remembered reading something like that 2 years ago.

Then it all made sense.

Before, I get too serious, let us go back to the airport in Douala and my French-speaking immigration babe.

After the whole aggression, I passed the scanner and they ordered me to open my bag.

I know say I nor carry contraband but small shit hook me because of the way they asked me to open it.

Abi, dem see cocaine for the bag ni? Se temi o bami bayi?

I unzipped my bag, and they ransacked it. They brought out all my snack and pressed it well.

Then they pointed to my coffee.

I said; "Wetin happen?"

Man said; "Coffee forbidden!"

Ahan, I thought they're playing o. They're going to confiscate my coffee true true ooo.

I started protesting.

Come aunty Tu Parle Francais, this thing is ordinary coffee naaau. Besides, your country is not my final destination. I'm just passing through.

It was at this point I became humble.

E dakun, plis dears, let me take my coffee. Olorun o ni ba ayo yin je!

Oh my! It was at this very moment, I wished I knew how to speak French, even if it is small.

What is coffee in French sef?

"Cava Bien Merci, edakun, lé me ûn cannot survive without coffee, tres bien merci.

Merci, edakun, have mercy!

Man kept saying; "You not take coffee go. Coffee forbidden!"

As he was saying it, they're emptying my bag of my coffee. It pained me. I almost told them to give me hot water let me make one bucket of coffee and kukuma drink everything here since the offence is in carrying it.

As they took my coffee and dumped it in the trash bin, I felt my chest tightening. It reminded me of that line in Fela's song where he said; "Dem kill my mama."

I mean the same way Fela must have felt, singing that line was exactly how I felt at that moment.

As I walked away, I fought hot tears. So, I channeled my inner Ogogo & told them;

"Wallahi Tallahi, mo fi titobi Olorun Oba se eleri, ti Cameroon ba qualify fun AFCON quarterfinals, call me bastard."

Just look at God. It was Nigeria that even eliminated them

Me, rn:

My God deflated their muscle... They brought Wrestlers to a Football tournament but my God said; "Not today Bitchessssssssssssss!"

LMFAOOOOooooooooo...

Repeat after me; Teee si inu ishaaaaaaaan miiiiii!!!